I am so so sorry for all you are having to endure.
Sometimes it is not day by day but moment by moment, breath by breath and then finally one day you will notice some how things are slowly but surely improving. It took two long years for our divorce, there were times i thought id surely die but i have made it and i think you will to.

((tight hugs))

Im only a couple of months ahead of you on this train wreck ride. went barefoot all summer hoping to get stung be a bee and go into shock, didn't wear a seat belt either, pasiive aggressive suicicde i think is the term,
ANYWAY you will wake up, things will still be kablooey but you'll see it wasn't you, you'll accept that but smay soon back slide, this is the cycke that i am on
bottom line is, if someone depseratley need someone to trust, could they trust you? i'll bet yes then trust yourself let getting better happen on it's own timetable (so much easier to say that then to hear it)
hang in there.

From the words you use to describe your heartache, I can see that you are clearly depressed as would be normal in this situation. In saying that, you have also really thought through many scenarios for the future and have done some major soul searching. These things in itself are tiny steps forward on the new road you are travelling.

As to Suicide, I am very pleased that you have recognised that you would very much hurt your children, family and friends. It would cause them major depression and could very well ruin their lives. You are obviously a wonderful and caring mother. You are now embarking on the hardest time for yourself and I know you will try and give the greatest lesson to your children by the way you deal with this. Suicide is NEVER the answer.

Most of us here eventually find that there IS a reason for them leaving. He may have a secret and all secrets and lies eventually rise to the surface. However nothing is going to change the situation.

Be kind to yourself - Rome wasn't built in a day.

Never before the day my wife reviled her wishes to end the marriage had I really understood or appreciated that little phrase in the wedding vows…two become one. And that happens, doesn't it. Two souls mesh over time and we become half of something bigger than just who we are individually.

Now that has changed and you feel lost. As if a limb has been cut off in a tragic accident. You experience “phantom pain” as if the limb is still there, but it’s not. So the question becomes…now what?

For the last 40 years you have been a committee of two and now you’re a committee of one. Start with the small victories. Before you had to agree ( in principle)on almost every decision. From movies to see, pizza toppings, where to vacation, on and on. Now you can make decisions based on your desire alone. If you want to go to bed early, sleep late, have dinner at 8:00 pm, have fried chicken for breakfast…do it.

Early on after all this started for me people would say, oh… It will get better with time…and I just wanted to throw a shoe at those people. I know that doesn’t help so I won’t offer that advice. What I will offer is; stay busy, be good to yourself, don’t self medicate, and pray. Before you know it you too will see the dawn.

Sciteacher I am so sorry for what your going through, I too was blind sided. We had a trip to Europe coming up, had just renovated our retirement home and had what I thought was a great life.

One night he came home from work and said he was leaving g, he no longer wanted to be a dad or father. He packed his bags and left the same day.

I had never felt such pain in my life, heart broken does not describe the pain I felt. I really wanted to die, I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up. I knew I couldn't take my life for the same reasons you say but I also had horrible thoughts of just driving off a cliff.

I lost 30 pounds very quickly and spent 4 months just going through the motions . My parents moved in and I didn't even notice. I thought I was holding it together but didn't realize I was a zombie. My mother fed the kids bought groceries etc

Slowly over time I began to live again, I only cried two hours a day instead if 6.

It was in all honesty about 18 months before I would say I was back to normal or at least my new normal.

But each week was a bit better, it was an emotional roller coaster some days and weeks better than others. But slowly the pain and despair faded.

It's now been 28 months and I am doing great . My biggest struggle these days is trying to convince myself to get out and socialize. I have become a homebody and would rather sit and read a book than out myself out there to be hurt again

You will get through this, everyone journeys is different.

