Maybe the best route is have him pick her up, I don't think this is going to be about coming to your place. His sister, your daughters aunt is along and maybe she can be the go between. You have to not react and this is about your daughter, and him coming to see her, which should be a good thing. I understand your daughter can not drive herself, and he knows this, so I am sure there will some planning on his part and the aunt to be with her. Let him, and let this be about time she and her dad have. Often in divorce, one parent feels that they have more "rights" to a child than the one that is not there, and although not easy, he has a right to spend time with her. It is about her, not you, not him. It is not about what did or did not happen in your marriage or the divorce. Put that aside for now. Find something to do while your daughter is out, and do not pry too deeply in what he said or doesn't say. Good news, he did not bring the GF, he has some sense of decency.

You are divorced, and if you look at your post, it is more about him in it,, and not so much about the anxiety of seeing him. This is not the time to air anything and if he was involved with someone, this is not about that now. . I get that you are proud of what you have accomplished, but lay low, your daughter and her progress will be seen by him. You said he divorced you because of you.. he did not divorce your daughter. Take the high road, and do what you can to make this for your daughter. She will appreciate that, and take the time alone to do something you want for yourself. It is hard, but you can get by this.

I agree with MsTery on this. Don't be the facilitator in this. She is his daughter and he can arrange the visit. I hope you find something to do for yourself. Get a mani-pedi or see a movie. Something for you. (((HUGS)))

You know ...one of my strongest memories of being a child of divorced parents....My mom NEVER bad-mouthed my dad in front of me,or my brother, nor did she allow anyone else to. I remember once someone started bashing my dad, and her being the southern lady that she is..held up her hand and sweetly said " I WILL not ALLOW you to speak of B, and D,'s daddy that way".. She let them know that was dis respecting me and my brother.
Later after i was grown and married i asked her why? she said "oh honey, i did my share of screaming and bad talking. but i chose my person to do that with" and she said that it was very important to herself to stand by that rule. I am making that same stand as she did...I will vent and call him whatever on here, I figure if it made that strong of an impact on me, maybe it will show my son how much I respect him.

Oh beverlyd, I soooo agree. It is very hard to do but I refuse to say anything bad to my sons about him. It is a difficult thing to do but I think it is important. I will say that my older son does not get along with his Dad and I sometimes have to be a bit of a referee. The X has always favored the younger son. The older son is so much like me.

Lisa, I remember your story and I remember thinking there was an OW but I'm a little suspicious that way. That being said, I would stay out of the visit with daughter and dad as much as is possible. It would be great if you didn't even see him (or hardly saw him). It's good for you and for your daughter and it would be nice if your daughter had some attention from him.

Hugs and prayers! I hope it goes well for you and your daughter.

Thanks everyone. I only reiterated my story to give the background of my situation. I agree with not having contact and am very encouraging to my daughter about his visit. But I know he'll want to come see our place, well, see how Ellen is living. Ive been going back and forth on that and I just won't be home when he drops her off or picks her up. I just know its inevitable we'll come across one another. I don't want to come across bitter and angry, of which I am, and yet I don't want to look to desperate. I'm just saying affirmations all day: calm, confident, healthy, radiant, etc. but I'm a nerveous wreck. What do I wear? What will I say? How will I react? I know it's about my daughter and him...but I want to be prepared. I don't want any discussions with him because they always escalate into harsh words. Yet on the other hand I want him to see me...and how well I'm looking these days and how confident I am. Only from a distance though. I know it won't change anything. I just want to throw in his face this is what he left and for what...such a high price to pay to start his life over again for someone else. If living well is the best revenge I want to do it big time!! But until then how do I take control of this situation?

"But until then how do I take control of the situation?"

You really only have control of you. Let the rest happen. Know that wether he sees you or not you have done a tremendous job with your daughter. You know why you moved to Florida and you are the only one who has to be satisfied with your reason for doing so. It is really none of his business anymore. Many times it seems they don't value what we value and that is why they can leave what seems to us is a great life.

Keep turning the focus back to yourself. Do something good for yourself.

LisaMariB, what your ex thinks doesn't matter any more. What matters is that "you" think you matter, that you're okay, that you can be proud of the mother you are and of the wife your were. Think of all the good things you've done in your marriage and what you did and continue to do in your motherhood, and hold your head up proudly.

I know it hurts to think that he cheated on you and that he's now engaged to be married again. That's your ego hurting. When I feel sad about my ex having moved on so quickly (and possibly before the end of our marriage), I feel very sad but then I always thank my lucky stars I'm no longer in that sorry situation. She's welcome to him, and if he hasn't changed, she's in for a tough time, too, so I even feel sorry for her. I don't want him any more, so after a few tears for what might have been, I can soon rid myself of sad thoughts by remembering exactly what it was like to live with him.

When you see him, keep those thoughts in mind of what it was really like to live with him. Remember what he was like and how he treated you. You don't need to be nervous around him. Choose to be yourself, the new more confident and healthy you, and even if he only sees you at a distance, he'll recognise the new you in the way you carry yourself.

I agree with you that being the best you possilbe is the best thing for you to do.

love and hugs
kamary

Hello,
I remember the first time that I had to face my x ..and all of her Family who left me . It was my Granddaughters birthday and I had to go … well just like you ,I was nervous and all that stuff. It was also in a large hall. Well I made it to the hall and I walked inside, but couldn’t stay there. It hurt to much to see them all again and they ignoring me after 38 years. So I left. I’m an emotional person and it just got the best of me . So, I know what your feeling somewhat. With that said ………. Everyone is right here.. It’s about you .not him . not his sister. I would just be yourself. Dress regular be yourself. You don’t have to be over friendly ,but you can say hi if you want. I wouldn’t get into any conversation with him or his sister. . I would not let him in the house ,other then picking your daughter up . It’s your house !!! If he wants to know how the daughter is living ..send him pictures. It would be good if you could have someone there with you too for support. That would really help ,if you can get someone. I think that this is a time to show your daughter that your moving on ,,,that you’re not going to let him make you angry…. That if that’s the way he wants it ..so be it .. Show your daughter that your above him … you’re not going to let him control you and your actions ..

Be yourself , my dear… I’m sure that you were and are a good person … just stay the same .. As time goes on ,it will get easier to see him . And at that time ..you won’t care at all … not even pay attention to him .. Remember this PLEASE…you didn’t do anything … you have nothing to be ashamed about ..he does..
You’re going to be fine …. .
God bless you and your daughter ..
Timeman
PS. Remember he wanted this .... so be it !!!

By virtue of the fact that you are worrying about what to wear and how to "act" says to me that you still have not reached the point of acceptance; that a part of you may still want him to find you attractive. The longer you have this sort of feeling, the more vulnerable you will remain to him and anything he says or does.

Granted, this is a sticky situation, but you can handle it. Do you have a therapist or counselor that you can talk to about this?

My recommendation is to MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE when he comes around. You don't need to "show" him anything or "prove" anything to him or to yourself. And KNOW that any angry words or bitterness that leaks out will only serve to put YOU in a bad light. Wasted words, my dear. If you don't think you can keep your mouth shut, then REMOVE YOURSELF from the situation. Hide in the closet and stick a voodoo doll with needles if you have to, but DON'T LET HIM SEE YOUR ANGER OR BITTERNESS! And PLEASE don't share these feelings with your daughter. She doesn't deserve it. Let her come to her own conclusions.

Sending love and hugs and prayers for strength your way. And if you have any Xanax, I highly recommend taking 1/2 if you think you're going to cave in to your impulses! xoxoxo