I also agree with kamary...its great advise. I slipped up a few times with my kids...defensive conversation...it did not go well...it drove a wedge between us. What worked best for me is waiting until natural conversation led into what happened or why. I have found that when my kids were ready to hear it and able to process it...they asked. When they asked I stated my point of view with no emotion and just answered that one question...I did not go into a rant or attack towards my ex. Slowly they processed the info...placed it beside what their dad's version was and came to their own conclusions...conclusions based on facts not twisted views. Here is just one example...when my ex kicked me out this 2nd time...I took my bed, my 17" TV, a chair, a few pots and pans, dishes and cutlery...that's it. I left him everything else. The only thing he had to buy was a bed. He loaded all the furniture into the truck and took it to the dump. He then took pictures of the empty house and told everyone how I cleaned him out and showed pictures to prove it. My kids thought I was ruthless and hateful to him. Our friends thought of me as the typical scorned women. It was really tough to take but I held my tongue. In time the truth came out and he made himself look like a complete fool....and that has not stopped...he has become the joke of our community.

So...its important to choose your moments wisely...when she is ready she will ask...if she accuses you of something that is untrue...simply and calmly state that and move on...if she asks...tell her the truth calmly and address that one issue...Big Hugs...Kathy

Happened to me with both my children

There are so many who endure this - there is an estrangement support board on DS

Good to know that Peaces, thanks so much.

An update…things are better now. She has been contacting me more often. Yesterday, she came by for dinner and we talked about all the things she'll need for her new apt, which she moves into over the weekend. She genuinely seemed interested in making things good again. I hope it's for real. This past month without her has been pure hell on me, not knowing if I'd lost her forever or what. Feeling relieved but not 100% ready to completely let my guard down.

GG, that's wonderful news! You may have to keep that guard up for quite a while - the one where you let her decide if you discuss the issues, and even then, keep it short and factual. I'm 4 1/2 years post estrangement, and my eldest is still maintaining a distance. Never mind. Slowly, slowly catchee monkey. (In other words, being 'constant' brings their respect, security and the knowledge that you will always be there. Our kids of divorce need to know that we won't leave them.)

love and hugs
kamary

Boy I think I'm really late on this post, but after all of this, I'm so glad that you and she are getting better again. Very good news! Have faith, keep the love flowing momma.

I had a very open discussion with my son recently...he just turned 27. Although I knew how difficult divorce was for him....I had no idea just how deep and far reaching it was. It broke my heart to hear him talk about it. He had the rug pulled out from underneath him...he believed his life as he knew it was one big lie. He still has issues emotionally with trust and its been almost 10 years from the 1st time his dad and I divorced. He recently met the love of his life and is planning a future with her...this seems to have brought up some of his issues. Regardless of our childrens age...divorce effects them just as deeply as it does us in a different way...Big Hugs...Kathy

Awww, dairy, your post brought tears to my eyes, thinking that she might feel her life up to this point was a lie or didn't mean as much now. Ugh. Didn't even think of that.

Goldengir, I'm so glad to hear about your daughter starting to draw back to you. Seems like she is realizing what's between you and her father doesn't really have anything to do with her. A new apartment sounds exciting (((HUGS)))

It is very exciting, Mis. Timing could not be better. Plus, she'll feel lots of independence now and not so controlled or brainwashed by her dad I hope.

Difficult weekend. We began to move her into her new apt. I realize that she's in a super awkward position now and I try to understand. But, at the same time, I feel like I have the right to be involved in her life especially at times like this when family is very involved. She acted so weird all weekend. It's like she knows(or has been coached by her dad)that she needs to keep me in the picture because she needs my help at the moment. There's lots to be done moving her into an apt., lots of things she knows nothing about. So, it's almost like she's faking conversations with me so I'll help her with what she needs. Does that make sense? i hate that. And I'm not sure if her dad has told her to do that or not. Things kind of blew up yesterday when she was taking things from the house for her apt. I called her on something that she had given us as gift from a trip she took to Costa Rica. I asked her to please respect the fact that that belonged to me. If she had asked if she could take it, I would have let her. But she didn't even ask. So, we got into this big fight. She started in again about how all I do is "sit on the sofa." Ridiculous. So, I invited her to stay for awhile and let me show her all that I am doing right now. She agreed. So, I told her as much as I could so she would understand. I think she started to see that I wasn't just "sitting on the sofa" and that I had quite a lot on my plate. She said something really curious though. She wanted to come and watch me work for a day. It was an odd thing to say. I still think her dad is creating this image of me as someone who cannot be trusted. I think she wanted to come "watch" to make sure I was doing what I said I was. It was just kind of weird. Ugh. I want my daughter back. I don't want a version of her that her dad has created. What an odd and stressful situation this is.

GG, I know we shouldn't ever have to prove to anyone that we are who we say we are. However, the normal rules of life don't apply in estrangement. I found it WAS up to me to show my girls that I am NOT what my ex or any other gossips are saying.

I be myself but I be my best self. My motto is 'love, compassion and respect for all' and I stick to that as closely as possible. One daughter reconciled completely in 3 months and we are closer than ever. The other took 3 1/2 years to be in better contact, and another year to return properly.

Be the best you possible, and try to act normally while she's around. Yes, she'll be watching you but maybe you can include her in your work as well. Make it a fun but seriously working kind of day, if possible?

This is a great opportunity to show her who you really are, and bond some more as well.

All the best

love and hugs
kamary

Thanks, kamary. I'm getting the feeling, too, that she thinks the way to relate to each of us now to say bad stuff about the other. When she walked in today, first thing she did was start slamming her dad and some family situation he's involved in. She was dead on and knew that that would be something that confirmed what I have saying for years. It was. But then, when her dad showed up, she brightened up and was really glad to see him. So, I think she's playing a game here. She's a smart kid and stuck in the middle at the moment. But, I don't like what she's doing. I have to remember not to respond to this game and avoid at all costs saying anything about him or agreeing with her.

I think that could be kind of a test to see who is willing to badmouth the other, and if you do, you fail her test.

My daughters have said a few things not so complimentary about their dad, and I tend to just let them talk. Like you, I agree that he can be very judgmental and disrespectful, but I don't get into it with them. I just try to be as sympathetic as I can be without saying anything about him myself. A couple of times, when it's been more a factual discussion, I did agree that he never used to eat ice cream so his sudden discovery that crushed nuts are pretty good on ice cream was not a surprise, and I've also agreed that he never really made a fuss of his nephews and nieces. Facts only. No personal denigration.

Yes no badmouthing at all costs. Your daughter is stuck in the middle and most likely feels like you're both after her to be on your side. I have to admit it would be nice if I didn't have to deal with my ex, but that's pie in the sky. We do have to deal with our exes in our kids' lives, so we may as well do it properly IMO.

You can do it. Bring some fun and love into the picture, too, tho.

love and hugs
kamary

I have to share this. My daughter is on some meds for ADHD and we were in to see her doc for an annual checkup. The doc asked her if she noticed that she had been particularly depressed or anxious at all during the past year. My daughter said she felt really depressed when we told her that we were separating back in the Fall. And then again, about two months or so ago when she finished up her freshman year at college and then instead of moving back home with me, she chose to move in with her dad until she got her apt. downtown in June. She said that basically, "Mom, freaked out when I did that but I wasn't really sure why." "Things are a little bit better now but looking back, I call that the WTF period." I started to laugh and so did her doc. Too funny that she referred to it like that but encouraging because it implies that that awkward time between us is over.

(((HUGS))) I'm glad you're feeling better about the situation with your D