Fatallove, I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. I truly wish I could do or say something to make it all dissappear. I am at a loss for words here.

You seem to be doing all the right things to move forward, yet you are having such a hard time letting him go completely. Acceptance is the key hon. No amount of therapy or meds will help you if you don't accept in your heart and your head that he is never coming back.

My thoughts and support are with you. I pray that you find the strength you need to get through all of this. Hugs sweetie. Please try to stay strong and keep moving forward.

You should almost hope he is getting married because it will finally give you reason to move on. He will cheat on her or she will cheat on him. It's inevitable. I'm a believer of once a cheater always a cheater.

Do you really want to worry every time he's late for the rest of your life? Can you picture a peaceful life like that?

We married men that never gave us the respect we deserved. They gave us the risk of terrible diseases. I choose to never deal with that again. She or they can have him.

Hugs my friend.

Have you considering counseling to help you move on? Realizing you are being disrespected and mistreated is helpful too.

Rearranging childcare for Father Day? Another loser!! Grrr

Be strong for your kids, keep those bonds. You're obviously their main parent!

Huuugs,
L

My therapist taught me a form of tapping which processes extreme emotion and helps you to live in the peace of the moment. Maybe you can learn that technique. Prayer, reading scripture, meditating, talking w/ friends and exercise also work w/ me. You can't THINK your way out of this, you need to process your emotions over time. I would focus on anything and everything that gives you feelings of peace and cheer. If you can get a handle on your emotions, you will undergo a cognitive shift that allows you to see the positive in this seemingly negative situation. Like getting rid of a douchebag and how much better off you are w/o him. Vigorous exercise is huge in balancing your seratonin and dopamine levels so you can retain balance.

I am telling you this because I am in the same spot myself.

Someone told me, "He doesn't pay you enough to rent space in your brain." Someone else told me to picture him as a smelly animal that stinks up everything he goes near or a cartoon character like PigPen -- who will always mess up everything around him. Cuz that's just who he is. He messes up things.

I also recommend, go to bed early and get up early because nights are the hardest when you will miss him the most. Don't watch romantic movies because they fuel the fantasy. Spend a lot of time and energy on companionship for yourself. It's hard to be jealous when you are out dancing or in restaurants with your GFs and having a blast. I took salsa dancing lessons and it really lifted my spirits. I am not ready to date, but this lets me interact with men w/o any expectation it is leading to anything but a 5 minute dance then rotate to the new partner.

I take all the love and lavish it on the kids. If I want to be w/ him, I hug the kids. If I miss conversation, I talk to them about the stuff they love. If I feel abandoned, I imagine they feel the same and do some awesome family bonding stuff with them such as a games or good cooking.

Can you get your dad or another male mentor to make this an AWESOME Father's Day for them? How about a day at a nursing home with elderly men w/ no visitors? Volunteering and service always lifts my spirit and makes me see the ways in which I don't have it so bad.

Best of luck. I think it's okay just to be sad sometimes. You are working on your meds and I imagine adjusting all the time. It could be a time to change doses.

Love ya!!!!

I so hate to hear you (and others) here are so devastated. The above advice is good. But I feel and understand your pain. You are also saying I am trying and trying and nothing is working. Totally understand that. As much as we want it not to be true it is. But holding on to the idea you will get back together is you holding Yourself back . You are the only one who can get you out of that state of mind. That is when your heart will accept what the reality is. Look at your own words "I know my ex and in his eyes we've been over since we separated a year and a half ago and they have been together since." Don't want it! But dear you have to know that is where you are today, unfortunately. The one thing that helped me was to live the saying "One day at a time" Looking back is what you want, yet not the truth. Looking to the future you may see a shimmer of light but not happiness yet or fears and doubts overshadow. Today is all we have or are promised. So stay in the present and keep move and working on. You are doing the correct things as books, therapy, and medicine. As said before meds may need need higher doses or changed completely. I have had to due that and have been having a terrible time on side effects. But have to hang on for 4-6 weeks to see if they can work. Seems like forever, I truly know. I would also suggest keeping active or exercise. I am not able to do so but just to take a walk or set out in the sun. Then I see outside work and that gets me motivated to garden or at least pick up the yard. Will not happen if I stay inside and only dwell on this place we do not want to be. Also a gratitude journal. I could not start to think of 5 things to be grateful for Today and sure didn't feel like writing good happy things to write for everyday at first, so just list or look at little things. First we mostly look at our priorities such as children, family, friends, jobs ,a roof over our head. Well soon it was the sun, something funny that made me laugh (even if for a minute), a bird I would have never really look at or watched, food, smile from a stranger, hobbies, etc. Before long you can see, enjoy, and appreciate more than we ever had. You are looking for positives instead of the dark hole you can't get out of. You are living in the present. You will see He is not the one in Today that is bringing you something to be grateful for.
Also read or say the serenity prayer. Over and over and with true vision of it. Accept the things you cannot change!
Your children and you deserve it ! I sooooo hope and pray for you to get to the lives of peace. God bless!

Fatallove, I tend to agree with sld1, I am so sorry that he is still causing you pain. Just think back at what a superficial rat bastard he is and that might help......the sooner that you can get the to the point that she can have his sorry ass the better....... acceptance is hard to achieve but when you can get there you truly can move on and start living again......

