Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi Everyone,
I've been dealing with my husband's betrayl of our 24 year relationship for the last 13 months and have gone through 4 of the 5 stages of grief. I am now in the final phase of my journey. Anger. I'm so angry. So very, very angry. I'm freaking pissed off. Why does he get to blow up my life, our life, our kid's life and act like he did nothing? I'm angry I wasted half my life with this man and he walks out on our family to be with our best friend's wife because he's tired of "just good enough." I'm so mad that I want to punch something. (I'm not a violent person) My throat has closed up and I can barely swallow. I gave this man everything. Everything. I trusted this man with my life. We discussed and made decisions together. We were involved with our children and their school events and sports teams. We were philanthropic in our community. We didn't have massive fights. We don't have any horrible issues like what some of the other people on this site are dealing with. We looked like the perfect family. I thought we were the perfect family. Then everything changed a couple of years ago. I came back from a trip and he had checked out. Distant, started treating me like I didn't exist. Created situations where he would say one thing and do another causing me to get upset to make me "the villain". Lost weight, changed his hair etc. He doesn't deserve a woman who is honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind, strong, independent, caring, great mother, thoughtful, respectful, doesn't do drugs or gamble, not an alcoholic, no medical or mental issues and someone who never, never spoke poorly about him to anyone (not even to my parents). It's one of the reasons everyone is so shocked. Not saying I don't have my faults but, I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses and would always be open to working on anything. I did everything I could to save this marriage but he wants her. Those attributes are only "good enough". Now he's with her. A woman who called me best friend for 5 years. Apparantly, he wants someone that is complicit to lie and cheat on her husband. Someone who doesn't care if she breaks up the marriage and family of her best friend. That's what he finds good enough. Gross. I don't want him back. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation. I'm at the point of good riddance but I'm just still really, really angry. Angry that he would have so little respect for me and our kids. Angry that he's abandoned our family in all respects except financially. That I will give him credit for. He has continued to maintain our standard of living so I don't have to seek employment or stress about money. For that I am very thankful. Angry, he sees the kids for about an hour a week to go to dinner. He was everything to them. Angry that he has had them overnight once, ONCE and for one night in the last 13 months. Yet he tells them that they are the most important thing in his life. Angry that he doesn't even feel bad about what he has done to me or our family. Angry that he won't even admit to the affair. I'm just really, really angry and I don't like feeling like this. I actually prefer the crying. Atleast something was coming out. I know this is normal and all part of the grieving process but, I feel like I'm a bottle of soda that had a mentos dropped in it but then cap was put back on so the eruption is trapped inside the bottle. Any advice on how to work through this anger? Thanks for listening. Hope you all are doing well.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
The phases if grief are tricky..because you are at the angry stage does not mean you are near the end of grief...its a merri-go-round...they repeat. I personally lost count of how many times I went round and round with the different stages of grief. Just know...everyone heals at different speeds...it took me almost 6 years but I am slower than most.
As far as he is concerned...he read the cheaters handbook.. this is the book every cheater reads to exit a long term relationship..his actions are predictable and repetitive. His head is so far up his butt he blinks through is belly button. Hear this...you can not reason with this man...he does not hear you. He exited the relationship emotionally some time ago. He will twist truths and make you out to be the bad person...its all in the handbook. That is called..gas lighting..something they all do. What you need to do is tend to yourself and your children. See an attorney..Get everything you need in writing because it wont be long before his co-operation changes. You have to act now while he is still feeling guilty. Then get yourself into some counseling to take care of your emotional self. These are 2 very important steps...you must push yourself to do. This will protect you and your childrens future.
In the meantime..come here and vent often. This place was my lifeline when I was going through it. Please take care of yourself...Big Hugs...Kathy
Yes, turning everything back on me in his response. Actually said to me when he first left, "I"m happy with who I am. I'm a catch" It was all I could do not to laugh in his face. Thank you, thank you! Your post was awesome!
a) cheaters that lack something, like a soul, a conscience, belief that other people count as much as they do. it is pointless to express it, as they just won't get it, they can't
b-1) cheaters that are human with feet of clay, that realize the hurt their choices inflicted, if you express it to them, what does it get you? most often a shrug because most often they've "moved on" and forgiven themselves,
b-2) some are willing to understand the depth & breadth of hurt that their betrayal inflicted - maybe that leads to re-conciliation or some type of letting the betrayed move on
c) cheaters that have a soul & conscience, that they suppress and lie to themselves about, if you express it to them, they deny it to themselves and attack you for getting close to the bone
50% C
40% A
7% b-1
3% b-2
i have teenagers, their mother doesn't give them any trust...what a laugh,
i've never pointed that out to my kids
they see it on their own
they keep it to themselves
they've learned it's best to not mess with momma's self denial
Feel free to reach out to me anytime. So here is the thing. I am finally at a place where I can see he must be really messed up. And I didn't obviously really know him. I don't want that in my life.