Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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pickingup 07/30/2015

I never thought I would have to write this but my husband, whom I have been with for 21 years, asked for a divorce 3 weeks ago. I was floored because I love him and believed he loved me. We were teenagers when we first got together. He has been my first boyfriend and my husband. I have dedicated my whole life to him, have loved him and dedicated myself to the marriage. He said he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy about our financial situation. He has been working and I have not had a full time job. He earned his phd and now I was trying to finish one up too. Well, I am very close to finishing (this January) but now that is over too. He said it was all too much. So, now I have to start all over. No phd, which means finding a teaching job and hoping to get certification to teach. Starting from scratch. Can't have children. He put it off and now he says he wants children. He told me he can see himself happy with another woman and he wants kids. This is devastating since now that I am older, kids would be tough. Anyway, he REFUSED any counseling because he has great dreams of starting over and getting a 6 figure government research job. So, any kind of counseling would hinder getting top clearance and I guess he just doesn't care. I begged him for us to work it out. Said I would learn to drive, give up the phd and find a full time job. I begged him to remember we have 21 years together. He said he is sorry but it is too late. I said I will change. He said all of my changes will help with my next relationship (which just crushed my soul). He said he is never coming back. Yesterday, he asked me to take my name off of our lease and send back the keys. I felt so bad. He is definitely getting on with his life. He swears there is no one else. He just doesn't want me. He wants a new life and wants to start over. I know that deep down it means he simply doesn't love me. If he did, he could never leave me. He couldn't think of me with another man or he wouldn't want children with someone else. He simply wants me gone. I am so devastated. I love him. I can't imagine life without him. I feel he has killed any chance of my happiness. I feel that I will compare everyone to him. You see I didn't think we were in such serious trouble. It was a rough patch. I never expected him to want a divorce, to be away from me for the rest of his life. I planned a future with him, getting old with him. I have loved him so much, stood by him. Now I am literally nothing. Garbage. Abandonned. Not wanted. I feel such deep despair. EVERY moment is still hell. I feel like I can't breathe. There is a catch at the back of my throat and a dull ache in my heart, though most of the time I feel like I can't breathe. I am in such denial. I can't believe he is gone and that our life together is over. How can he leave me and our life and not care about me? It's all pity.

dairytech 07/31/2015

Hi Pickingup...welcome to our group. I am so sorry you are going through this...divorce is a gut wrenchingly painful life event...one I dont wish on anyone. I am almost 6 years post divorce for the 2nd time to the same man...both divorces were unwanted by me. This 2nd divorce almost killed me...thats how it felt...but I survived and so will you.

The others have already given you some great advise so I cant add much more...however...I must stress the importance of getting advise from a lawyer. This will be the most important business deal of your life..one that will effect your life for the rest of your life! Do not try to be accommodating in the hopes it will change his mind...he is done and he will try to keep what he believes is his. For some reason they feel since they are the ones who went to work everyday...everything accumulated during the marriage is theirs and they will do what ever they can to make sure they dont have to give any of it up. Think of a fair divorce settlement as severance pay...you did your job well...he fired you...now he has to pay to get rid of you. I know that sounds cold...but...bottom line...that is how it is. Divorce settlements are business...and ending a long term marriage is a business deal.

The emotional outfall...well that is a whole different story. It will be difficult to say the least. Divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through...short of loosing a child...I cant think of anything worse. If you can...try and find a good therapist to help you navigate the emotions thrust upon you...my best friend is a therapist...between her and this group...I'm not sure I would have made it through as well as I have...it was a long tough road but I made it. There is life after divorce...you just have to spend some time in the trenches before finding your way out...trust yourself and your process...you can do this! Big Hugs...Kathy

txteachermoma 07/31/2015

Sending prayers your way! It is hard to see right now but you will be okay.... You dedicated yourself to your marriage and did what you thought was right. Do not be upset woth yourself about that and don't regret it. Know that now is the time to dedicate to yourself! Put yourself and what you need and want FIRST! Get a really good lawyer and follow their advice even if it seems mean or unfair to your STBX. Be gentle on yourself and hard in the STBX (it is a hard shift to make...but the sooner you do it the better).

trisha9054 07/31/2015

I'm sorry you find yourself here but this is a great place to be when you find yourself getting a divorce. I didn't want a divorce but I was the one to file. During the divorce I learned so much about the ex. He never loved me and it seems I was a rebound wife. He needed someone to marry and I happened to catch his eye. I was married for 33 years and will be divorced 8 years in Dec.

You do need to find a great Atty. I used an Atty who specialized in divorces only. You get what you pay for and he wasn't cheap. He covered every "what if" I had and the ex had no wiggle room to get out of paying what he owed me. The ex tried to not pay me three times and it cost him a lot more than he owed.

