yeah and it is not my elephant, the ones that know about her affair are her friends and they don't say a word to me, the ones that don't "presume" that i'm the turd as the only story is her story

so i just need new friends and that is hard to do when I'd like to be with people in similar shoes , or have been in similar shoes as I

yeah and it is not my elephant, the ones that know about her affair are her friends and they don't say a word to me, the ones that don't "presume" that i'm the turd as the only story is her story

so i just need new friends and that is hard to do when I'd like to be with people in similar shoes , or have been in similar shoes as I

Friends. Well let me just say that when the 'shit went down' between stbx and I, many of my so-called 'friends' abandoned me. And now that I think of it - those were the ones who are all married. All of my friends now are single. They have supported me and TALKED to me through this whole ordeal. I haven't received ONE text/email/phone call from ANY of my 'married' friends. I didn't expect anyone to 'pick sides,' but a simple "Are you doing ok?" would have been a kind gesture. He's the one who cheated on me. It really urked me when one of my 'friends' called stbx to attend her party. Did she call me? Probably because I don't drink anymore and they are all alcoholics (including stbx). Because of the relationships between my stbx, his family, and my 'friends,' I don't want to be here anymore. I am withdrawn, I can't go anywhere where there are big crowds. If I am invited somewhere where I will know a lot of mutual friends, I will usually show up either really early or really late in hopes no one will be there any longer and I don't have to socialize. My plan is to move as soon as the divorce is final. Make some new friends and get back to my 'normal' fun self again. And I have no idea about the single men. Haven't given that much thought because I am way to bitter right now toward a lot of people - especially men. Sorry guys...

imi - Where did you find your single friends? That's exactly what I need right now.

BTW, I do understand your frustration/pain at the lack of anyone calling/texting to say, "Are you OK?" Although I have learned that even though they may be wondering that, they are afraid to hear/don't have to listen to the answer. What I don't get is why my sister or brother haven't asked me that!!!! Maybe it's for the same reason but you would think "family" would be more caring than that. The only one who regularly contacts me and asks, "Are you OK?" is a married guy who has been after me. Geez. I don't even respond to him anymore but I have to admit it was kind of nice to have someone who cared enough to ask!

I hope your situation improves. You sound like you're in the throes. Not a fun place to be. <<Hugs>>

Golden,
I joined some meetup groups. One was for Older Women Divorcing. I met so many wonderful ladies and we go out often. I also met some single women (most are divorced or widowed) on my street and we get together a couple of times each month and do something. Last Friday we had wine and snacks and played Dominoes over one of the ladies home. The month before it was at my home. Maybe you can join a group that fits your needs. I am 58 and so hard to start completely over but I am happy with my new social life.

Well my 'single' friends happen to be friends because they were once married to one of my stbx's friends. One of my friends divorced my stbx's BEST friend a few years ago because he was abusive (and he cheated on her.) Another friend recently divorced her husband who we would go out with as couples. That jerk was telling everyone they were divorcing and putting their house up for sale. That was news to her! She got word of her divorce by people in the bar! Another good friend of mine has always been single. Never married. Another friend is my best friend from h.s. She is divorced, but we have been friends forever. And actually I do have another really good friend who is married, but she DEALS with her marriage. I think she is very unhappy and has dealt with much of the same stuff I have been dealing with (the phone hoarding and sexting/chexting). I feel very lucky I know all of them. I cherish their friendship more than words can say.

I've got to say, I was truly blessed, as I did not lose any of my friends. In the beginning, I think I was putting all the feelings of being out of place, humiliation etc. on myself. Not everything is as it seems. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. And I was very fortunate that my ex took off and moved to Florida. That asshole is now in a place that there's no snow - but he's far away from me and I'm ok with that.

Now I listen as my friends complain about their significant others/husbands. I've got to say, I think they are a bit jealous of my freedom LOL - You'll get to that point too.

As far as meeting people, that's a bit tougher, and unless you join new clubs/groups and accept invitations to go out, the only way your going to meet someone is online is my guess It can be a bit scary in the beginning, but there are 7 billion people in the world - there's more than one person for you my dear. When your ready, really ready, you'll find someone. God doesn't want us to be alone.

Your not ready yet.

Enjoy your friends - even your married ones - reach out and see what happens. If nothing, then their time in your life is finished - you know what they say about people for a season, reason and a life...

You'll be ok.

I lost most of my friends after the divorce. They said they supported me, but when it came down to it, they sided with ex.

It bothered me for a while, but, I changed everything in my life, and friends I had before marriage emerged. I've also met people from church, and oddly enough, people from FaceBook. And, these friends are positive and more faithful than the friends I had.

I think the difference is, the people I'm friends with now have had similar hardships.

Even though before marriage many of our "couple" friends originally were H.S. school friends of my ex, I inherited almost all of them and after 22 years, they were definitely my friends too. They don't dislike my ex, but I definitely spend more time with them. But I do have more in common with singles now.

I have found some new friends through a singles group. I thought it was for dating at first, but actually I've made more female friends than male, and everyone is VERY open and friendly. I could easily go solo to one of their many events and expect to find conversation and companionship and not feel awkward.

