As I read your post I was amazed you were doing as well as you are with it. It has to be going thru your mind why with her and not with me? Mine also had a mid life crazy.

But I find I don't really get jealous because I know in my heart what she would be getting he was a liar and a deceiver and a selfish man and that won't change.

I don't know if you are a believer but I take my solace in the fact that I was the marriage Gods Blessing was on and any other relationship will not have the peace of God's will on.

Remember too statiscally all marriages after the first there is never the same fulfillment. ( I think it lacks the blessing of God myself)

You are doing awesome. Remember to he will always have to live with his mistakes and you don't have that burden.

Yes, I also hate that my ex has become the man I wanted him to be for me. Had I trained him for the OW and she was the beneficiary? So maddening. But that anger has slowly lessened as I have filled up my time with things I love doing and finding fulfillment in those activities. Simple things like visiting friends and my kids. Going to a state or National Park. (I bought a year long Parks pass with the intent of visiting some this year) I am getting in touch with old friends from college that I haven't seen in years. Reading some great books. Cleaning, fixing, and improving things around the house. I do things with others or by myself. I make a choice and go for it, discovering what makes me happy without having to consider another person. It's a freeing feeling.

Another thing I am enjoying doing when I am out and about by myself is to play around at connecting with random strangers. I look for things that I can comment on . . . such as "I love your outfit". I have been surprised at the connections that happen. Mostly nothing, but sometimes someone else is also hungry for connection and conversations happen. It has been a fun experiment for me and I walk away from these encounters feeling pretty great! If no connection happens, I decide ahead of time that will be perfectly fine.

Congratulations on making it past the 2 year mark without a thought until later that day. That calls for a celebration! Woot! Woot!

Well, that ex-ass clown has not disappointed me at all. He became a bitter and angry man. More so than before. I have just moved on to a better life. As for them, I would not hold my breath, thinking that they were hit by a lightening bolt of reason and maturity. Their real character will shine through. We all know about the honey moon stage. Just sit back and watch them revert back to their old self. You are barely out of the starting gate, yes it will bother you. It is very normal. I remember when he had a girlfriend, just after we separated and were living apart. Boy did it bother me. But it did not even last a couple of months. I guess, she saw something that made her hightail it. It usually takes 1 year for every 4 years of marriage to really get over it. I did not believe that but it is true. It has been been 8 years for me and I am just really starting to come to a point of I do not care what he does. My friend, you are doing amazingly well, it will take time and hard work to really move on with life. You can do it. hugs

Thanks for the support!!! I do take solace in the fact that deep inside this is not the guy I loved and married... and maybe he never was who I thought... but no matter, the man he is now (truly) is not a man I wanted to grow old with ... I want respect and companionship... not sex and lies! I thought the biker thing would pass as most of his interest... fishing... hunting....golf...etc, all passed... oh,well!
Hate what it has done to my children but know that God has his hands on all of us!!! I did not walk away from the covenant I made with my former husband, God and our family and friends!
THANKS so much....

Big hugs, TXTeacherMoma. I think you're doing great considering you didn't realise it was the anniversary until the day was nearly over! I stopped thinking about anniversaries about 2 years ago. I'm over 6 years out and it bothered me enormous that the ow moved into my house with him recently. I think there will always be those little "why not with me?" questions.

Remember you only see what he wants you to see. People were amazed when we split up. They thought we were the fairy tale couple, but they didn't see what went on behind closed doors.

Your ex had a major mid-life crisis. Mine also got into motorbikes. Not the whole bikie scene but he would spend hours organising a long weekend away with his biker mates, many weekends a year, and for a week at Easter. If I suggested we have a weekend away, he would tell me to do the organising. Again, "why not do it for me?" I couldn't ride because of my neck; I can't wear a helmet and I can't handle the constant holding on and sudden moves. He said girls weren't allowed anyway. Not sure if that was true now that I know about the ow.

Of course this stuff will bother you. There'd be something wrong if it didn't. However, it will hurt less as time goes by, and you find your own life is so much more peaceful and fun.

love and hugs
kamary

Well I just found it SO interesting to read that the ex's of TXTeacher AND Kamary both got into motorcycles, as this was exactly the beginning of the end for my marriage I think! He got his first bike, started taking off on his solitary rides, then got his new "bestie" friend at work ( a guy almost 15 years younger with three kids under 5) into it, and then they started riding together; then it was weekends away trips, and YES the new look, different jeans, beard etc etc. OMG soooooo cliched that if it wasn't so devastating to us all at the time it would be laughable!

