Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Okay, I'm freaking out. I'm trying to stay calm but I'm shaking right now.
Yesterday my ex (since Mar 25) emailed me and asked to rearrange childcare for father's day weekend because he is going to Hawaii (that is where we are from and where his family lives). I didn't think anything of it at the time except how depressing because I know he is taking his girlfriend who he now lives with. He didn't say so but I know him and I know he's probably dying to take her over there and show her around. Anyway, it suddenly hit me a little while ago that they are probably going to get married over there. Don't ask me how I know, but I just have this feeling and so far everything I've predicted about his relationship with her has happened. I know my ex and in his eyes we've been over since we separated a year and a half ago and they have been together since. OMG! I'm freaking out!!!!!!! I know there's nothing I can do, I know it's inevitable, I know I should be at a place where it doesn't affect me so much but it does! I know I'm still in denial and I still hold out hope that one day we will be together again even after everything that has happened. I know it's not healthy for me and it's crippling my life but I can't help it. I just can't get to a point of true acceptance. I am on meds, I see a psychiatrist and a therapist and I even see a family therapist every other week. I journal and I've read so many self-help books on divorce, moving on, taking charge of my life and finding happiness that I could fill a bookstore. There are times when I feel like I just might make it but most of the time I just want to lay down and die. I am barely functioning and my kids are the only reason I am still here. I haven't been able to be the strong mom for them that they needed through this so they have suffered too. My whole life fell apart the day he walked out. I've lost so much weight I went from a size 13 to a size 2 even during my pregnancy. I feel like I'm dying a slow death on the outside and if it weren't for the pain I would think I was already dead on the inside. Thinking he might get married is too much! I have an obsessive personality and that has made this whole thing so much worse. I can't bare the thought of him marrying her. I know it shouldn't be any of my business but I emailed him to ask him if he was because I know if I don't know for sure I will drive myself crazy for the next month. He hasn't replied. Sometimes I think I'm already crazy.
Yesterday my ex (since Mar 25) emailed me and asked to rearrange childcare for father's day weekend because he is going to Hawaii (that is where we are from and where his family lives). I didn't think anything of it at the time except how depressing because I know he is taking his girlfriend who he now lives with. He didn't say so but I know him and I know he's probably dying to take her over there and show her around. Anyway, it suddenly hit me a little while ago that they are probably going to get married over there. Don't ask me how I know, but I just have this feeling and so far everything I've predicted about his relationship with her has happened. I know my ex and in his eyes we've been over since we separated a year and a half ago and they have been together since. OMG! I'm freaking out!!!!!!! I know there's nothing I can do, I know it's inevitable, I know I should be at a place where it doesn't affect me so much but it does! I know I'm still in denial and I still hold out hope that one day we will be together again even after everything that has happened. I know it's not healthy for me and it's crippling my life but I can't help it. I just can't get to a point of true acceptance. I am on meds, I see a psychiatrist and a therapist and I even see a family therapist every other week. I journal and I've read so many self-help books on divorce, moving on, taking charge of my life and finding happiness that I could fill a bookstore. There are times when I feel like I just might make it but most of the time I just want to lay down and die. I am barely functioning and my kids are the only reason I am still here. I haven't been able to be the strong mom for them that they needed through this so they have suffered too. My whole life fell apart the day he walked out. I've lost so much weight I went from a size 13 to a size 2 even during my pregnancy. I feel like I'm dying a slow death on the outside and if it weren't for the pain I would think I was already dead on the inside. Thinking he might get married is too much! I have an obsessive personality and that has made this whole thing so much worse. I can't bare the thought of him marrying her. I know it shouldn't be any of my business but I emailed him to ask him if he was because I know if I don't know for sure I will drive myself crazy for the next month. He hasn't replied. Sometimes I think I'm already crazy.
between holding a hand and sharing a life
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security
and loneliness is universal.
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your hope on today
as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight
because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans
yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path
toward the promise of a brighter dawn.
And you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that love, true love
always has joys and sorrows
seems ever present, yet is never quite the same
becoming more than love and less than love
so difficult to define.
And you learn that through it all
you really can ENDURE
that you really are STRONG
that you do have VALUE
and you learn and GROW
with every goodbye.....
YOU LEARN"
(Joy Whitman)
It doesn't help that I am currently single and alone.
But I will persevere and so will you if you put your mind to it. Sld1 is right (she is so wise!). The marriage will force you to move on because you will know he is unavaliable. Perhaps it's the push you need to get to acceptance.
But I know it's tough and I'm sending you a big hug.