Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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pickingup 07/30/2015

I never thought I would have to write this but my husband, whom I have been with for 21 years, asked for a divorce 3 weeks ago. I was floored because I love him and believed he loved me. We were teenagers when we first got together. He has been my first boyfriend and my husband. I have dedicated my whole life to him, have loved him and dedicated myself to the marriage. He said he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy about our financial situation. He has been working and I have not had a full time job. He earned his phd and now I was trying to finish one up too. Well, I am very close to finishing (this January) but now that is over too. He said it was all too much. So, now I have to start all over. No phd, which means finding a teaching job and hoping to get certification to teach. Starting from scratch. Can't have children. He put it off and now he says he wants children. He told me he can see himself happy with another woman and he wants kids. This is devastating since now that I am older, kids would be tough. Anyway, he REFUSED any counseling because he has great dreams of starting over and getting a 6 figure government research job. So, any kind of counseling would hinder getting top clearance and I guess he just doesn't care. I begged him for us to work it out. Said I would learn to drive, give up the phd and find a full time job. I begged him to remember we have 21 years together. He said he is sorry but it is too late. I said I will change. He said all of my changes will help with my next relationship (which just crushed my soul). He said he is never coming back. Yesterday, he asked me to take my name off of our lease and send back the keys. I felt so bad. He is definitely getting on with his life. He swears there is no one else. He just doesn't want me. He wants a new life and wants to start over. I know that deep down it means he simply doesn't love me. If he did, he could never leave me. He couldn't think of me with another man or he wouldn't want children with someone else. He simply wants me gone. I am so devastated. I love him. I can't imagine life without him. I feel he has killed any chance of my happiness. I feel that I will compare everyone to him. You see I didn't think we were in such serious trouble. It was a rough patch. I never expected him to want a divorce, to be away from me for the rest of his life. I planned a future with him, getting old with him. I have loved him so much, stood by him. Now I am literally nothing. Garbage. Abandonned. Not wanted. I feel such deep despair. EVERY moment is still hell. I feel like I can't breathe. There is a catch at the back of my throat and a dull ache in my heart, though most of the time I feel like I can't breathe. I am in such denial. I can't believe he is gone and that our life together is over. How can he leave me and our life and not care about me? It's all pity.

MNMama 07/30/2015

Hello, and welcome. I'm so sorry you have to be in this group, but I know you will find help and comfort here. Many of us have been in similar situations and can empathize with your feelings. I too didn't want a divorce, I too wanted to work on us, but he didn't/couldn't due to his addiction issues. No one person can make a marriage work on their own.
You've got a long road ahead of yourself, but if nothing else, keep in mind that things will sort themselves out, and you will be OK again. It will hurt, it will suck, but you will go through it and come out the other side. Please don't do anything without legal advice. You need to focus on protecting yourself financially , it may be that he should be helping you finish school. If he wants out that badly, maybe he'll pay to hasten it.
Lastly, focus on your emotional help and healing. Sorry you're here, but we're here to help in any way we can.

tobywinn 07/30/2015

YOU: This is NOT about you! This is typical behavior of a spouse abandonment. Run to your lawyer, fast! And protect yourself from the financial fallout. I suggest you start digging real hard and collect information about the marital money.

HIM: A spouse who abandons a long term marriage generally is motivated for reasons. He has had time to think hard and has obviously made the conclusion of the OUTCOME he wants. He's made up his mind to the point of no return and refuses any negotiating. People with any logic don't just leave a stable marital home to live in POVERTY. Starting a new life takes money! The proof of the pudding is the fact he's already made plans about the money.

