I'm truly sorry that you are going through this. Sadly, yes, I have experienced what you are now experiencing. I know several others here who have gone through it, too. The day my ex kicked me (after 24 years of marriage) out of our home in front of our grown children so he could be with his mistress, he told my children that I was evil. He wanted them to believe that I was to blame for our marriage ending and our family breaking apart. My son believed him and didn't speak to me for nearly a year. My daughter knew the truth, there were witnesses to the affair who came forward and told her about it. Nevertheless, fast forward a little over a year, and she's so desperate for his love and affection that she starts to pull away from me. It's hard enough to deal with the pain and upheaval of divorce, but to have your kids brainwashed is something else entirely. I know why he did it. He wanted to preserve his reputation. Perhaps your ex is similarly motivated.

The good news is that, in time, your daughter will see the truth. My son eventually did, though he's still very close to his father. But, he does talk to me and come see me. My daughter is afraid she's losing her father to the affair partner so she's clinging to him. I just stay positive, let my children know I love them, and keep working to build a happy life for myself.

You can't change the minds and hearts of people who don't wish to change or are being unduly influenced. All you can do is stay consistently loving and available for your kids. I asked my therapist why this particular scenario seems to play itself out so frequently in divorce. She said that when a child has a parent who is consistently and unconditionally loving, they tend to take that love for granted because they feel secure that it will always be there. When a parent is inconsistent, withdraws, or mistreats a child, the child will chase after that parent for love and affection out of fear of losing it. If you look at it like this, you realize that your daughter is afraid and needs your love now more than ever.

Hang in there and just keep being the loving mother you already are. The truth always comes to light, even if it takes a while.

Hugs to you,
Kim

Oh, boy. This journal could have been written by me about 7 yrs ago. When all this hell and back started. You cannot push her to take sides. She will realize it and then watch the train wreck of his making happen. My daughter refused to talk to me for almost 2 yrs. He lied to her so much that she had to leave and go to another city to finish her university studies. I gave her all the space and time she needed. Then one day she called and then I called her back. Since then, she has been living with me. She will see the truth soon enough. Just be there for her and support her no matter what. Give her space to see things for herself. They love to take advantage of them. But their lies will backfire. My daughter now barely talks to her father. And my son, forget it. I am sure he has to call his son if he wants to hear his voice. I get so angry when these stbx use the innocent children for their own agenda. But they will fail miserably. Sit back and watch the train wreck of his own making. Hugs and prayers my friend.

Yep.....my husband did it with my 16 year old.

The good news is, your daughter is older. She is in college and will be heavily influenced by educated people. This will work in your favor as she talks bout your family situation with peers. This will especially be true if she has to take any psychology classes.

Not to worry, just stay focused and balanced. I can tell you from experience, DO NOT talk about her father to her. Right or wrong, she will see it and understands more than you know. The less you say the better. As hard as it will be, you have to ACT like you are not upset and that nothing is wrong. She will come around faster this way.

Thanks you guys for sharing your stories with me. That does help quite a lot. I will definitely keep those things in mind.

Brainwashing - that's exactly what he's doing. It is so hard to watch that. Ugh. She doesn't know what he's doing. I worry so about that. That's the main reason why I want to get away from him. He can't do anything openly and honestly. She's going to learn that from him.

I have tried so very hard not to say anything bad about her dad. I certainly could but I haven't. I don't think he realizes that casual snide remarks about me can strongly influence how she sees me. Two weeks ago, he went to visit his mom and his sister and husband. They asked what I was doing. He told them I wasn't doing anything. Made it sound so bad. And nothing could be further from the truth. I have so much on my plate right now, I feel like I've never been busier. Thankfully, I had the chance to share this with him mom who actually said, "Well, why did he say you weren't doing anything?" Geez.

I only saw my daughter once a year for three years. She didn't return calls. Once a week I would leave a voice mail that said I love you. Call when you can. Then it was once a month and then every few months I would leave the same message over and over. She would call and tell me where to meet her for Thanksgiving. Finally three years into this she called one night and she was back.

Her father was working overseas at the time she rarely heard from her dad unless he wanted to use her to get to me. My daughter is firmly back in my life with little Zoe and baby Jackson.

Sorry, I'm using my phone and its giving me trouble. I was going to add that just be very patient and your daughter will be back. I don't think it will take her three years like it did my daughter.

(((goldengirl))) my two adult daughters estranged from me because of Parental Alienation, which is basically what you're talking about, when one parent tries to brainwash the kids into thinking badly of the other.

The purpose is not to take the child. The purpose is to hurt you as much as he can by taking the child.

So you can see that, as the others have pointed out, it's very important that you maintain the best relationship possible with your daughter. Be as you always are. Be loving, be the parent, do everything you would have if there were not a problem.

Above all, PsiChi is right. Do not badmouth her father to her, or in hearing distance of her. His true colours will eventually become very clear to her. When that happens, she needs to know that you're still there batting for her, and that she can come to you.

I agree that these kids who are treated like this are afraid. They're afraid of losing the not-so-present parent who appears to want them at last. Their lives have turned upside down and they don't know which way is up. They need stability which you can provide through being the one with the unconditional love who has the personal strength and integrity to maintain "love and compassion" despite whatever your ex throws at you.

I think it boils down to dealing with your daughter and ignoring the ex and what he's doing. Reacting to him in kind will make it worse and will make him feel good because he's getting to you. Just be polite to him and don't talk to him about how it makes you feel that your daughter wants to live with him for a while.

In my case, one daughter reconciled within 3 months but the other took 4 1/2 years. I just kept plugging away, sending contacts, sending gifts, saying I loved her occasionally and never mentioning the estrangement. They don't like you to show your sadness or to ask them why. Just go along with whatever they want to do, and be available to see them when they are willing.

