Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Thank goodness I found this group.
In short, I am a SAHM (age 48), 2 kids ages 13 & 10. After 14 years of a very turbulent marriage, we too are calling it quits.
Of course this is not what I want. But maybe I do? The fights, the agony of not feeling as though I can be "myself" around him and so on. He is a good person and good dad, but we are not good together.
That said, I am SCARED. I know I have to see an attorney which I will next week. I am not working and haven't worked FT for 12 years. I am overwhelmed. I know I need to find a job but also know I qualify for some alimony until I get my feet on the ground.
This will be his 2nd marriage. This is my first. He seems SO calm and chipper. After our last fight a few days ago, he took his ring off and threw it at me and declared, "I'm done!" Of course it disturbs me that he goes to work without it on. I also suspect he has an interest/crush on another (for some time now). Heck, he has not shown any physical interest in me in so long that I cannot remember (last year?). Call it women's intuition but at this point, I should just not even think about it.
Our kids go to away camp next week and that is when I will see an attorney. I think he already has or will do so as well.
I am terrified for my children. I know all of the tools/programs out there to help me and them. He didn't even leave yet, but I am barely able to hold it together. I cannot eat or sleep. He gets up each morning, works out and seems just so, well, unaffected. Perhaps relieved. I don't know.
Anyway, I am grateful that I found this site and it will be very helpful to get on here and not feel alone.
Have a wonderful day, all.
In short, I am a SAHM (age 48), 2 kids ages 13 & 10. After 14 years of a very turbulent marriage, we too are calling it quits.
Of course this is not what I want. But maybe I do? The fights, the agony of not feeling as though I can be "myself" around him and so on. He is a good person and good dad, but we are not good together.
That said, I am SCARED. I know I have to see an attorney which I will next week. I am not working and haven't worked FT for 12 years. I am overwhelmed. I know I need to find a job but also know I qualify for some alimony until I get my feet on the ground.
This will be his 2nd marriage. This is my first. He seems SO calm and chipper. After our last fight a few days ago, he took his ring off and threw it at me and declared, "I'm done!" Of course it disturbs me that he goes to work without it on. I also suspect he has an interest/crush on another (for some time now). Heck, he has not shown any physical interest in me in so long that I cannot remember (last year?). Call it women's intuition but at this point, I should just not even think about it.
Our kids go to away camp next week and that is when I will see an attorney. I think he already has or will do so as well.
I am terrified for my children. I know all of the tools/programs out there to help me and them. He didn't even leave yet, but I am barely able to hold it together. I cannot eat or sleep. He gets up each morning, works out and seems just so, well, unaffected. Perhaps relieved. I don't know.
Anyway, I am grateful that I found this site and it will be very helpful to get on here and not feel alone.
Have a wonderful day, all.
My kids too were away at camp the summer my life changed. My suggestion to you is to get to a lawyer fast, draw up a separation agreement and do whatever it takes to get it signed now.
The longer you wait the more disagreements will happen.
The journaling here is very helpful too, you can make it public or private and access it from a computer or your phone. I spent many a night crying and writing in my journal
Just remember to breathe and take it one day , one hour, on minute at a time.
We are here for you
PS: Has anyone sought counseling during this time? I thought I would look into it.
HUGSSS
SO
You're young yet and can bounce back. Keep your cool and don't engage in the craziness. Good luck!
Yes, retain a legal advisor, learn everything you can about where you stand legally, and then let him off the leash. Get details of all your finances, make copies of statements for yourself. Your stbx has the advantage that he knew this was coming and has probably been planning it for some time, considering the way he's been treating you, so be aware of what's going on with any bank accounts and investments. I don't know your husband, but many of these runaway husbands seem to be good while they're quietly digging the sand out from under you. Mine tried and was pretty successful because my health situation wasn't wonderful, I didn't have the experience he has in the business world, and I didn't expect him to cheat on the finances.
I saw a counsellor at first, and later a psychologist. I couldn't have made it without them, this site, my gp, and a few books that I still refer to.
Allow yourself to grieve when you can, and take care of yourself. Eat properly, drink a lot of water, go for walks (especially barefoot ones on the grass), and see your friends and family. You will get through this and find a better place on the other side.
love and hugs
kamary
After quite the week (I've not slept/eaten), he came home today and told me (not in a loving or nice way) that "we have too much to lose" or something to that effect. Translation: He knows he will lose in a big way (alimony, the house, etc.). After an awkward discussion, I simply told him that I don't know what lies ahead and that we shall see.
Meanwhile, I've lined up appointments with an attorney, a therapist and have a potential interview.