pickingup 07/30/2015

So sorry. I am trying to be strong but I am crumbling. He is my first and only love. I dedicated my whole life to him. I know this is stupid but I really believed in marriage. Always thought that no matter what if I loved him enough, told him I will always be by his side, told him I will always love him, it would be enough. On the many occasions that I begged him, with no dignity to please take me back, he said no. I said all I need in marriage is love and loyalty. I would live with you in a shack and he just said sorry, I need more. It's so cold. This is a stranger. Where just a couple of months, he was my best friend. I loved him so much that I prayed for him before I prayed for myself. I used to say if I die, you must remarry. God I was so stupid. I feel as if I am slowly just dying. Since I didn't have a full time job, I had to move to another state to stay with my mom. I am going back to NY but it doesn't matter. He already told me he wants me off the lease, to return the keys and that it doesn't matter because he is giving up the apartment and moving. He does not know if he will tell me where he is moving. I am pretty sure he won't. You see it is easy for him because we have no children. Right now he has a tenured job in the math department at BMCC in NY. But soon he will be giving that job up since he has great dreams of working for the government (cia, nsa.) So, I know his plans involve moving. He will first move out of our home and IF he gets clearance he will move to VA. I feel hysterical. I know once he moves out of the apartment, it's another concrete step to leaving our life. I know this is delusion because he has already left me. The pain is unbearable. I have never believed there is such cruelty in this world. I never cheated on him or had an addiction or anything. I was working hard to finish the phd because he had a dream of us being a "power couple". I guess I was taking too long. It didn't help that I was becoming depressed and he just didn't want to be burdened by me anymore. But I thought this is marriage; you stick it through. I loved him. would have never left him.

pickingup 07/30/2015

Thank you for your care and responses. I feel like nothing. Absolutely rejected and lower than dirt. I feel as if I will never love again. He has taken my trust and my joy. Even my belief in God is gone. This was literally the worst thing that could happen in my life. My marriage was the one thing I valued above everything else. I put him first. How could he do this? I know it is because he does not love me. He has great plans for his future--wife with a good income, children, house with beautiful backyard. The life we had dreamed of together. He simply wants to start over. He just does not love me. I am so broken. He has broken me.

startingover2011 07/30/2015

Everything MNMama said. My prayers and hugs are being sent your way. I WAS you 8 years ago...loving and trusting my ex completely...not understanding why he never loved me when I loved him so deeply.

Get yourself a good lawyer as I did and make HIM pay all legal fees as I did. If HE wants out, then he should have to pay for it. After 20 years, depending on where you live, you should be entitled to half of all assets including his retirement. But, I'm not lawyer, so consult a good one along with doing some research on the internet. There are others here who can guide you to the correct websites.

I also highly recommend an excellent counselor. I couldn't have made it to the other side without mine. What you are going through right now is the worst of it. Know you are not alone by any means. Most of us here have walked a mile in your shoes, so come here whenever you need to. We're here for you.

{{{HUGSSS}}}

sciteacher 07/30/2015

You can add me to the list of someone who could have written your posts. The absolute trust, love, plans for the future, commitment, loyalty, etc. you had so did I. I was married for 33 years and he abandoned me too with a phone call. We have 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren and I asked the same exact questions you just did. You are definitely not alone. The desolation and shock I hear in the tone of your postings was my voice less than 2 years ago. The last thing I wanted to hear was it will be hard and take a long time but it is so true. You have to take the steps now that the others have recommended and then other steps and much work later on for a very long time. I was told it was a process and that it takes time. The shock will remain for awhile. Just don't beg anymore - he will not change his mind and you need to be strong now. You went to your mom's and I went to my dad's and stepmom's and stayed in bed for 3 months. I had difficulty even showering and I lost 21 pounds as I barely could eat. I had to take a leave of absence from work as I am a teacher. I thought my life was over and wished I would die.