I found that there would be an improvement every time I gave my eldest to God and got on with my own life. Worrying about her and constantly wondering what had happened didn't help. What did help was accepting that this was how it would be for a while, and allowing her some space.

One things' for sure. If you overreact, she'll pull away longer and harder. Love, compassion for her situation, respect for her need to do this, and the patience to wait till things change again, will work in the long run. The main thing is to stay in the picture.

love and hugs
kamary

I just re-read my post and it sounds like I'm saying your daughter is estranging from you. I'm sorry it reads that way. I don't think she is, but mine did, so I use that term a lot.

I think your daughter feels like spending some time with her dad.

However, I think he's trying to create a distance between you and your daughter by making the snide remarks. That waves a red flag for me.

It is a red flag. And she is definitely being brainwashed by him. When she started saying things yesterday like, "Dad is paying for EVERYTHING, do you want to know ALL he s paying for???" Like how could you do this to him. "You don't know how to do anything by yourself, even take care of the yard." Oh how I wanted to yell back and say, "Could it be because I stayed home with you for 19 years and the skills I had before you came along are no longer marketable? But, of course, I didn't. The things she said above are her dads words not hers. I realized after yesterday that these snide remarks have most likely been happening for quite some time and have very much influenced how she feels. She's kept them all to herself, probably for years. I think by doing this, he is hanging on to the only precious thing he has. He's about to lose quite a lot of money in permanent alimony to me. Maybe this is how he is seeking revenge. We set out to keep this separation/divorce as amicable as possible for her benefit. So far, we've done that, at least publicly. Behind the scenes, apparently, he's been weaving a different web.

My ex played the 'poor me' card with my girls, too. The fact is that you were married a long time, and when there is a divorce, a settlement is made according to the law. It looks as though you and your ex have agreed to the permanent alimony. If he didn't, the court has ruled this way anyway. And it is also legally up to him to provide for his daughter. Even if you were working, he would still have to pay up.

Although I did the bookwork and worked briefly in our business, my main role was wife and mother. We both agreed that it was better for our kids if I didn't work, so even when we had no money during the early years when our kids were born, I never got a permanent job because that's what we agreed on. When things were tough, I did do some part-time casual work. I suppose that you and your ex had the same deal. Sadly, my ex came to see the money earned in our business as his money. Money became so important to him that he became a workaholic and put work in front of the family he was supposedly earning the money for! When we divorced, our money was supposed to be divided equally, but he cheated on values of the business, the house and his car. Taking him to court would have meant I'd have to pay as much as I may possibly receive, and of course, there's always the risk that the judge would decide against me.

It was when I told him I'd take him to court over the values, that my ex got nasty. Arguing over the money seems to set most of the stbx's off, and most times, the kids become the weapons nearest to hand, and most likely to hit the hardest without actually killing us.

I think you're on the track that he's resenting having to pay out so much, and he's decided to use your daughter to hurt you.

I'd do what I've already suggested. Keep calm. don't give in to the temptation to give tit for tat. Keep mum. Talk to your friends, us here at ds and to your therapist. Keep in touch with your daughter and act as though everything is fine and normal. Understand that this is not your daughter's decision nor her thoughts about you. You already know he's been priming her with snide comments. Now it's up to you to show her you are a woman of strength and character, and you are her wonderful mother. (If you respond in kind to your ex's accusations, she will believe what he's saying, so you have to prove that you are not what he's saying.)

I know it sounds like a lot of demands. I'm sorry it seems that way. But this is what worked for me once I found out about Parental Alienation and how to deal with it.

The daughter who reconciled first, told me today that her father has shown his true colours, that he is rarely around (even though she has 3 beautiful grandsons for him), and he is being judgmental and uncaring when he is around. She hasn't been invited or told she'd be welcome at his house in twelve months, and wasn't asked there much before that. (We've been separated almost 6 years and divorced since Dec 2009). He promises to visit and doesn't turn up for weeks after the day he said he'd come, then gets up her for not being home on the day he deigns to turn up. The true ex will show himself eventually. She said the actual words to me today "Mum we want you in our lives."

My life motto since estrangement is "love and compassion and respect for all, including myself". The love and compassion part was recommended by a lady called Grace Humphreys who wrote an ebook on Parental Alienation called "Poison Parents".

You can beat him.

love and hugs
kamary

Someone mention Parental Alienation. Never even heard that term. But, I read up a little bit about it this morning. Wow, it's really a form of child abuse. Had no idea. So, aside from the suggestions above, which all great and thank you!, is there anything that can done legally to stop it? Some kind of restraining order? Or, some kind of required therapy? Without that, I can see it getting pretty out of hand. I really don't want her to go through more than she already has. She's a special needs kid. I'm sure she's still trying to process the separation..

As far as I know, there are no laws against it yet. Your best bet would be to find out from your lawyer or solicitor, and your therapist, and also maybe your daughter's doctor.

At this stage, I reckon it's better to wait it out. The trauma wouldn't be good for your daughter and it would be enough to tip herhis way if it went to court because you called it.

Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey. Just stay in your daughter's life in the same way you always have been. Keep it normal and don't react to what your ex is saying.

love and hugs
kamary

Think I will make another appt. with my therapist. I need some guidance here. Definitely want to do the right thing and nothing that will make what my daughter is going through any harder. Also will mention to my attorney. I think she'll want to know about this. Has anyone had an attorney get involved in a parental alienation situation? If so, what were they legally able to do or how did they help?

I agree. Great ideas, goldengirl. Go to the experts. Let us know how you get on, ok?

love and hugs
kamary