Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Daughter

goldengir
goldengir
I thought all was going well until today. My soon-to-be ex had asked if it would be ok for our daughter to stay with him during the month between the end of her freshman year in college and when she moves into an apt. of her own. He said it had been "pretty quiet" around there and that he could use the company. I said fine. It had been quiet here, too, but I figured I would see my daughter at least a few times a week in that interim. Yesterday, he picked her up at college and they brought home her stuff and left it on our porch, just too much take up into his condo all at once he said. I thought that was a bit odd of him to say because she lives here when she's not in school. So, trying to be amicable, I said fine. Today, they came to get the rest of her stuff. I started to feel like she was leaving for good. This is my baby, the girl I raised for 20 years, the special needs girl I gave my all to for 20 years. So, I saw the writing on the wall and confronted her. I have suspected that he has been making snide remarks about me and she tends to be very easy influenced. She started saying all this stuff that I know came right out of her dad's mouth. I was so upset. I don't deserve that. I have been a super dedicated loving mom for all these years. And now, her dad seems to be trying to pull her away. I could not be more upset and saddened. Has anyone had experience with this?
tobywinn
tobywinn
If you're trying to sell the idea her father is using a form of child abuse , the challenge is you've already consented to her living arrangements with her father. If you had prior knowledge of this abuse, you will be challenged on your judgment of why you did not intervene immediately and complied? Requesting a restraining order too will be challenged whether or not you acted promptly preventing recent dangerous interactions and proof your child is in danger from neglience and threat to her life.

If you want your lawyer to achieve something tangible [modified visitations or money], then that's the way to go. You're not likely going to be successful in getting the legal system to slap the hands of her father if you're blaming him for influencing your daughter's thought patterns. That may be the role of the therapist.
Good luck.
tobywinn
tobywinn
PS: Seems baby girl age 20 in college has an attitude and discipline problem. I don't care if daddy is providing finances.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Goldengirl, I have a rather forward question, for which I intend no disrespect, what are your daughters special needs?
I ask before I offer my opinion/advice/experience, all of which are directed towards not trusting your turd husband in how he may craft his narrative to serve his self centered ways
goldengir
goldengir
broken - she has a receptive language disorder, which means that she has difficulty processing what she hears, just kind of slow to understand conversation, ADHD and anxiety/OCD. Her dad has the same thing minus the ADHD.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you and please excuse my ignorance, am I correct in saying that she cN certInly think for herself and arrive at her own conclusions, it just takes some time for her to assemble the inputs into "order" but once assembled the dot connecting is up to her?
If so, the you've got to be straight with her. Tell her the objective facts as best you can, write them in notes or emails. Let her see thAt you love and respect her enough to not lead her thoughts to anywhere. Keep to the objective facts as best you can that do not point out what a turd you ex is.
Your ex is most definitely leading her thoughts, don't fight over the reins of her thoughts. Give her facts to"chew on". She will eventually come to realize that daddy does not want her thinking for herself. She'll figure out why soon after.
She she sees that he feArs the truth he has made.
goldengir
goldengir
Yes, that's right. She's a bright kid, As/Bs her freshman year in college. It's just the language thing…understanding what she hears. Mostly comes into play int social situations and in understanding conversations that are going on around her. And focusing(ADHD). So, despite these things, she can put two and two together. I realized yesterday that strangely thinks her dad is the one to hang with because "he has the money." I do very much need to sit her down and talk with her. She needs the FACTS.
sarahleah2
sarahleah2
Liike so many others here, I've experienced something similar to your situation. My 20 year old daughter was living with me, seemingly happily, until her father took her skiing one weekend , at which point she texted me to say she was going to live with him. It would be laughable if f it weren't so sad, but he's buying her the puppy I refused to have.....
I agree with everyone else that the best thing to do is to continue to show your daughter that you love her, but beyond that, don't engage. Anything you say or do can be twisted out of context, so just be constant, loving, non-judgmental. Sometimes it's difficult to stay silent, but really it's best in the long run. Stay strong!
Hugs
tobywinn
tobywinn
Your daughter says: "You don't know how to do anything by yourself, even take care of the yard." What??? Correct, there's no need to yell, it's not effective. Which by the way, has nothing to do with nothing. It appears your off spring feels qualified and privileged to evaluate the life skill performance of another adult....yours mainly!