There are so many of us here with your story but we have all survived. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But finding this forum will help you so much. We all care and know how you feel. The advice and support here is amazing. These people are like family. Take it one step and a time and get a lawyer and counselor.
You are NOT alone! You will be fine. Let us know how you are and write and vent anytime.
Hugs,
Donna

jljlost 07/30/2015

You sound so much like me, except I divorced him because I couldn't take his abuse and I finally realized (after 30 years) he never loved me. I thought marriage meant you trusted each other, but I was wrong. I planned a future of us together, he never did. I was the best wife and mother I could be. My life centered around my family. His family came 4th or 5th on his list. I felt worthless and I could only see a black hole in my future.
You need to act now and protect yourself. He is. Get a lawyer and file for divorce to prevent him from liquidating all the community assets. That's what my ex did to me. I thought he would change, but he never did. Neither will your husband. Please don't wait.
Get yourself some therapy too. Go by yourself. He doesn't think he has a problem or needs help. You don't need him to help you get through this. You need a therapist to help you understand and move forward.
Many of us have been there. The longer you wait the worse things will get. I am so sorry you feel as if your world has ended. I understand. You will get through this. You are strong.

yougospam 07/30/2015

awww, I'm so sorry you're here but glad you stumbled upon us. We totally understand what you are going through and will be here to help you as you move forward. You will definitely want to get an atty PRONTO. Speaking from experience, there is no changing their minds once they announce they want a divorce. My ex left in the middle of the night so I didn't even get a chance to talk divorce with him. It was a second marriage for both of us and we had only been married 7 years. He had done the same thing to his previous wife and his kids. I'm thankful we didn't have kids together. I tried the pleading and begging and promises to change, whatever it would take but it was too late. Mine didn't leave me for another woman, he just can't deal with life and when it gets hard, he runs. I had to give up on the wondering if's, maybes and hope that he'll change his mind and I gave up trying to find closure. With counseling I learned to just look ahead and to stop looking in the rear view mirror. I still do on occasion and I only hurt myself when I do. Here are a few of the things I force myself to read when I feel myself glancing in the rear view mirror:
1. Pain can not be avoided, dwelling on it can
2. This too will pass
3. I can do hard things
4. Don't look back
5. STOP (whenever my mind starts thinking about him)

Just know that you are not alone, it's a hard road to travel BUT in time, you will find yourself again. Let the tears come, get mad, vent, journal, crawl into bed when needed and make yourself #1 priority at this point. Don't trust anything he tells you and definitely get yourself to a counselor. As you search this site you'll see many references to books people have read to help, if you're a reader.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. It's so sad how many people have experienced this. Sending you gentle hugs and prayers!

Time4Kim 07/30/2015

Pickingup, I just want to reach through this computer and hug you tight. Just like so many of us here, I know the pain and anguish and shock you are feeling right now. My 24 year marriage to my high school sweatheart ended in much the same way, but he lied. He did have someone else and he married her very soon after divorcing me. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. It makes me so sad every time one more person has to endure this unbelievable pain. It's incredible how similar our stories are. Just know that as bad as it may seem right now, it will get better and you will make it through and move on. We are all here to offer support and encouragement and love.

Take each day one step at a time. Breathe, and take good care of yourself. Get help from family and friends and professionals (lawyers and counselors). And know that you are among friends here.

Hugs to you!
Kim

kamary 07/30/2015

Hi Pickingup. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Add me to the list. We got together when I was 13yo, married when I was 18yo. I'm one of those who, after years of doing everything thing possible to make my marriage a happy one, I wound up feeling like I was being treated like dirt, unloved, disrespected, and like he had a second life somewhere. I chose to leave 7 years ago and now I see him so clearly, I know I did the right thing.

Have no doubt this is all about him, and you are not to blame for how he is.

You've found a great place to talk to people who've been there and who know what to do.

Over time, you'll go through the steps to healing and will one day know you're ok again. Take a look at the Grief Wheel in the photos section (top right) and you'll have some idea of where you are right now, and what's ahead.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/divorceaftertwentyyearstogether/media/1249897

Keep talking here. We're here for you.

big big hugs and lots of love
kamary

missd12932 07/30/2015

Hi, Pickingup, I'm so sorry you are here, but there is no better place you could've come to. We have all been
where you are. And we survived and so will you. One day at a time.

