Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Abandonment is an insidious thing. Once you've experienced it, you forever carry with you the burning knot in the pit of your stomach that aches whenever you fear someone else might leave you, too. I've been tangoing with mine lately, and it hasn't been pleasant. My daughter, who suffers from a rather chronic anxiety disorder coupled with terrible IBS, has pulled back from me. She was once my strongest supporter after my life and our family shattered. She is well aware of her father's infidelity; witnesses to the affair called her to tell her a few months after my separation. So, there's no "he said, she said," not that I would participate in such a corrosive ploy anyway. Her father stopped talking to her for many months when she confronted him about his affair and asked him repeatedly to be honest with her about it. He refused, and still hasn't told her the truth. They've both just moved past it, which is probably a good thing. She sent her father an olive branch, of sorts, several months ago in an attempt to bring him back into her life. He slowly came back, but with conditions, of course. She was, for much of her life, Daddy's little girl. It really broke her heart when he turned on her. Now, she's so desperate for his love and attention that it feels to me that she's withdrawing from me in order to have a more solid relationship with him. I do want her to have a good relationship with him. I've said so many times. Yet, it feels as though my heart is being carved up into pieces again because she doesn't want to talk to me or communicate much at all. She says it's just because she's not feeling well. Yet, I know for certain that she's been communicating with her father and I'm pretty sure recently with the OW, too. My daughter is planning to attend their wedding and is even making the table centerpieces. When she did tell me about that, I was very positive and told her that she should do what makes her happy. I told her I was proud of her for handling her relationship with her father so well. What really stings is that she lied to me and said she was unable to talk on the phone due to illness, but had the phone calls I mentioned as well as ones to my former mother-in-law. I didn't even get to talk to her for her birthday. Still haven't.
I debated for a while about what I should do. I decided to take the highest road possible and simply ask if, perhaps, I had done anything to upset her or make her uncomfortable in any way. She said I hadn't and that she would call me when she felt better. Time continues to go by, and no call or communication. I should mention that this follows on the cusp of her attempt in January to get me to do a rather absurd favor for her by insincerely dumping her father under a bus in a bizarre dad-bashing ploy that I guess she thought would convince me to do this favor. I didn't bite nor participate in the bashing, and politely explained why I could not do the favor as she requested. It became a moot point eventually.
The PTSD parts of me are firing all over the place right now as a result. I'm working very hard to quell the fears and not take anything personally. My mantra chanting is in overdrive. Any thoughts, suggestions, words of wisdom, potions for curing obsessive fears, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry I haven't been on the forum lately. This development has consumed a lot of my time.
Kim
I debated for a while about what I should do. I decided to take the highest road possible and simply ask if, perhaps, I had done anything to upset her or make her uncomfortable in any way. She said I hadn't and that she would call me when she felt better. Time continues to go by, and no call or communication. I should mention that this follows on the cusp of her attempt in January to get me to do a rather absurd favor for her by insincerely dumping her father under a bus in a bizarre dad-bashing ploy that I guess she thought would convince me to do this favor. I didn't bite nor participate in the bashing, and politely explained why I could not do the favor as she requested. It became a moot point eventually.
The PTSD parts of me are firing all over the place right now as a result. I'm working very hard to quell the fears and not take anything personally. My mantra chanting is in overdrive. Any thoughts, suggestions, words of wisdom, potions for curing obsessive fears, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry I haven't been on the forum lately. This development has consumed a lot of my time.
Kim
How old is your daughter? I'm guessing she is of adult age.
You did right by trying to open the lines of communication. She is obviously guarded. So just continue to treat her as if nothing is wrong. Just because she has slowed down the connection, doesn't mean you have to. :)
Long term that is the person your daughter needs you to be.
Short term she may not be aware of it. That is okay she needs to see the world as it is from her perspective.
That will take some time. You keep being the lighthouse that you are.
When her world gets stormy she will see where to turn
You take care of yourself, ... Yes?
I feel sorry for you and your daughter .
I think that you both are victims in your own way.
I know that my son favored his Mother when she left me .
I felt really bad ....................so I know your feelings..
I think now after 7 years that he is finally that "DAD" got the rotten end of everything.
