I know my stbx has regrets for sure. We are fortunate in that we have been able to work out everything in a more than fair way to me. Like he said, " we were married 25 years, I care for you and it is my responsibility to make sure you are taken care of for the rest of your life". We have been able to communicate through this whole process, and can remain "friends". Unfortunately not all people are blessed to have my situation. In this devastating mess, we are able to make it as easy and best that we can for ourselves and our children.

I think my stbx regrets getting caught. Maybe they do at times but I've never seen it. If they had any, wouldn't they ever tell us how sorry they are. My stbx told me he was sorry once in front of a priest. I felt it was all an act at the time. 2 days later I found out about the OW. I got a few emails saying he was sorry he hurt me. I responded with Did you really think having an affair would make me feel warm and fuzzy? He's told so many lies about me and now we are in the fight of our life with this divorce. My lawyer told me stbx doesn't want me to have anything.

If you had regrets wouldn't you try to be really fair in the divorce? I'm only looking for equal and equitable.

I can tell you what they really regret, losing half of everything in assets, as it was put to me, that HE worked his entire life for....

I have not had the heartbreak added of infidelity, and I have the nothing but respect for all of you that deal with that. But even if that trust was not broken, you can not trust them.

And I do not want to be a negative blot on here, but as someone who went from him telling me pretty much I could have the house, half of everything, lifetime maintenance with increases as his salary went up and he felt he owed me that as he wanted out... to I deserve nothing. I want to warn everyone, and I think sld1 will concur with me, until you have a signed order from the judge, and it is filed you are divorce, believe nothing. Other than you are going to get divorced.

One problem is that those of left behind stay in the mode of we trust this person or he has always done x,y and z. Not completely but are conditioned to it, we can not help it. It takes a while to figure out that this is not the person that he/she was twenty years ago. We grew together, but then he broke off. Sorry I hurt you doesn't do it. That is just their guilt and some big plan they have to tell themselves that they HAD to this. Whether it was someone else, or they were just unhappy. My ex with no friends even told me statements such as, me and a lot of other people think that I should divorce you because you blah blah... I said if I cared about what "other " people thought I would not have married you 27 years ago, because other people told me what are you doing? They all try and justify their behavior with a lot of BS and that is all it is.

I filed, and have no regrets - I have great sadness - but he was abusive, lazy and drank way to much. He told my younger son that he had to hire 3 people to replace my work in the store - wonder why he never considered doing some of the work himself? I often wonder when the turn happened - when the tenderness and love left our marriage - I remember so many negative incidents - but at some point he got very mean, and I got very detached - probably was gradual as trust eroded. I do think back to the early years of our marriage with fond thoughts - it's just that we changed so much.

My STBX has no regrets, He is living the good life with all the assets and the house, his income etc. He only wishes I would go away instead of fighting him in court. He believes his money is his and if I want some I should go earn it.
I don't beleive he is lonely or misses anything. He has what he wanted, freedom from me.

I don't think my ex has regrets. He just told me on the phone a few minutes ago that his life with his new wife, her kids and baby on the way is better than it's been for a very long time........makes me feel so sad, like what we had never amounted to anything......

Reading all of these posts makes me so sad. How do our ex's or stbx's not have the compassion they had when we married them? How can you turn your back on someone that gave you their life? How can you want them to be in the poor house?

I've read here that some of the ex's turned their back on their own children. That just breaks my heart.

I remember that a few weeks after this started for me I looked at my stbx and asked him if he had any regrets? He calmly told me not a one.

He's out of town with one of his girlfriends. He's cheating on all of them too. His friend told me about 4 women but I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth. He could still be with the woman he left me for. He said they broke up when I told him I was going to sue her for alienation of affection. Well, they broke up within 48 hours of my saying that. It could all be more lies trying to get me to leave her alone.

Hugs to all of you.

I've heard stories that it is not unusual for them to ask to come back, even a couple years later, no matter how insane they've acted.

My cousin's first wife got pregnant by his best friend, and during their divorce she lied and said he abused their son, never picked him up from daycard, had hit her, etc.--all lies! He eventually got joint custody anyway, and then she said:

"Let's let bygones be bygone." How convenient for HER!! Let me total ruin your life, your reputation, cheat and betray, but you forgive and forget now.

Regardless of what they say, their actions are all SELFISH.

