I had originally written this as a response to a post by another DS member but dairytech advised me to start a new topic so more people would read this. Thank you dairytech and everyone else who already responded and encouraged me. It definitely helped me today.

My husband of 38 years ended our marriage over the phone (I was blindsided as I thought we were both happy). He swears it's not another woman and blames me for the whole breakup. He told me the only thing he did wrong was not leave me a long time ago. I truly thought he loved me so much and that our issues were normal as in any other marriage. I am in the most heartbreaking grief and pain - I stayed in bed for almost 3 months and it has been only 3 1/2 months ago since this happened. I lost 20 pounds and didn't want to as I am already a normal weight. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and dreamt twice already that we get back together. I feel like a zombie who is just trying to get through an endless day - after day after day.....I am living with my adult daughter and her family until the spring when I get myself together and move into my own place. I finally went back to work but every day is a torture for me and I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety (I'm on a lot of meds but nothing seems to get rid of the shaking and knots in my stomach).

What I am concerned about is being 57 and "alone" for the first time in my life. I love him so much even after he has done this to me. You wrote that after years you still feel heartache and so have many of the other DS friends. I don't think I can do the hard work of healing and becoming independent for that long. All I wish for is to die from an accident or illness because I can't hurt myself because it would cause my children to suffer. My 3 adult children love their dad and don't want to talk about this at all. He was a great dad but I wish they would understand how very hard this is for me. I have to pretend that I am doing well because if I don't they become upset. The daughter I am living with is due with twins in about 6 weeks and also has a 3 1/2 year old boy. I don't want to cause her more stress so I keep my pain to myself. Some of the people on this forum seem so sad and lonely that I dread the future. My therapist tells me it will get better. I am terrified and dread the single life and think that I will never be happy or have any joy again. I just would like to hear from someone that it really gets better and that this pain will stop. Does anyone who was married so long actually like their lives better single? I was not abused, he wasn't an alcoholic, etc. but the one issue was that he was not affectionate outwardly and that bothered me for such a long time but I wanted to stay married because he did show me he loved me in other ways by doing a lot for me. He said I never appreciated him and that I took away his self-esteem by nagging him to change. I did nag because I seeked physical affection so very much and felt so rejected. This has shattered my world and can't believe I was rejected. I am so sorry for going on so long but I can hardly take this anymore and I have been reading the posts for months now and thought I would finally share my story. I also dread the holidays and wish it were Jan. 2. I hope everyone has some peace and relief throughout this time. Thank you. Donna