Friends are so valuable, and it's a two-way street. Honestly, there are nights when I don't think I can bear to listen to my one girlfriend bitch and cry about her situation that is similar to mine. But it's my turn, and I know that she will do the same for me. Just this morning she called me crying, but I'm glad I answered, because I got her laughing within 5 minutes! When you feel despair, sometimes all it takes is another human voice to remind you are not alone! We have to have each other's backs and share laughs as well as tears. Hope you find this online friendship to be a source or support too.

And find friends by being a friend - I have reached out to those who are new on this journey - even people I was not particularly close to. And they respond by pouring out their hearts to me, because they know I understand. I remember wanting to talk and talk at the beginning. It can be the basis for a short or long-term friendship. Maybe they only need you for awhile, but if you can go out for coffee or a beer, it fills up an empty evening for you as well as them.

Divorce taught me that there is a huge difference between True Blue Friends and "social" friends. The True Blue ones stick with you through the tough times. They love and support you even if they don't necessarily agree with or understand what you are going through. This plays to the old adage of people coming into your life for a reason or a season.

One thing that my therapist said really stuck with me. She said that when there is a divorce after a long-term marriage, all your long-time married friends get scared. "If it happened to YOU, it could most certainly happen to THEM" --no kidding! And she also said that the "friends" will gravitate toward the LEAST EMOTIONALLY AFFECTED partner. That was certainly the case in my situation. I was a train wreck. HE, on the other hand, was walking around like nothing happened and said NOTHING to anyone -- not even his supposed best friend. I'll never quite understand that, but whatever...

Since that awful time 9 years ago, I've reached the point where I have been able to forgive and let go. I have made new friends to replace the ones who buried their heads in the sand; the few who DID re-establish contact with me, I sort of hold at arm's length, but I don't harbor any ill will toward them. But the funniest part is that NONE OF THEM no longer have any contact with the X at all. They were able to see through his lies and shenanigans and no longer really have any desire to associate with him. That's Karma, I guess.

Cowgirl, What is with that - not talking at all??? My ex did that too - some of his co-workers have NO idea he is even divorced! He talked only to a select few people and begged me not to tell his family for months. What the heck!

Finding friends has been hard for me also. I live up and out in the middle of no where. I am a member of meet up groups but find it hard to get involved because anything they do it is 30 minutes or more away. I have started going back to church but still most everyone is married or they have been divorced so long that it is no big deal to them. No one seems to be hurting like I am. I have those special occasions where I venture out but it would be nice to find some local ladies to do more with during the week and weekends when it is too nasty to get out and drive in this weather.

I have no friends and never did. We moved a lot and the ex didn't socialize with people from work. Not male friends, he was more into female friends.

I had a good friend from Divorce Care but as soon as she married the facilitator of our Divorce Care sessions she was gone. She got her new man and I was history. No more helping her paint. No more listening to her on the phone when she had a problem. When I needed the same help I gave her she was gone.

There are no meet up groups in my area. I don't want to drive 45 minutes to the next town on back roads. At least I didn't have to feel the loss of married friends who chose to take sides firing the divorce.

I lost some of my old married friends and some of them stayed in contact and have been supportive. The strangest thing was that people I had known as acquaintances came out of the woodwork to support me and become very good friends through the divorce and the estrangements. Oddly, some of those friendships have quietly come to an end. I think it has to do with changes within me. I'm getting stronger, have better boundaries, and I have a better idea of what I want and where I'm going. I have several old friends from primary school who have rallied round. One is long-time married, one is divorced and remarried and estranged by 2 of her children, and the third is divorced twice and lost one of her children at 17. So I can't say there's really any rhyme or reason as to why some people are my friends and others aren't. It must all depend on the chemistry :)

I joined the Red Hats Society group in my area. I have morning tea every Wednesday with a group of ladies who have been meeting since long before my divorce. They were absolutely my strength during the divorce. I volunteered to do reading with the local primary school until recently - I stopped for health reasons- and I didn't make any new friends there. I went to adult education classes for 2 years after I moved out, met a few people but didn't make any friends as such.

I think it's best not to worry too much about how many friends you have. Just concentrate on being a friend to everyone you meet. Be yourself is the most important thing because people sense phonies a mile off, and that's one reason people shy away. It's nice to have close friends but sometimes it's just nice to be able to swap some chat with an acquaintance at the local store, or hang over the fence with a neighbour you don't know well.

My grandma put in my autograph book "When you smile, another smiles, and soon there are miles and miles of smiles because you smiled". People remember who makes them smile.

love and hugs
kamary

That is interesting Cowgirl cuz yes - that happened to me. Married friends gravitate to the least emotionally effected. The only thing I don't understand is the friends getting scared "If it happened to YOU, it could most certainly happen to THEM." Well, what I didn't understand was some of my 'friends' had been married and gone through a divorce - they SHOULD KNOW what I am going through, yet they abandoned me. And yes - I find that I will reach out to those who are going through what I am going through because I KNOW how important those friends are! I am glad in a sense I can understand their pain and can be an ear for them. I can see them not having contact with my stbx - but I can't forgive them. A freind is someone you can count on when you are at the lowest point in your life. They can go to hell.