Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
We all know the pain of losing a husband who we loved, trusted, etc, but did anyone else feel the pain of losing a family you had been part of for so long?
I live 5 hours from my nearest family members, so my children and I were very close to my ex's family who lived much closer. HIS parents WERE my second parents. Actually, for over 24 years I was closer to them than my own parents. Because they were closer, we spent every holiday with them and various family get-togethers. My own parents rarely came to visit, so I adopted my ex's family and they, me. Being ripped from the "family" was almost as hard as losing my ex and has caused problems between me and my children...them remaining close to them and me being the parent on the outside looking in.
So, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced losing, not just the husband, but his family as well. My XFIL totally sided with his son and never spoke to me again claiming, "My son was unhappy." Whatever. My
xMIL though has never let me go and told her son that she had never been so disappointed in one of her children. I loved her for that. She and I were closer than she was with her other 2 DIL's and I am the mother f her only granddaughters. Plus, my DD30 had a baby at 19 and put him in an open adoption which is another bond my XMIL and I share. We both have remained in my grandson's life and love him as our own unlike my ex and his now deceased father who never even saw him. My ex held him the day he was born (because I made him) and hasn't seen him since and he lives right here in our city.
Ok...sorry I got off subject. As for pictures, I visited my MIL in her senior home a couple years ago after my XFIL died (no I did not go to his funeral), and what did I see in her livingrooom? A huge family picture that must have been taken at the time of the ex's wedding. In it was the new wife PLUS HER 2 kids. I just looked at it and almost got sick to my stomach. I felt totally replaced in that family. It was like...that's MY family; those are MY children, but there's a new mother in my place. It just made me sad. I did...I felt totally replaced in my family and in that entire family. As she showed me her new apartment though, I noticed that she had hanging in her bedroom the big family picture we had taken 15 years ago which included me. It just endeared her to me more. We only live now 2 minutes away, but don't see each other often. I doubt I will ever go to her home again, but we see each other when my grandson has a school or extracurricular function. She goes with me and dh which of course my dh found strange at first, but he admits she's a nice lady, so it's getting easier. I also remain close to one of my ex's SILs to this day.
I'd love to hear from you all on this topic.
I live 5 hours from my nearest family members, so my children and I were very close to my ex's family who lived much closer. HIS parents WERE my second parents. Actually, for over 24 years I was closer to them than my own parents. Because they were closer, we spent every holiday with them and various family get-togethers. My own parents rarely came to visit, so I adopted my ex's family and they, me. Being ripped from the "family" was almost as hard as losing my ex and has caused problems between me and my children...them remaining close to them and me being the parent on the outside looking in.
So, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced losing, not just the husband, but his family as well. My XFIL totally sided with his son and never spoke to me again claiming, "My son was unhappy." Whatever. My
xMIL though has never let me go and told her son that she had never been so disappointed in one of her children. I loved her for that. She and I were closer than she was with her other 2 DIL's and I am the mother f her only granddaughters. Plus, my DD30 had a baby at 19 and put him in an open adoption which is another bond my XMIL and I share. We both have remained in my grandson's life and love him as our own unlike my ex and his now deceased father who never even saw him. My ex held him the day he was born (because I made him) and hasn't seen him since and he lives right here in our city.
Ok...sorry I got off subject. As for pictures, I visited my MIL in her senior home a couple years ago after my XFIL died (no I did not go to his funeral), and what did I see in her livingrooom? A huge family picture that must have been taken at the time of the ex's wedding. In it was the new wife PLUS HER 2 kids. I just looked at it and almost got sick to my stomach. I felt totally replaced in that family. It was like...that's MY family; those are MY children, but there's a new mother in my place. It just made me sad. I did...I felt totally replaced in my family and in that entire family. As she showed me her new apartment though, I noticed that she had hanging in her bedroom the big family picture we had taken 15 years ago which included me. It just endeared her to me more. We only live now 2 minutes away, but don't see each other often. I doubt I will ever go to her home again, but we see each other when my grandson has a school or extracurricular function. She goes with me and dh which of course my dh found strange at first, but he admits she's a nice lady, so it's getting easier. I also remain close to one of my ex's SILs to this day.