Hugs

pickingup 07/31/2015

We were talking on the phone in the mornings. I was so desperate to just be in contact with him. I was willing to accept just talking to him. I told him we had once been best friends, so we should at least try to remain in each other's lives. But now I realize that all he was trying to do was soften me up so we can hash out a financial settlement that he thinks should go to an arbitrator. He sent me a long email this morning about how HE will be disappointed if we don't end things amicably and go to an attorney (!) His self-centeredness and delusional nature are clearly on full display. I said you need to get a lawyer. I said after 21 years of being together you threw me out and told me you want to start over, to find a new woman and have children with her and start the life you deserve because I was taking too long to finish a phd you insisted I get, so we can be a "power couple".
I said we lived together for the first 10 years, which makes me your common law wife and were marred for 11. I said when I met you, you were on the bus and begged me to buy a suit for me. Now that you are leaving me, I get 1/2 of everything since everything you have and are were accumulated when you were with me. I get 1/2 of 401k, the value of your math phd (so if he consults, I get a percentage), a portion of the pension, a portion of your social security and you have to pay spousal support because when you threw me out, I had to start from scratch in another state. I have student loans to pay (that you don't) and you cost me my future earnings because you caused me my phd. I can't do that anymore. I said you cost me children because you decided you aren't ready to have children with me but when you left me you said you want to start over and have children with a woman you hope to meet and make a life with. I said you are going to have to pay spousal support because I had to relocate and start over. You have no student loans but I have all of mine. I truly hate him

larry5577 07/31/2015

"He swears there is no one else."

They all claim this pickingup and most all the time there is someone else. Even a monkey doesn't let go of the vine before another is firmly in their grasp.

Keep hold of this anger you are feeling in your last post, just don't get violent. Get all the financials that you are entitled to. Chances are you two won't be able to use the same attorney as they can't represent and advise oppositions. My divorce was rather complex with assets and my attorney fees alone were $12G so the more you can do on your own the less you'll pay but be sure you aren't shortchanged in what is rightfully yours.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. Try to take one thing at a time. Dissect the business aspect of divorce from the emotional the best you can. It can be overwhelming at times. Stop, pause and focus. You are working with someone totally irrational now so don't expect things to make sense because they won't. Once that decree is signed it is difficult to make amendments. Be sure all financials are addressed so when the pain finally subsides you have something to work with to build upon. Now is not the time to 'soften up'. You won't buy him back.

Timeman 07/31/2015

Hello picking up,
My wife left me for an old friend , after 38 years of marriage .
I know the pain that you have right now......I know how hurt and confused you are.
My dear friends here that responded to you said it all.
I will tell you one thing.....Get a Lawyer. Now ! You're not going to want to because right now , you don't care. You're to hurt to think Straight right now. You, must force yourself to get to a Lawyer . later, on you will be thankful you did. Half of everything is or should be yours. Including his pension.....and maybe he should pay for your continued education.........SO YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE HE SAYS AND THINKS HE WILL HAVE.. YOU HAVE A RIGHT !!! , But I'm not a Lawyer I just look at things that are right or wrong .
Lawyer------- consulor / Therapist-------- friends------ Here on D&S ---------- Phyciratrist------- Church ( if you're a believer).....
And..... It's OK to cry !!!!!!!!
Timeman

slynn85 07/31/2015

Hugs. I'm right there with you. Except for the part where my husband is back/forth. No, mine is DONE.

We are still living together and will figure out what to do as far as all of that soon. I won't lie: I am beyond scared. I'm sure it will get much worse once it really begins (he moves out). I see an attorney next week and I assume he has already or will. Meanwhile, he took off his ring and goes into work and through his day as if to indicate that he's free.

Come to think of it, he didn't wear ring when I first met him. He was newly separated. I turned out to be the rebound wife but I should have known better. It's all moot now, but we all have to get through this together. He seems to be able to compartmentalize pain (if he feels anything at all). He comes home his chipper self while I'm about to bawl at the drop of a hat. For now, I'm trying to be strong for the kids (all school-aged).

Anyway...as others have said, you are not alone. We're in it together. It will be pure hell, I know. But I've read some posts already that have said that it simply takes time. Ugh...well...that is life.

Have a wonderful weekend. :)

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