You need to move quickly on getting your Atty to make sure your stbx doesn't hide assets. Don't volunteer what you know you are entitled to have. I kept contact with the ex until this last court hearing two years this month. The ex would give me hints of stunts he was going to pull on me. It was so hard on me but needed to be done. I would advise you to go no contact.

Your stbx is talking kids and a new wife...he is probably already seeing someone. The ex went to work overseas on temp jobs and he had me in the states and another wife in China. That little stunt he pulled cost him dearly.

Yes, a good therapist is a necessity to get through a divorce. See if you can find a Divorce Care group in your area. While a divorce knocks you to your knees I think you will come out of this okay. Sending you some much needed (HUGS)

refurb 07/31/2015

take the advice to get a lawyer - fast
find people you lay it all out there with - fast

expect to hurt for a long time - just reality
for know you most likely won't believe that it will get better
so don't waste your time trying to believe it (although it does)
don't worry about being strong or what is normal (you are both)

iammine 07/31/2015

oh my Dear, I am so sorry for your pain! Only those of us who have been through it and especially those of us who didn't see it coming , well we understand where you are! The "catch in your throat" that you describe....oh yes, I remember it well, Like you can't breath sometimes....like you're not even going to be able to survive!

But you WILL survive. You will indeed! Your life will go on. You're in shock. It's completely understandable. We all get that here. You found a wonderful and supportive place to learn and share and vent. Please visit us for support and love whenever you need to. Someone will always respond!!!

You will hear this again and again and again, so here it goes: it gets better. You WILL survive this and get stronger from it. You will learn and grown and even love again. Your life will and already has changed. There is no going back. Forward is unknown and scary but....that is where you're going.

Get the help that you need. Reach out to friends and family. Some will be there and know how to support you, some may not and may even disappoint. There are so many experiences that are ahead of you. Difficulties and challenges yes, but you will astound yourself at what you can do and how resilient you can be!

HANG IN THERE!!!! big hugs from one who has been there!

pickingup 08/01/2015

Was feeling really strong but here I am been up since 2 am. I knew this time would come when I just can't sleep. Since this has all happened, mercifully I have been able to sleep but that is changing. He sent me an email requesting that I take my name off of the lease and send back the keys for what was once our home. He continues to lie like the loser he is. Why lie? You're getting your divorce. He claims he wants to get my name off the lease so he can move whenever he finds a place. I have also mentioned that he is planning on moving from NY to VA once he gets his great government job with the six figures. He fancies himself working for NSA or the CIA or one of those contractors, making the big bucks. All apparently that stood in his way was me, the terrible wife. He's such a liar. Can't keep his story straight. One day, it is I am just a mean, nasty person, grinding him down (you know, what the rest of us would call asking questions). Then the next is that I am no as career driven as he is. I am taking too long finishing the phd and finding a full time job so we can be that "power" couple and live whatever lifestyle he deems we should have. Then it's he wants to start over, can see himself happy with another woman. Then he wants children, but not with me. He thinks I just won't be a good enough mother (which just about kills me because I come from a big family and have tons of nieces and nephews and I am so good with them.) Throughout the marriage, he is the one who was really hesitant to start a family and now that I am 41 with no husband, my chances of having a child are over. But here he is: looking to start with a new family. And now the excuse for leaving me is that he wants to start over and make tons of money, in VA. So, as you can see, an absolute delusional liar.

pickingup 08/01/2015

Anyway, after he sent told me on the phone about returning keys and taking my name off lease, he texted me AND sent me an email. I felt as if I was being abused, punched 3 times. I only need to hear it once. I don't need to relive the cruelty. So, I finally said (though I do not mean it) I don't want you. I don't plan on stalking you and showing up at your home uninvited. You don't need to keep sending me the same hurtful messages over and over. He couldn't understand why I was angry, so I finally gave it to him. I told him he had to empathy so I don't expect him to understand. I said I get it, you don't love me and you are moving on with your life. I said I have plans for myself too. I said when are you filing for the divorce. He said he thought we would be sitting down and working out a settlement together and then he would take it to an arbitrator. I said, I met you when you were riding the bus, I bought you your first pair of shoes. In the 21 years we have been together, you have earned a phd in math, at lease 100k in a retirement settlement and roth ira. I said I have seen you through a tenured job which you gave up, a job you lost after 2 months of moving us to another state and now a new tenured track job in the math department at bmcc. I said you have no student loans. I am starting from scratch! Have to pay for loans for a phd you insisted I got but left me when I was about to finish. So no phd but loans for it. I said you are going to pay for those loans. I am entitled to half of everything including that retirement and your a portion of the value of the phd, which means your money from consulting. I said get the lawyer. I am going to get everything I that is rightfully mine.