He's been calling me more and talking longer.
I think that you daughter is so mixed up Kim.......... so lost and confused....
If I were you I would just do what you're doing ............supporting her in her choices .
She will eventually come back to you........... She will realize that you love her so much.... and maybe think about how "Mom" must have felt during this whole Father daughter relationship.
Oh ....Kim................ It's not easy being quiet and just sitting back ........ letting the pieces of this crazy time in our life .......................fall were they may. But I did it Kim.... I don't know if it was the right way, but I did.
I also know Kim that she loves you .......
I just went through this whole wedding thing with my x niece getting married . I kept thinking about everyone being there ..but me ............ But ...I made it .......
Not much more that I can say Kim........ Only ..AGAIN... SHE LOVES YOU ..never lose sight of that .
Now , I have to go and post about what happened to me today...........
PS. All of us here know what a nice caring person you are.
WE LOVE YOU !!!!!
Timeman
Hugs and love to you all. Thank you for your advice, guidance, and encouragement.
Kim
You still have some contact with your daughter. She hasn't totally cut you off. You know what the problem is and you know how to get past this. Give your daughter the time and distance to try to work out her feelings. I will say that I had given up when my daughter finally came back into my life. I hope your daughter is fully back in your life soon.
He went to his dad's at Christmas (1 visit in 2 years), and came back having bought into his dad's load of BS. I was absolutely shocked.
It is slowly working itself out, but I felt betrayed all over again! I have no advice, but just know that you are not alone.
Divorce-the gift that keeps on giving.
You don't mention your daughters' age, but I'm guessing she is a young adult. She is working things out in her own way, using the 'tools' at her disposal. Trying to manipulate you re: the favour she wanted, well....that's kind of what kids often do, isn't it?! It feels worse because of the awful break-up between you and her dad, but the fact that she was a 'daddy's girl' is something that she is employing in her tactical behaviour to bring you on board with her desires. She's likely done something similar in the past?!
You got that, and didn't fall for it. You've been a parent for awhile and have seen this move before :) Good for you. Unfortunately, it fuels whatever 'case' she has built up against you and that is the conundrum as you've explained it.
As to why she is completely withdrawing, well that part I just can't comment on, but there are many other members who have experienced the loss of their children through self-imposed alienation and I hope their insites can help you to heal the situation and move forward as a family unit again! Hugs!
I wrote 4 very long posts to you last night but my laptop is very jumpy and deletes everything. I finally gave up trying at 12:30 AM. I will write a response to you on a document and then cut and paste it into a new reply. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and wanted to offer you some support. I hope you are feeling better today.
Hugs to you,
Donna
I wrote so many responses yesterday that were deleted by my crazy computer before I could send to you. So this is a cut-and-paste document But the gist of what I wanted to say to you is that your daughter will be back in your life again in the same way she was before. I have 2 adult daughters who also love their dad and it is such a struggle for them to balance their alliances with both of us. They are grieving for the loss of the family and still have a hard time because they want to support both of us.
My oldest one who I am with now until I move next month went to visit her dad overnight last Thursday with her twin babies. She said he is lonely and so she invited him to her 4 yo son’s birthday party next month (even with me still living with her at that time). He said he would come. She told me that although she knows I am upset about him coming that is not HER problem. She came home and has been extremely irritable with me and critical about so many things I say or do whereas before all was going pretty smoothly. We had a huge argument this morning about stupid things. I wondered if it was because of her visit with him. He is planning to move here this fall to be near her. So things will probably be even more stressful then as she is so happy he is moving to be near her and her family and I know it will be hard for me to have him nearby. There will probably be competition between us for our daughter and grandchildren’s love and time which I have to begin to work on so it doesn’t happen because it would upset my daughter even more and isn’t fair to her and her children.
I think that your daughter feels torn about her relationships with both of you as she knows that you are probably feeling badly about her talking to him more and less with you. She is avoiding you most likely out of some guilt about that.