I'd love to hear from you all on this topic.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
NO i don't miss my kids "poppy" he is more poopy than a grandfather
i'm sorry for the rant
I had been married at 19 to a push and shover. We lived with his parents for a short time. His mother was so kind to me but the rest of his family was a bit distant. She helped me get a job in their little town and cooked my favorite foods for Sunday dinner. She was nicer to me than my own mother and I think of her often. I saw her a few times after our divorce and my oldest daughter was able to see her grandmother a lot.
I was also very close to my in-laws. I met them and was welcomed into the family when I was 14. I was worried about what would happen, but I had a call from my exMIL within weeks. She said they had no intention of losing me, and they treated me as they always had. Naturally, I couldn't confide in them after I left but I had confided in my exMIL when my ex was being an ass. He also treated her badly, so we helped each other. My exFIL died just over 12 months past our separation. I did go to the funeral, heart in mouth. My exSIL insisted that I sit with their family, and I ended up between my ex and my exMIL - place of honour - and it felt weird but right. I'm still close to my exSIL. We have regular weekends away together. She stayed with me last weekend. One exBIL is kind, the other has cut me off. I accept that. He's been divorced twice and was my ex's confidante prior to our split. Without getting too involved, I think he advised my ex to force me to make the move to split, rather than go himself. I also think he knew about the ow. My exSIL and my other exBIL have little to do with my ex. Interestingly, my exMIL has dementia and is able to recognise all of us sometimes, but never knows my ex. When I stay with her long enough, she will get that look in her eye and will ask me "I love you?"
I feel humbled by the love and acceptance I still receive from most of my ex's family.
love and hugs
kamary
When the ex and I separated 2 (out of 3) of his brothers and one SIL immediately cut off all communication. Even going as far as unfriending & blocking me on social media. My MIL accepted and became friends with the Mistress immediately as well. One bother and his wife have shown me some kindness in the beginning but to have since dropped off communication. It has been devastating to not only lose my husband and family as I knew it, but also to lose 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 3 nieces and 2 nephews. I thought the 20 years I was a part of the family would have meant something, but little did I know I was barely a visitor. Easily replaced and forgotten.
The ex once made a comment at the dinner table when we were all together that if he were to cold-blooded murder someone that his mother would likely say "oh dear, don't worry about it, I'm SURE he deserved it!". lol. NOT. Even my ex MIL laughed at the absurdity of it at the time!
Soooooo I guess it should have come as no surprise that when the ex and me separated and I went to see my beloved MIL and FIL to tell them the news (HE was too chicken or ashamed or whatever to do it himself) my ex MIL actually had the gall to ask me if the new relationship that the ex (her son) was in with the OW (who was a colleague...I did tell them this) was all HER fault (the OW) and then proceeded to ask me if the OW could actually be BLACKMAILING her son and that's why he continued in the relationship.....WHAT? I was literally stunned when she said this. I assured her that her son was doing this of his own volition.
So it was in the cards that they'd 'dump' me. I'd been "like a daughter to them" as my MIL told me many many times over my almost 30 years with her son. I raised three respectful loving son who were fantastic grandsons, vising and calling on their "grands" because I RAISED THEM THAT WAY AND IT HAD NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the ex! In fact, I used to actually nag (yep I used that horrid word lol) the ex to call his own mother because he was a selfish self-absorbed ass who couldn't be bothered with his aging parents.
Oh well. He's all they have now. Him and his new wife. My boys are still good to their grands, and I'm proud of them for that. In the end, the ex in-laws lost out, I do see that. I feel sorry for them that they closed down and froze me out. They just didn't know how to deal with it. I get that. My own parents are alive and I have three close and loving siblings and extended families so I am very fulfilled in a family way. I don't miss the ex in-laws at all. In a way, I pity them. The ex will not look after them they way I would have in their aging years. Sad.
People come and go in our lives, some for a reason and some for a season as the saying goes, and just because the seasons were many years long with these in-law family members, ultimately there were NOT our families if they rejected or distanced themselves from us because of separation/divorce.