pickingup 08/01/2015

then the idiot sent me another email reiterating where he should send my mail and that I should send the keys back. He just misses his favorite punching bag. You see, he never loved me. All he did was use me. He comes from an abusive family and I ALWAYS FELT SORRY FOR HIM. I listened to his crap, talked him out of his impulsive decisions. HE NEVER LOVED ME, just loved that he could unload on me. That I would listen to his complaining, bitching and raging for hours and still be there to say I love it, it's going to be okay. THEN BAM! all of a sudden, it's not enough. He wants a new life. But he wants to keep using me the way he did before: as the person to sit there and have him unload all of his hate. Everyone keeps saying he was calling me because he felt some guilt. I think he was calling me because he wanted me to soften up so he can get me to sign off on a financial statement where I get about $400 a month for 3 months and then he is on his merry way. When he realized that I am going to be getting my rightful money, all of a sudden his evilness is back. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME. Any man who can cruelly do this to a wife after 21 years, with no remorse, is a nasty, vile creature that I can only hope karma takes care of (though I don't believe he will get what he deserves.) He just wants to use me; get rid of me as quickly as possible and move on to his shiny new life. Well, he's got another thing coming: another woman is not going to live off what I have earned! Everything he accomplished was with me by his side. I don't give a damn if he doesn't think this way. He actually had the nerve to say to me that I should consider how he feels, that he has NOBODY, NO FAMILY and I have family. I shouldn't go after the retirement! Vile, nasty piece of garbage. When I said but you have me. I love you. We can still be a family. He said I DON'T WANT YOU! So he would rather be alone than be with me, the woman who never cheated on him, stole or did anything but love and support him. Nasty

jljlost 08/01/2015

Good for you! You are angry, stay angry!
My ex never loved me (30 years married) he just used me. Filing joint income taxes we better then filing single, having someone to blame for his mistakes meant he didn't have to be responsible, reminding me I was worthless, lazy, not as good as him made him feel like a big man.
The only time he was nice (and looking back it is so obvious) was when he needed something. Like co-signing a loan or taking my name off the lease or inviting his mother to stay with us for 2 months. Like your husband, he tried to put a guilt trip on me to get what he wanted. Saying he loved me, or how he was working hard for us. Then he would threaten and make me feel guilty saying we were going to lose our home if I didn't sign. He lied about everything. Even insignificant stuff that he didn't need to lie about. He had no conscience, he didn't care about anybody but himself.
He literally left me penniless, on the street and he didn't care. I still can't believe how he could do that to anyone.
So, stay angry, when he acts nice remember he is doing it to get something out of you. When he makes promises, don't believe him. When he offers to work out a settlement, it's because he can get more out of you. Don't give him the keys. In fact change the locks. Don't DON'T sign anything he asks you to sign. No matter how harmless it looks. He has a motive and it's not because he wants to see you happy.
Stay strong!
Get an attorney and file for divorce now.
Show him you have plans for your future and they don't include him.

jljlost 08/01/2015

2:30 AM and I am still awake too.

KRKing911 08/02/2015

Well, I'm not sure how this will unfold, but I want to welcome you. I also want to say that in most cases there is someone else so don't be surprised if you find that out. I didn't read the whole response listing so if this was already mentioned, forgive the repeat. You found a good group here - just sorry that you have to be here at all.

CowgirlKathi 08/02/2015

After reading all of the posts here, I feel the need to point out that going NO CONTACT would probably be a priority for you. Talking, texting or emailing with him is only going to serve to make you feel much worse than you already do.

On the sound advice of my therapist, I went totally NO CONTACT not long after retaining my own attorney. After that, any emails the runway husband sent to me were immediately forwarded to my attorney. I refused to dignify any of them with a response. Saying NOTHING says more than any words! Let him wonder what you are up to, my dear. That will knock him off balance a bit!

Get yourself to a qualified counselor or licensed therapist and then get your own attorney. Trying to reach a financial settlement with your husband is like negotiating with a terrorist. It simply won't work!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

trisha9054 08/02/2015

My favorite saying is "keep your mouth shut and your ears open". You are saying too much to him. Don't tell him what you are entitled to have. Before you know what happened he will be hiding assets. You really do need to go no contact. Don't send him those keys until you talk to an Atty.

If you are on the lease you can walk in and out of that house or apartment if you want too. Not that I would advise doing that but do you have any personal items there that you want?

Save his emails for your Atty and don't respond to what he sends you. If you are going to ask for part of his future income from the degree he earned while married you might need to be the one to file.

Have you looked up the divorce laws for the state you lived in? You need to start making a list of questions for that Atty you find.

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