I think in many cases daughters know that mom will always give unconditional love and although I don’t know the relationship yours had with her dad before but for some they weren’t that close and were always looking for dad’s approval and love. Now dad reaches out and they jump on the opportunity to have a great relationship with them. This happened to a friend of mine these past few months. Even though her husband of 36 years cheated on her, her oldest daughter changed loyalties and is now much closer to her father. My friend is devastated and heart-broken. Her daughter even told her that she was not welcome to come to her wedding (which was yesterday). A week ago she was told she could come if she adhered to certain conditions such as behaving appropriately, etc. which is a joke because my friend is nothing but a kind and classy woman. But all went well at the wedding as she swallowed her pride and did it for her daughter.
You are also a classy and wonderful person so I wouldn’t worry about your future relationship with your daughter. It may take some time but it will work out. Your daughter knows what kind of a mother you are and will eventually work out her relationships with you and her dad. Just remember she is suffering too and confused about everything herself.
When I first experienced my separation I never even thought about this “side effect” of this process. It is indeed a very difficult one and we want to keep our closeness with our children as before but we and they have to adjust and set up new ones again as things have changed. This is very hard but it is just another challenge for all of us.
Let us know in the future how all works out.
Big hugs to you,
Donna
I went through this same thing with my dad when I was in my late teens early twenties. My dad left my mom and 5 kids to run off with a women that was just a few years older than my oldest sister...he had no contact with me or my other brothers and sisters. This went on for a few years. I actually was walking down the street in our town and he was coming towards me...when he was just a few feet away from me...he looked the other way...pretending not to see me...I was devastated. As we passed each other...we were no more than 3 feet apart.
I too swallowed my pride and principals and did what ever I had to do to have a relationship with my dad...as dysfunctional as it was....in the process I hurt my mother very much. I was not aware of the deep hurt until years later. In my defence...I loved my dad...I too was a daddy's girl...I missed him and wanted him in my life...in order to do that I had to live up to his terms...as unfair as they were...I had no choice if I wanted him in my life. No child...regardless of age...should be put in that position. Your ex will pay the price down the road.
Stay strong and centred Kim...know in your heart your daughter loves you very much...she just needs this time to sort things out on her own...allow with love...Big Hugs...Kathy
Iammine, my daughter is 23 and married. You are quite right that kids will manipulate to get what they want. My therapist warned me about this. You typically see this when children are younger, but even as they get older, old habits can rear their ugly heads. Thank you for the hugs and encouragement.
Texlube, thank you for your very kind comments and insights. You are right. I have been there for my daughter when her father was completely absent. I made it possible for her and her husband to move three states away for him to attend grad school. I helped pay for the move. I unloaded the truck with my son-in-law, as my daughter was too sick to help. It was just him and me - imagine that! A 45 year old woman and a 23 year old man completely unloading an 18 foot U-haul in a matter of a few hours. I was sore for days afterwards. But, I was there. Her father has done nothing but send a token gift or words of praise to her from time to time, usually when he's about to drop an unpleasant news bomb on her. She even mentioned this pattern and told me before that she didn't trust him. But, all seems to be forgotten now. And, I suppose that's how it should be - forgiveness is the goal. It just seems that my relationship with my daughter is the collateral damage.
Trisha, I am doing exactly as you mentioned. I'm giving her the time and space to sort things out for herself. She hasn't cut me off completely, as my son did for almost a year. I'm very grateful that she still responds, though sporadically, to my text messages. I still count my blessings, no matter how small they are.
Oh, Kathy, I'm so sorry. Knowing what you went through really helps me to see this from my daughter's perspective. It makes me so sad to think of her afraid and desperate to win his love. You are right, no child should be put into that position. I guess I've been too busy feeling sorry for myself and didn't stop long enough to really see this through the lens of her pain. She did tell me that she's afraid the OW will take over her family and that she'll be forgotten. While I understood her pain, I found myself secretly thinking, "well at least you won't be completely replaced like I was." But, now I see it more from her side. Thank you. The worst thing in the world is to watch your child suffer needlessly and know that you can't do anything to fix it.
If I've forgotten anyone, I apologize. Thank you all for your insights. You have no idea how much this has helped.
Love and hugs to you all,
Kim
I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish I had better advice. Just keep reaching out and being happy.
You can cry to us :) xxoo