(()(hugs))))

The first time my ex left and divorced I was completely broken. I was in total shock for at least 6 months. I dont really remember much of those days. I do remember planning an active Christmas...I had just about every spare minute filled...he and been gone 7 months by then. I sailed through the holidays. Then New Years Day came...I completely forgot to plan for this...I reached depths of depression I had never visited before...thoughts of suicide and the pills to do it were right there on the counter. I really could not take the pain and helplessness any longer...I felt abandoned, abused and thrown away like yesterdays newspaper...I felt no hope or desire...just worthless.

I was sitting on my back porch...the sun was shinning and I was looking out over the fields thinking...today is the day to make this decision because I just cant live this way...I said...Kathy...YOU have a choice...YOU can either pick YOURSELF up by the boot straps and make the best of this....or...YOU can put an end to YOUR misery and carry out YOUR plan...Its time for YOU to choose...what do YOU want to do...I pondered this for a moment asking myself...what do I want to do...I repeated that statement...what do I want to do...then it hit me...this whole conversation was about...I...ME...YOU...I thought wait a minute...these choice of words say I'm actually the one in control here..not him...not my hurt, sadness or depression...its ME. It was a light bulb moment. So...I pulled myself up by the boot straps and decided there was no way in hell I would let him take charge of my choices anymore...I realized it was me allowing him to...even though he was no longer here. I thought...F$$K THIS...I will succeed in spit of him...and I did...in many different ways.

The thing I had to remind myself of while in the early stages...with a lot of help from the folks here...my life really hadnt changed all that much living on my own. I still did all the same thing I did when he was with me. The only difference was...he didnt walk in the door anymore. No more...where is he...what is he doing...who is he with...is he driving my truck drunk...bla bla bla...it goes on forever. But what is the best is...no more emotional abuse...no more verbal assaults...no more gas lighting...I now can live in peace.

Having said all of that...I still had my obstacles...it was not a cake walk. Divorce and suddenly living on my own for the 1st time in my life was hard...I still missed that other person...that someone to come home to...that someone to talk with about my day...even though it was imaginary because he never did anyway. I still had my good days and bad days...I still missed that man he used to be. What I had to do is...treat my missing him like withdrawals from an addiction...like trying to quite smoking...at first its minute by minute...then day by day...then week by week...then month by month...etc. Now 41/2 years later...I am over the emotional withdrawals...I have the memories but not the pain...I am a successful quitter.

Life does get better. Is it better than the old life? Hell yes! Is it better than that imaginary fairy-tale life I had planed for myself..ya know that growing old together...playing with grandchildren together..etc...hell no...chances are really good that it wouldnt have happened the way I imagined anyway...but the reality is...I now can have the life I choose...my fairy-tail life can truly come true now...I just had to adjust a few things. Life is different but equally as good only in a different way.

Donna...your going to be ok. You will get through this. You have no choice. However...you can choose how you do it. Dig deep down and find that strength we all had to dig for and live a great life in spite of him..he's an idiot for underestimating who you are and what you are about...his loss...YOU CAN DO THIS...Big Hugs...Kathy

Oh my! You are all wonderful in this group! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your support and encouragement. This is the hardest thing I ever did and I hate it so much. But Kathy you are so right. I do not have a choice but to go on. I am just so afraid I will spend the rest of my life afraid and lonely. I miss having a husband as it was my identity for so long. I also feel embarrassed that I am divorced. I know that may sound old-fashioned and I know so many women are divorced but I always felt sorry for them. Little did I know I would join the same club one day. I will continue to post and hopefully receive and give support as well. It does make it easier when you realize others are going through the same thing. The only thing is, since it only happened a few months ago for me, that the time needed to get over this is soooo long and I wish there was a quicker way to do this. I hate to wish my life away when I am not a spring chicken anymore! BIG HUGS to everyone who needs one now!

Sending you hugs Donna..... HANG in there!!!

I was also blindsided after 41 yrs of marriage. Day after mothers day ofthis yr i accidently (or on purpose) got a txt meant for his mistress. He never cheated before this. I also am living with my youngest daughter and her husband until i save enough moneyfor a few months rent. I literaly have to furnish the whole apartment.

