Hugs my friend. be gentle with yourself. He is the only one that can turn things around. Not much you can do about it.

I know that's true. I'm kind of giving up but it's hard

Hugs my friend. It is very hard. I lived with a closet alcoholic. No matter what I said or did, nothing worked. It affects your reasoning, your ability to understand things. Everything. I gave up after 25 years. If you have not already joined, you should join AA for spouses. They do amazing work.

There is a meeting today in the town where I live. I think I will join them today at 5:30.

So, I'm gathering you have not filed for divorce because you think he might come around to his senses and change? I suppose that is possible. My EX is an alcoholic. We were married 22 years before we divorced. I found out he was cheating on me and when I started digging, the cheating was the tip of the iceberg. He went to an intense 30 program, however that was just so he could say he knew he had a problem and was trying to address it. A couple of months later he was drinking again. Don't think that he will change just by giving up the drink, they are just as bad without it...they become a "dry drunk." I hope you go to the meeting and keep going a few times. When I belonged to Al-anon, the vibe of the meeting depended upon who showed up. So if you are not impressed, keep going because different people come. Also, if there are other groups, try them as well. I was lucky to have two groups meeting weekly on my lunch hour, if I couldn't go to the Tuesday group I went to the Thursday one. It was a life line (((HUGS)))

I was married for 33 years to a man who drank everyday and was a high functioning alcoholic. 4 t0 5 cases of beer were in the house every week. There was always a beer can in his hand unless he was at work. I can guarantee that there is still a beer can in his hand and I haven't seen him in six years. If beer wasn't served we couldn't go there. In fact we never went out very often because he did his drinking at home. There were other reasons he didn't want to be seen out with a wife and heaven forbid kids. I wouldn't hold your breath waiting on him to quit drinking. It's possible but not very likely that will happen.

Keep going to AA and start making a life for yourself and see what happens. It's hard but you can do it.

I love your comments. I'm just getting started on my journey and it's hard no matter the circumstance.

It is hard, but doable. (((HUGS)))

I tried to go to an Al Anon meeting yesterday, drove there went up to the church and lost it, in tears I just went back to my car. I don't like getting so emotional and just couldn't face going inside.
The pastor came out looking for me and we got through a short conversation with me unable to control myself. I just can't talk about it right now, its easier here online.

(((HUGS))))

Catsden,
Please try not to feel like a failure. You are so strong for making that change and essentially standing up for yourself by setting boundaries on how you will be treated.. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I experience that same insane behavior where he is verbally abusive and then act as if nothing happened the next day. It is baffling to me that someone can function like that. It is like a battle occurred and we are the ones that have the wounds and scars the next day. My heart goes out to you. Try to spend time doing things for yourself. Staying busy will take your mind off of it too. My heart goes out to you.

You'll start to feel better and see life differently once time passes. It's hard because you've seen it through his lens for so long. My ex became a heavy but always sociable and happy drunk about 7 years before we divorced. (Always treated me well till the day we split and beyond - except for cheating - long story). He had always been a drinker but it got worse. When I would comment that all we ever did was go to parties or bars where people were drinking - he would say "Everyone drinks". And to be honest, I was hard put to find many who didn't. Now that we have been divorced almost 4 years, I have met many many people my age who drink moderately or not at all. They ARE out there, we just weren't meeting them when we were together. Sadly, his alcoholism has escalated since we've been apart. He found a heavy drinking mate and has had two car accidents and blackouts. Still working - some of them just are able to be functioning alcoholics....
You, my dear, have a new life ahead of you. You will miss the familiarity of your marriage, but trust me, in time, there will be benefits to being without him that you never even expected. It will take time for sure - but please know we are here to support you. Hugs.

Thank you cmonge I appreciate that, and that's what I'm trying to do is put it behind me. My husband drinks a lot and it's straight from a hidden bottle. He was verbally abusive for several years and during that time I hid from him, ignored him, hated him and wished him dead. That's no life, and I lost all respect, he has financially been a nightmare for years, and I can't confide in him at all, and for some reason I thought I was going to stay. I'm out and not going back, but it's really hard to give up my home.

Catsden - my husband and I did ok financially but he was immature with saving and it all fell on me to balance budgets and be the finance bad guy. That is one thing I feel really free of now - I know where all my own money goes - no one is spending it on cigarettes or whatever else. Maybe it's a control thing for me, but I feel better off financially on one income than I did before on two - it's crazy because I really feared that - I feared that I would be living on a shoestring, but I guess just being able to make my own choices about spending has freed me. I did go back to work full-time, though too, so that increased my income. Again, you will be surprised in time, how strong you feel. :)

Cmonge, you sound exactly like me. I have had to put my foot down when it comes to credit. When he paid bills we were always in the hole and behind. After I took over our credit went down and the score went up. I have actually saved money since I moved out and I don't very much per week. I'm still trying to keep his credit down because until I do something legally I'll still be responsible for half. I plan to look for a job in June after I've graduated with my associates degree, hopefully that will help me to land a job.