I'm not one who looks for reasons [divorce, her feelings, whatever] to pacify her behavior, but it's her performance that is subject to evaluation. Her focus , however, should be making sure she makes the grade on her college courses! Otherwise, it'll be REQUIRED that she looks for full time employment. That's the rule life. This puts you back in the driver's seat.
goldengir
goldengir
Yeah, she's out of hand. I don't disagree at all. Full of anxiety toward the future, making irrational assumptions and decisions…I hope to have a talk with her this week and help her better understand my personal situation. The facts. The words she used were her dad's words. I am sure of it. She is drawn to her dad because he has always done all the thinking for her, made all her decisions. She doesn't have to do a thing or think when she's with him. No, this is not good. I have explained to him for years that she is more than capable of making her own decisions. He thinks, in some very twisted way, that he is "helping" her because of her disabilities. He isn't. I think what it's doing is just relieving his own sense of guilt because he has some of these disabilities himself. I think he feels responsible because she got these disabilities from him. Does that make sense?
Misred
Misred
(((HUGS))) Sorry you are going through this. Yes, it seems to happen often. You have been given great advice. I also gave my kids space, didn't badmouth their father and waited. My D is doing so much better now.
tobywinn
tobywinn
You want to help her better understand what exactly ? That you're actually the "good guy" and dad is a "turd"? It seems to me, your motive is to defend and preserve your character, as if it is challenged! My dear, your statement confirms: "I don't deserve that. I have been a super dedicated loving mom for all these years." This tells me, you haven't been getting that mother-daughter verbal confirmation from your daughter and lately, it's been contrary.

As others stated, tread your plan cautiously as to how you're planning to achieve "improved connection" as oppose to explaining your very personal MARITAL situation with privy detailed facts to an off spring is a NO,NO. Stay away 100 yards from the " he said " stuff as if it is radioactive poison. Change the topic if needed and quickly. These folks here wore the shoes and walked this very path.

Set up some active quality tea-time and lots of sweet honey motherly love talk instead. Good luck.
goldengir
goldengir
I never say anything bad about him. I haven't said much about myself either. THAT's what needs explaining. She needs to know why I am not working at the moment and hard it is to start all over at the age of 56. She needs to know why dad is paying for everything at the moment and why that is not because of something I didn't do. I know not to condemn her dad. Not a good idea. I do feel the need to give her some more facts(re: me)so that she can make her own honest judgments. Don't have to say a word about dad.
kamary
kamary
GG, if you can squeeze some of that info in while you're having a normal girlie day, that'll be fine, but if you make a point of defending yourself, I have first hand experience of it not going down well.

The kids that are in your daughter's position seem to have difficulty with and withdraw further if there is any kind of defence, showing hurt feelings, and even illness.

The best defence is to be normal. Make every minute with her loving and fun. Try to put the trouble out of your mind and just be. If she brings up the issue again, do not react emotionally. Keep your cool, and quietly and calmly, state your truth. Then leave it be and do something else. She will take as long as it takes to absorb your rational, unemotional and factual words in her own time (I saw that you said she takes a little longer to absorb conversation).

If you can, listen to your inner self. If you 'get' a feeling in your heart that it's not right to say something, don't say it. If you get a definite feeling it IS right to say something, go ahead. Only you can know what's best and if follow your heart and not your head, it'll most probably work out for the best.

lvoe and hugs
kamary
Misred
Misred
Kids are different....even the young adults. They have this feeling that they need to choose sides, even if you assure them they don't. They are immature and trying to figure life and relationships out. I agree with kamary in her reply #28, handle with kid gloves....no pun intended.
tobywinn
tobywinn
I'm with Kamary! Daughter doesn't need to know "why" anything. Shifting the agenda to "This is how you are going to do it" meaning while you achieve independence, her support is to focus her attention on college!!!

Since the contract between mamma and daddy has legally been worked out, separate household arrangements have been established. Your house will have its unique rules in which you expect her to comply. And yes, daddy is kind enough [isn't he sweet !] to financially support her college fund [as he should] while mamma gets back into her career mode. Finished. Done. Now, let's go to lunch and have tea so we can get re-connected as mother/daughter.