So sorry for your continued pain. I hope you find it within yourself somewhere to find the acceptance so that you can heal and enjoy your wonderful life. We don't need people in our lives that treat us the way we have been treated. I can fully appreciate the pain and hurt associated with him walking out. You can't make him love you and you can't make him come home. I agree with sld1, do you want to live the rest of your life wondering what he is up to? I struggle with this issue to, and I am starting to learn that I deserve so much more. I would never be able to trust him again. That's not what a marriage is.

Strong healing hugs coming your way!

It is very hard to let go of love and partnership. This is the hardest thing i have ever faced. When you love as much as marriage requires, it is hard to be betrayed and left behind . It is difficult to transition to the new life. It is hard to let go of attachments and dreams. You have my deepest sympathy because I know how this feels. It is devastation and utter misery. I sure know the feeling, and I hope we recover in short time, because it is unbearable

I am so sorry for your pain. As I was reading your entry I was saying to myself OMG this is me....I feel the same way you do, exactly. My X is not getting married though (not yet anyway) he just left on march 8th, but he left to be by himself (so he said) but he really left for someone else. And this as been the hardest part to accept, leaving to be with someone else. 39 year old to be with a 28 year old with a baby (not his) but still was not a father in any way to the children we have but now he is being a father to a little girl. I feel your pain, I dont know what I would or will do if I find out that they will marry once he is divorced. I also have an obsessive personality need to know everything that goes on in his life (did find out alot of things, I am a pretty good detective) but I know that it is not healthy for me or my daughter. I still have hope like you, he told me that he was not coming back but that doesnt stop the way I feel. I dont know how long you were married, we were toghether for 18 years.... to me this is a life time.... I keep telling everyone that I can switch off my feelings at the snap of my fingers....however I know that I need must move on.....but my mind isnt there yet...There is great people on here that helps with positive outlook on life.... it has help me some knowing that I am not alone.

I am so sorry that you are hurting; sometimes it feels like the pain will never stop and our lives will never be happy and productive again. Many here on this site have so been emotionally abused by our ex-partners that the abuse becomes the NORM in our lives, and anything else appears to be false, and too difficult to imagine. In actuality, the emotional abuse we have suffered from our partners, has caused so many of us to substitute a lie for the truth, to build our own illusions, and to SUBCONCIOUSLY live within that delusion whether we realized it or not at the time.

I think what has helped me the most was for me to actually look at the FACTS, and to realize that even though I had 30 years of memories--some really good ones--that I had to face the actual REALITY of my situation, and make a willful, conscious decision to walk away----no hoping for a reconciliation, or a reprieve from this divorce. It took me about 6 months of pure h*ll to come to that conclusion but once I made MY CHOICE that MY survival, MY happiness --and most importantly---MY piece of mind---was at stake of FOREVER being held HOSTAGE to his abuse---it was sooooo easy for me to DECIDE that--- I-- DID-- NOT-- WANT---HIM ...and every time I would think of him moving forward with his life, and seeming to have a blissful, happy life without me ---I CONSCIOUSLY choose to STOP thinking about him---I literally would say to myself--STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM---then I would tell myself how much happier my life would be without him, and how lucky and blessed I was to escape his ABUSE---for example: I can spend my money the way I want, I can go out with friends, family, and other men when and if I choose to do so..I can travel to places I've never been, I can explore, experiment, investigate, reinvent, and participate in ANY damn thing I want........Geeze, I am loving my freedom now and especially the freedom from the WORRY about what he is doing and who he is with.

A good friend told me that I was so worried about him enjoying himself that I was forgetting that I could enjoy myself too. You can date, flirt, smile, laugh, travel, and create wonderful memories for yourself and your children. Don't be his emotional hostage!!!!!! BELIEVE it or not...YOU actually DESERVE so much better than to live in this misery and hell hole.

LIFE is so GOOD once you make YOUR CHOICE to let him go......I feel like I have been released from PRISON---a self-imposed prison of my own refusal to face the TRUTH..............Just let go.....let go....let go....once you DECIDE to do that.....YOU WILL BE HAPPY & AT PEACE............

Thank you Angela49, what you are saying seems so true, I will keep your entry real close so I can read it every day and hopefully overcome this difficult time.....

Try this exercise for learning how to envision SOB as not so glorious: Sing CAT79's chorus song from Hall of Shame...[I loved it]. It stresses the OW as a "whore" and think of the OW as a FAT whore. I do mean the kind with black net stockings and hot pants with a oversized stomach with boobs of the size basketballs having a face of a donkey. And greater of all...as a carrier of STD and him as a receiver. yuk! NASTY.

Girlfriend, you must be looking good now, all slim and trim. It's God to have gotten you ready to receive your "new and improved" blessed MAN who is out there. Put on your cute outfit and go window shopping.

Such beautiful responses! This site has become one of my favorite places online and IRL.

Fatallove, you really are amongst friends here that understand what you are gong through. You have been given alot of terrific advise which I am also going to incorporate into my life. I have been separated for over 1.5 years like yourself and am struggling too! I am doing all of the right things; keeping busy, learning new things, doing new things, meeting people, reading inspirational books, exercising but sometimes i just don't feel like I'm moving forward. It feels as though I am stuck under this huge black cloud. As a matter of fact sometimes my mind/thoughts feel kind of clouded. I guess for some of us the healing takes longer than it does for others. I pray that you will find peace and healing soon! Hugs

Angela49: What you wrote is so very true. Thank you for reminding me.