I absolutely do believe that they have regrets. I think they probably each show it in different ways. For my X, I think he has regrets of the "family unit" he lost. But yet, in talking with my counselor, I can see that each time he has talked about reconciliation or that he is sorry, it's always about what he has lost, which is quite revealing. So yes, I do think that after 20-30 years of marriage, they have to have regrets, but are their regrets still for selfish reasons, i.e., what they have lost, not what damage they have done to their families. In fact, that is a good follow up question. Do you think their regrets are more for themselves like my X or do you think they have regrets for what they have caused their children?

In answer to the 2nd question of why would they seek out a new relationship in lieu of their family I believe it is for a number of reasons. I think they have processed or been told by their new friends that their lives will be better. Doesn't misery love company? Or maybe while they were out with their friends THEY decided that their lives would be better without the responsibilities of family. I know in looking at my X's friends, none were married except the OW and she was still with her husband, although she told my X he would be better off single without the confines of marriage.

I also don't think they realize the deep implications of an affair. The children are so affected by it and of course, we, the spouses don't trust them anymore. It's like reality jumped off the cliff while they were processing their decisions. But reality is here and thus all the rest of what's going on in our lives and now impacting some of them financially. It didn't affect my X financially, he had already taken everything before he made the decision to leave. But that's another story.

Great post and great answers. I hope more will jump on this post because I love getting the different perspectives. This is an awesome group. There is so much thought and deep feelings that come through here. Thank you all for sharing.

Yes - the whole damn thing is sad - I have lost a son in this divorce - a home - a sense of belonging and have an ex whohas my business, a new home he is buying and a new car. I have an apartment - no job and no sense of family. I hate this. But I couldn't stay with him - I just couldn't.

I do think my husband has regrets over what he has done over the last two years to me and the kids. I believe he feels worst for the kids than for me. He is home again (this is the third and final attempt to save this marriage)I now think what am I doing? The affair will always be in the back of my mind. I am a christian women and prayed for our family to be reunited. I think it might of took him a little to long to come to his senses. But this is what I prayed for and I know I have to try. Guess I will be moving to surviving infidelity I wish all you wonderful people the best of luck! Maybe his guilt is some form of love for me?

She has regretted every day after I recieved my papers, I got the papers on a Sunday evening and by Teusday ahe was wanting to kiss and make up...anytime she didn't get her way on anything she would threaten divorce, that and the years of verbal and emotional abuse just took its toll, so when she filed just to get me to give up what little control over me that I had left , I thought hey this is my ticket out of here...I haven't looked back, and she regrets it everyday. I may sound as if I just gave up but after 15 years of groveling and kissing butt, it was leaving a crappy taste in my mouth and I was done....Many of you know my story and for those that don't....this was a good thing for the marriage was starting to effect my health....which has improved greatly since I moved out and even more since the divorce was final...It is sad but a life saver for me....AJJ

Wow, Caligirl, you said exactly what I was thinking. The regrets are selfish ones, not truly sadness for the pain inflicted. My ex is going through a period right now where he comes to me in tears and missing what he had. I think what's causing it is that he can see I am moving on emotionally and don't need to rely on him for my self esteem so much. I really believe this is true because on a weekend like this one where he is off with his girlfriend, I haven't heard a word from him. However, I know that I'll hear from him during the week, full of regrets and sadness again. He's using his "regret" to try to keep me tied to him I think. Where was all this sensitivity when he was lying to me and sneaking off to be with his many girlfriends? The regret he has is probably genuine to the extent that it serves him. I don't need it.

My counselor helped me to keep my perspective. He helped me see it for what it was. I think sometimes we "wish" things when we are in that terrible emotional place when the separation first starts with all the sadness and we want it to quit so we take their trying for reconciliation as a "he's missing me" but my counselor helped me see that it was all for selfish reasons. It was sad to think about because you hope they miss you, and they do, in their own selfish way and for their own selfish reasons.

My counselor says "the brain lies" about every five minutes during our sessions. They may have regrets but their brain lies to them and tells them that they are justified in what they are doing and that we deserve it (just my stbx?). Or they are so narcissistic that they really don't care about anyone but themselves - if affairs are about how it makes them feel, then we are skrewed because after 20+ years we know all of their mistakes and failings, personality flaws, and what they really think about things; we know them too well, and they can't face themselves any more, so their brain tells them that we are the villain. They can lie to their hearts content - to themselves, to the new people in their lives.

A couple of days ago I finally realized why HE is mad at ME - because he expects me to be the same person he was married to - the one that trusted him, did nice things for him, the one who loved him and only wanted him to be happy. All bets are off now, buster!