I saw a counselor a few years ago (without him; this was after he hit me and went to jail) who told me, "This marriage will not work. You need to plan and plan now. It may take a year or so but this marriage is toxic and you need to plan now."
She never saw my husband and she shared much of her own life so I no longer saw her after a few more sessions. But her words stuck with me. Plan.
And that is what I'm going to to do. I cannot imagine this will ever change, My girls will see this marriage as "normal" and that is the last thing I want. To boot, my husband will never change. And neither will I. As terrified as I am of what is to come, I do not want to live my life with someone who belittles me. Not to mention we are not and never have been friends. He does not even know what that means (friendship).
He may have a notion that I am seeking council (again) but whatever. I can NOT stay in this and this time, I WILL plan. There are NO relatives to stay with. Honestly. My parents are out of the question (they have their own toxicity). Others are too far. It's just me and some very sweet friends.
Let this be a reminder to anyone out there living in a marriage that is very unhealthy (there is no domestic violence going on here - just to be clear; I did experience a one-time incident and in my state, the law states that men who abuse women go to jail). I called the police out of anger more than fear. I don't regret it really, but to see this man who everyone thinks is such a stand-up person in cuffs was a lot to take in). That said, never, ever let a man get away with hitting, kicking or physically abuse you in any way). Same goes for men. No one should hit one another, period.
So now the planning begins. Mark my words: This man need not be in my life. I need not be in his. We share children, and that's enough. We need to get away from one another. This is not healthy.
So I plan to seek council, therapy and moreover, a job. I will stash money away where he cannot touch. I will hopefully find a good job with benefits. I will learn more about either staying in this home or selling it. I will glean as much knowledge as I can while living with this man somewhat amicably. He came home tonight realizing I am not that naive to not take care of myself and my children. He may very well have sought his own council. Who knows. He is vain enough to worry about what others think that he would have another divorce under his belt with yet another alimony and/or child support. At this rate, what he thinks matters little. I care about my children and myself too much to live this way. I will be ok alone. If another man comes along, well, that would be a bonus.
Again - to ANYONE out there in my shoes (or similar): PREPARE. I thought I would have to move fast on this and it turns out I do not - for now. Get my ducks in a row and move on said plan. If I had close relatives, etc., I would not be doing this. I have nowhere to go and no job. I have the advantage to PLAN. It may be a few months to one year. But after 14 years of hell, I know that history repeats itself. HE got scared when he realized (after a few days) that whoa....I CAN take him to the cleaners and he would have to make all sorts of sacrifices. Maybe he's playing a game too and planning as well. Does not matter. I will do what I have to do for my girls and I.
May everyone have a glorious and peaceful weekend. I cannot thank you enough for so much support and kindness shared.
xo
being a parent means raising them to become adults,
so don't "protect them" from what their father has chosen to be
take care of yourself
get the attorney
get counseling and anything else you need
get same for the kids, they may not want to go - go once the three of you & try to get tgem to go solo - it is ok if they don't
thier father, your husband has chosen to poison the well
your kids don't to know how much of a monster he is
but
you'd better see that
Thank you for that. I have arranged both. Counselor will see me and she also specializes in children. I will go to DivorceCare at my church. My clergy called me back today to help. I will be OK and moreover, my kids.
I was given an unexpected gift today: Time. He thought through it and cowered. Whatever. It buys me time.
regardless, i hope the best for your children and you
This plan you mention, well....you're going to continue to live with him while planning the end? That does not seem healthy OR safe to me. You can't trust him and he likely won't trust you so.......it's OVER already. You should part ways if possible. It is just too stressful to continue to live together while planning the end of the marriage!
Perhaps he is having some second thoughts and feeling shame at ending or failing at a second marriage. . Just remember that these feelings and behaviours are HIS and not yours! You need to do what is best for you and your kids, as you state.
Welcome to our forum - we are a supportive group of folks who were in lengthy marriage and we have collectively seen it all!!! Please get some professional help, especially from a therapist that you can trust. I'm afraid that you're in a very bad situation and want to make sure that you are safe first and foremost!
Hugs of support go out to you! ((()))
I had no plan except to run. Actually, after another 911 call, the police didn't give me any choice. They drove me to a women's shelter.
I had no plan, no money, no attorney, no place to go. I didn't know my rights and was too frightened to find out.
Slynn....you are awesome! Planning ahead is exactly right. Becoming knowledgeable, learning about the legal system, educating yourself as to your rights is the smart way to protect yourself in a divorce.
The kids know something's wrong. But the way they are living is normal to them.
Don't take too much time planning. Your kids need to get out as soon as possible. This has already left a mark on them that will last the rest of their lives. Weeks turn into months and children grow up.
Be sure and get therapy for both you and your children
Hugs,
Donna