Both y primary care dr ad the psychiatrist he referred me to said I have situational depression related to the cheating and separation. I dont have to see the psychiatrist but she recommended seeing a counselor so I can talk things out and be guided through the different phases.

I am 63 yrs old and you will also be able to do it. Its a process but we wil all make it.

For those who are age conscious: Don't forget, the ex too for sure is NO SPRING CHICKEN.

Sciteacher, I was the one who decided to leave a one-sided unhappy marriage. My ex cheated in the late 80s and I chose to stay. Big mistake, but I hoped and trusted it would be ok. It wasn't and when I left, unbeknown to me, he already had an ow.

I went through much the same things as everyone who's been left because I left him because I felt as though he'd already left me - if you can understand that. It's very confusing and no one was more confused than I was.

Then he tried to make my girls cut me out of their lives by lying about me. And that's when I, like Kathy, thought about how it might feel not to be here any more. Lucky for me, the husband of a very close friend came to see me and asked me to see a counsellor. I'm so glad I did. It's been a hard road and I've made it through. I am quite content as a single woman, though there are times I'd like a companion. My girls are back in my life as is my son who has never changed towards me. I have three grandchildren who make my heart sing, too. I'm not ready for a new relationship and not sure if I ever will trust someone again, but I haven't ruled it out.

As Kathy says, dig deep and find your strength. Don't let your ex win. Start by seeing the things around you that are beautiful. Count your blessings every day. Breathe. Exercise. Take care of you. That's how I started the long climb out of the well. You can do it. It would be great if we could wake up new and revitalised and the worst part all over, but it's going through those worst parts that will make you who you really are, so embrace the hard times, work through them, and don't push them down. If you face it and do the crying, being honest, you'll get there more quickly.

love and hugs
kamary

I feel your pain, but it does get better. I, too, was completely blindsided. I truly thought my husband and I were in happy, stable marriage (25 years). He had always been a devoted husband and father. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I ever think that my ex would get involved with a woman from his past (college sweetheart) and leave our marriage/family. Even four and a half years later, it's still hard to believe this has happened. The intense emotional roller coaster has subsided. I don't feel much anger any more, but I do still feel a lot of sadness for the loss of the life we had together. I have a good life now, but I am definitely not to the point of saying that my life is better after divorce. I'm not convinced I will ever truly feel that way. I am making the best/most of my new life as a single woman, but it certainly is not my preference.

Sciteacher,

I can honestly say that you will find happiness and contentment again. Right now you are in shock--as many of us were when this life-changing event happened. This is the time when you need to keep people around you for comfort and STAY BUSY. I know that seems difficult, but each day you move forward, you will begin to feel better.

I will certainly not say that this healing is easy--it's not. I have been divorced almost five years and separated from ex a year before that, but in these six years, I've learned a lot about myself, especially how strong and resilient a person can be. You can get there too!

Your therapist is right. Now go get a good attorney who will take care of you financially.

Keep talking to us here. We will walk the journey with you.

Big healing hugs!!!

There is not much I can add but hugs. My sweet, innocent ex blames me for all his troubles, even now after 6 yrs. I just go about my own merry ways. You need to look after yourself. Smile and be happy when you see him around. Just smile slowly turned around and walk away, holding head up. Just cry when you are alone. Our best revenge is being happy and contend with our new life. I ran into him and his mommy a couple of times. Boy he looked horrible. I did just that. Smiled, turned around and walked away. I had to hold onto a wall, because I started laughing. That what a guilty conscience does to you. Makes you look older than your years. Me on the other hand, even though I put on some weight, look younger and have more energy than ever. Hugs, my friend. There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, run for it.

Yes, tobywinn the ex for sure is no spring chicken, but they sure as hell think they are and with the help of the little blue thing they actually believe it.