Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
foolmet2wice
This is a long story so I'll abbreviate wherever possible. I've been married for 35 years, no children, 5 dogs. 14 years ago we bought a house on 4 acres with a shop that he turned into his own grooming business. He had been laid off from his second job and worked for a groomer. We'll he never did anything to start his business, I placed all the ads and got us to festivals where he could sell dog beds he made and hand out business cards. 2 year later he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. His health went steadily downhill and I became his nursemaid. Soon after diagnosis he moved to the spare BR because he was afraid to pass anything to me. He joined the Hep C list on DS and got deep into treatment trial possibilities. He met a woman his age with Hep C and started up a phone and text relationship with her. She is twice divorced and ives in a small rental in Sonoma CA, and lonely. I nursed him for 6 years while he was sick then through his incredibly difficult 48 week treatment. I noticed he told me less about his treatment, and, apparently, more to her.
Understand that his business was declining and I had a full time job with benefits which kept a roof over our heads.
The day he found he was virus free, he told her, not me. When I came home from work that day, he was shaking and told me he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me and felt trapped. He was going to move her into our rental house, which was out of the question to me at the time. (The rental has since been sold.) He would talk to her in the carport for hours in the evenings disparaging me within my earshot. His gmail account was open one day and I found that he opened a new paypal account and sent her $700 which she used to fly in to meet him in the area. I found that out when he used the wrong debit card. I called him and I told him to never come back. The next night he called, crying saying he made a big mistake and was coming home, not that night but the next night! He came back but never committed to working on our relationship In fact he said he would move into the rental house with his gf, or would threaten to move to CA from time to time.
Two years went by and I never trusted him and looking back should have seen red lights. He was still in the spare BR and on the phone a lot. This ChristmasI had issues with how he treated a present I gave him and on New Year's eve day he was on the phone outside, I asked him who he was talking to and he just said "I'm moving to Atlanta" where his old folks live. He packed his van with all of his belongings telling me that he would visit his folks, get a storage unit in Atlanta, then drive to California, but would be back "in the area" "soon". He wanted to see if they were compatible before he moved her to SC or GA. He told his mother that this was his last chance to find happiness. (!) He is now living in CA with his gf. She is working, he is waiting for his SS (April) and is being supported by his gf, like he was supported by me. He has fallen into his same routine: While gf is working, he is on the computer all day and has started calling his mom, and even me to kill time. The last time he called me, he chit-chatted like nothing was out of the ordinary. Imagine, calling his wife from his gf's house in CA where he live with and f*cks her just to chat! Meaning he thinks of me as a friend, not a wife. He has said that the treatment fried his brain and he has felt like he's been on LSD since the treatment. He said he's not the same person he used to be. He will not see if there is some kind of medicine to help him or see a therapist. Frankly, I am sick of that excuse.
He left me with 5 dogs, and 4 acres to mow. Evidently, he was able to plan to move for 2 years, but had no plans for the dogs other than I would take care of them. 4 are Borzoi which are bigger and heavier than greyhounds. I cannot pick them up and have no vehicle big enough to transport them to the vet if necessary. He is trying to leave all options open for himself while he tries out his new gf. He acts like I'm his mother and he is 15 years old, not 62.
Understand that his business was declining and I had a full time job with benefits which kept a roof over our heads.
The day he found he was virus free, he told her, not me. When I came home from work that day, he was shaking and told me he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me and felt trapped. He was going to move her into our rental house, which was out of the question to me at the time. (The rental has since been sold.) He would talk to her in the carport for hours in the evenings disparaging me within my earshot. His gmail account was open one day and I found that he opened a new paypal account and sent her $700 which she used to fly in to meet him in the area. I found that out when he used the wrong debit card. I called him and I told him to never come back. The next night he called, crying saying he made a big mistake and was coming home, not that night but the next night! He came back but never committed to working on our relationship In fact he said he would move into the rental house with his gf, or would threaten to move to CA from time to time.
Two years went by and I never trusted him and looking back should have seen red lights. He was still in the spare BR and on the phone a lot. This ChristmasI had issues with how he treated a present I gave him and on New Year's eve day he was on the phone outside, I asked him who he was talking to and he just said "I'm moving to Atlanta" where his old folks live. He packed his van with all of his belongings telling me that he would visit his folks, get a storage unit in Atlanta, then drive to California, but would be back "in the area" "soon". He wanted to see if they were compatible before he moved her to SC or GA. He told his mother that this was his last chance to find happiness. (!) He is now living in CA with his gf. She is working, he is waiting for his SS (April) and is being supported by his gf, like he was supported by me. He has fallen into his same routine: While gf is working, he is on the computer all day and has started calling his mom, and even me to kill time. The last time he called me, he chit-chatted like nothing was out of the ordinary. Imagine, calling his wife from his gf's house in CA where he live with and f*cks her just to chat! Meaning he thinks of me as a friend, not a wife. He has said that the treatment fried his brain and he has felt like he's been on LSD since the treatment. He said he's not the same person he used to be. He will not see if there is some kind of medicine to help him or see a therapist. Frankly, I am sick of that excuse.
He left me with 5 dogs, and 4 acres to mow. Evidently, he was able to plan to move for 2 years, but had no plans for the dogs other than I would take care of them. 4 are Borzoi which are bigger and heavier than greyhounds. I cannot pick them up and have no vehicle big enough to transport them to the vet if necessary. He is trying to leave all options open for himself while he tries out his new gf. He acts like I'm his mother and he is 15 years old, not 62.
love and hugs
kamary
So sorry you are going through this. It amazes me how people can be so self-absorbed and blinded by something they think is better. Most soon learn their trade-off isn't better, just different, it is because THEY aren't different.
Walking away from responsibility is what they do...Find a lwayer, go no contact and best of luck!
As for the Karma bus, we can all only hope. I thought 7 months after my ex left me that it had hit him hard. He got fired from his high paying job of 25 years, but he ended up landing on his feet by marrying his mistress of 6 years (one of his managers) and she has supported his lazy, unemployed a** for 7 years and my alimony became non-existent. Now I deal with adult daughters who favor their father and his family over me. At least your dogs won't hurt you like that.
Getting a really good attorney and therapist are both key. I know from experience. My attorney was a pit bull and I got everything I asked for AND made him PAY for her!
Stay in touch. We're here for you!!
I have a friend who was unable to have kids with her ex, so once they divorced, it was over and she never had to see him or hear anything about him again. She has now been happily married to her second husband for close to 10 years.
I was with my ex for almost 30 years and divorced twice...I didnt want either divorce...I made huge changes to try and build our marriage back together again...we only lasted 3 years before he wanted the 2nd divorce...I was pretty angry. Revenge was high on my list mainly for the fallout with our kids...I mean...twice! I wanted to do terrible things to both my ex and the OW...but didnt. I learned first hand...Karma can do a much better job of justice than I could ever do. So...look after yourself and let the rest go...in time you too will have fun watching the show..Big Hugs...Kathy