Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Some how I think staying friend with "mutual" friends can be done. It can't. You can't be loyal to two masters. Well not in the bible sense. I made a comment to a friend who is also friends with X. We talk on occasion but mostly me making connections. I realize that now. Anyway, asking her about valentines day and she said downtown and spent the night away from home. I blurted out... yes... where you with X? Arg! I knew they weren't with him and that he was with OW out of town. It just came out so nonchaulantly in conversation. I knew immediately after I said it how ridiculous it sounded. Its going on 5 years. She took it as I was inquiring...it got awkward. Well two days later she told X all about it. I'm sure they conversed and joked about it. He ended up calling me. I have him blocked on my phone but my D told me he left me a message. Said dad is all concerend about you. That I haven't moved on and wonders why we can't communicate. Seriously? where was his concern when he f'ed over over family for her in the middle of our D car accident? where was his concern while i was trying to put the pieces of our families lives back together? now he's concerned because he thinks i should be moved on. Just because I'm not dating anyone or haven't had a relationship since the D. I'm so worked up over this. I refuse to talk to him or adress this issue. I have since apologized to my so-called friend and that i meant nothing by it. She brushed it off as no big deal not to worry. I'm sure this gossip has been passed from his entire family all 4 sisters all starting drama that I did this. OMG... what have a done? All the progress and gains of the past 5 years gone like that. I'm so stupid. Help me out on this one guys. Am I supposed to have a communication with this man at some point? I don't owe him a thing! He's torn my life apart to many times to have him do it with one stupid question! Argh...
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
I do not believe that you have to have communication with your x. Unless you have to deal with things with the kids or finish finances, (which is the final time I talked to my x) there really is no need. My son actually prefers that we do are not friendly. If he was a decent person, I might feel differently but I have no need of him in my life so that is my choice.
As far as your situation. Don't beat yourself up for another minute. You have already realized that it was a slip up so mark it up to another learning experience and one to not repeat. As far as moving on, that is up to you. Don't let his remark get to you either. Moving on doesn't always mean another relationship anyway. I'm sure you're doing fine in moving on. There is no need for you to address anything else with your x.
But I totally understand why you're frustrated with yourself. We've all done it. You will be fine and it's up to you when and if you ever decide to speak to your x.
Big hugs.
I am sure my ex says the same about
Me. I am not dating and i am still struggling.
I have not seen my ex in 7 months, i have
Nothing to hide and live out of town. My
Life is an open book. I do not advertise
Just nothing to hide.
He is still in hiding like he was before with
His gf. Pretty much hush hush unless they
are not Together anymore. I do not have any
contact with his family their lips are sealed.
If we do not date we are stuck on them, we
Are healing And growing In spite of them
Not stuck.
Some people you can not trust to not cause
Trouble. They like to stir the pot.
I still talk to friends or people i know they all
Want to know if i am alright. See how i am
Healing. The only ones that think i should
Be dating already are men, that will fix all
the problems a new relationship:) i cant
Even imagine it yet.
(((((( hugs)))))
That lady is not your friend, I'm so sorry. She showed no compassion or understanding for you, and she went directly to your ex. She's not to be trusted, and that's where the problem lies. It's not what you said. She should have known better than to go sprouting it to the ex.
The only thing you've done is you didn't understand that she is not to be trusted. IMO, you haven't gone backwards or undone 5 long years of hard work. Every now and then, people show us who they are, and by golly, we better take notice when they do.
There is no time limit on when you will date again or even if you ever will. After what I've been through, I am definitely not in any hurry to rush into the chance of a repeat performance, and it's 8 years for me in a few months time.
You don't have to have communication with him, and you don't owe him anything. He's done so many things that showed you he's not to be trusted and will create a drama at the drop of a hat. I would ignore his attempt to stir up trouble, and just get on with things as normal in your own life. Don't talk about it to anyone. Let it die a natural death.
Forgive yourself and chalk it up to experience, a lesson learned about other people's characters and trustworthiness.
love and hugs
kamary
As to your ex, why waste the time and effort? If he's worried, let him worry, if he's trying to manipulate, annoy, prod, or gloat, leave him to it on his own. Tell your daughter "Thanks, but I'm OK and not interested in whether Dad's concerned or not." Get on with getting on.
You haven't lost anything. If you feel you've made a mistake, learn from it, and put it behind you. Sounds like it was a bigger trigger for you emotionally than an actual mistake. You'll get through this, and in better time. You've learned a lot in 5 years, it won't take long to get your feet under you again. Deep breath, long walk, good night's sleep, and you'll move on. Big hug!!
I don't want to communicate with him at this time. I have that choice. My kids are adults and there's no reason to put me in that position. I'm ok without him all this time. I have moved on in my own way and I'm ok with that. I don't want or need his pity and if any thing I have only inflated his ego with my inquiries. He's gonna need a bigger house to get around because he's so full of himself.
I'm getting on with getting on! Thanks so much!
love and hugs
kamary
As for the ex, well, it's all about ego. don't give him the satisfaction. glad to see you are letting it go. The only thing that matters is your healing.
As for your ex? If your children are adults there is no reason you need to have any contact with him, like ever. I haven't spoken or texted mine since we got divorced a little more than two years ago. We had some incidental email exchanges early after the divorce to tie up some loose ends and 1 or two emails with regards to the kids but I've even stopped doing that.
The way I figure it, my children are adults so they need to navigate their relationship with their dad without mom. No contact in my humble opinion is the best way to go. It makes it so much easier to heal and get away from that craziness. Sometimes we backslide but you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.
IMHO when that chapter of your life closes, it's best to shut all parts of it down; whether it be mutual friends or ex-in-laws.
You are doing great Lisa! Its good to see you are able to pick yourself up...brush off the dust and get on with your life. Remember...these are your emotions not theirs...its very likely this was brought up as a moment of conversation at coffee and then forgotten...never to be mentioned again.
As far as your ex is concerned...who cares! Remember...he is the one who wanted this...he is in a different place emotionally...there is probably a small part of him that enjoys your pain...but mostly...he's not giving this much thought. My guess is...his phone call was more about him than you...if he could enlist you as his friend...that would be a huge que for him...that would make everything he did ok!
I think what upset me the most with my ex was the involvement with the kids...whether they are adults or not...its none of there business. Maybe its time to kindly and gently incorporate this need into conversations with your kids. Big Hugs Lisa and keep up the good work....Kathy