Like Moscato says, blood is thicker than water. My in-law experience was limited (ex was an "only") but I do get that his aged parents likely felt guilt over what their son did and just didn't know how to deal with the situation so.....it's easiest just to let it go. They are good to their grandsons (my sons) helping them to pay for their educations, so I'm grateful for that!
Like we did when our marriages ended, we just learn to move on. It's not an option for many of us and maybe, in the end, it's healthier as we know that our lives are truly separated from the ex. He or she doesn't know what's going on in our lives if we don't have any connections and I kind of like that - it gives me a sense of peace and security knowing that my new life is not being reported on or whispered about, even in passing (I'm not naive enough that they sit around thinking or talking about me though lol).
Besides our own families, we have NEW people in our lives, and the ones that are true and honest and care about us are standing by us here and now! This post helped me to think some of these things through, so thanks to Startingover for the topic - that's why I love this forum! Hugs to all
Read this before posting and stbx is autocorrecting as styx. Seems appropriate.
Just before Christmas my 90 yo MIL became quite ill and had no one to take care of her other than my ex. I broke the silence and stepped up to the plate to help out. It was a decision I do not regret and has been very healing for me. She and I are very tight again. She is now in a home but I am still very active in her care. As far as the rest of the family...other than my ex for my kids sake...they will never cross my doorstep...and I am good with that.
There are so many losses with divorce...some we just never see coming. I would never have thought in a million years I would loose a whole family...but I did...thats just the way the cookie crumbles I guess..how sad. At the end of the day...everyone looses not just us...Big Hugs...Kathy
Just 2 months ago, my DD27 asked me why I couldn't "forgive" her father. I didn't really answer her. If we didn't have children together, I probably would have because we're both happier now, but the fact that because he broke our family has caused such a distance between me and my daughters that I still resent him for it. If we were still an intact family, I would never have endured the emotional pain my daughters have inflicted on me over the last 7 years by choosing their father and HIS family over me. As I said, I'm the outsider looking in.
Sorry...got off topic again. But, being a rather new wife in my dh's family, I can kind of understand it. They have welcomed me with open arms, but then...I was never the OW. My dh divorced in 1997 and we didn't meet until 2008. So, they know I'm a woman of morals and values unlike my ex's wife. I can tell though that my MIL has a soft spot for her XDIL as she knew her when she was young and she and dh were married for 14 years. She even shared with me not long ago a time that her XDIL was there for her in HER time of need. So, I get it. My now MIL is only 17 years older than I am, so we are friends, whereas my XMIL was more like a mother to me. She saw me grow up, whereas I came into dh's family as a full-grown woman.
I've thought about this...if any of MY daughters did what our ex's did...had an affair and broke up their families, then brought the OM into our family, I would be civil, but keep my distance and totally let my daughter know that I did NOT condone what she had done and would let her know of my displeasure. I would cut to the chase and mince no words. But, my daughters would fully expect that of me since they know how I feel about adultery and breaking up families like their father did. I personally prefer to surround myself with people with morals and values...not those who lie and cheat.
I guess the old adage "blood is thicker than water" holds true in most cases. To be perfectly honest, I was RELIEVED not to have to spend another holiday with the dysfunctional family. I don't miss them.
It has five people in it, a man (me), my wife (we're divorcing), and three kids in descending height order. Cute, simple and very normal for an 8-year-old to draw.
Our youngest daughter died in an accident 3.5 years ago. Then, if you can believe this, four weeks later, we got hit by a hurricane/flood.
My wife left me 6 months ago. Now there are only three of us in this house, when my daughter is home from college (my son commutes to college from home).
The stick figure picture reminds me of when things were normal ...
I have only one small full family photo in my house and I always make sure something is positioned near his end so I don't have to see him every day. Naughty, I know, and I hope the kids haven't twigged. My therapist recommended that there be at least one family photo for my kids' sake. Maybe your stick figure picture can be yours.
love and hugs
kamary
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone in your grief. Hugs