The similarities are amazing! Kamary, my ex's first 'longer' trip that he planned with his biker pal was also on Easter weekend! When he told me his plans, I said, well it's kind of a family time for both of you, and "friend" has 3 little kids, surely HIS wife doesn't want him away at Easter. When he replied that 'the wife' didn't care (she's not nor ever was my friend so I never spoke with her) I said 'oh, REALLY? I kind of doubt that. If 'friend' starts taking off on solitary trips with three little kids at home AND over a family/religious holiday time...I give their marriage 5 years'.

Well guess what? Now me and the ex are divorced, and a year later, his younger friend was too. Actually, I sound like I'm validating that I saw the writing on the wall re his friend , but it actually made me sad that it was the ex who got this guy into the motorcycle life and occupied so much of his time and ultimately the friend's family suffered. But not my fault! And I'm willing tp bet that the ex doesn't take a snippet of blame for it either!

TXTeacher, the ex fooled around with a colleague and moved in with her after pretending for a few months after he left me that he was 'finding himself'. He moved in with her when he finally owned up. He always hated our dog, used to shove him with his foot to get the wee guy to move out of his way (super hostile), basically thought that pets were a waste of time and space and money. NOW apparently he and the ex have two dogs, two cats, an aquarium full of fish AND a bird! I laughed my ass off when my son's girlfriend told me this last Christmas time!

Do you REALLY think that he has changed for her? That he is now happy doing all these 'super dad / super boyfriend' activities that he didn't do in his previous life? Honey, he is wearing a cloak of commitment and happiness. It's NOT the real him. His life is superficially happy, I'd bet anything on it! Just you wait honey, the walls will come crumbling down at some point.

The good thing is, by the time he sheds his cloak of lies in his new life you'll be healed and well past caring and you won't even enjoy his downfall because you simply will NOT care! Hugs!

Enjoy you new and very blessed life. You are not missing ANYTHING because whomever your ex has 'become', he was not on that path in your marriage anyway. He veered another way and is trying his
damnedest to play the part. It must be exhausting for him lol!

It is laughable... not in the best taste... but eventually it will be laughable!!! My ex moved directly in with mistress, then moved her into a great new house and wanted to introduce her to the boys within the week! Even though he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce... he was just waiting for me to file... and I most certainly did. I cried a lot of tears getting there and remember the moment I realized that he was emotionally abusive...the words came out of my mouth, "that's abuse"...and then it sank in!!! In reality, I feel a little sorry for them both. You are correct, he is wearing a cloak.... until you are content with and by yourself, you will continue to battle those demons! We were recently together while purchasing a replacement car for oldest and everything he said was like a walk down memory lane .. complete with the "honey" and "baby" and hand on the small of my back and touching my arm and shoulder....it was truly bizarre!!!

Wow, TXTeacher and iammine! How odd that our exes all chose bikes to have their mid-life crises. We actually had bikes much earlier than that, though. We did a long trip together early on, then we had sidecars and took the kids with us until we could no longer squeeze three into the sidecar. Then he got a group together to do a 'paper run' on Sunday mornings while I cooked us all a roast dinner for when they got back. He changed significantly in 1988 and I have my own theories about why - none connected to me or our family. After that, he started organising the longer rides, and the regular long ones with Easter as well began after my health issues kicked in. I know he cheated in 1988 and the ow could have been around since the mid-1990s. He had many opportunities to cheat and came home from conferences with unexpected gifts which is totally out of character for him. One time, he carried a bunch of fresh daffodils all the way home on a 3hr flight and 3hr drive! No one does that unless the guilt is huge.

Anyway, yes, the bikes became an escape for him, and then it was old open sportscars which were also too rough for me to ride in.

TX, I was aware that my ex was verbally abusive but it didn't dawn on me that he was emotionally abusive until I had counselling for suicide after my girls estranged from me immediately after the divorce went through. I was telling the counsellor what my marriage was like, and he didn't have to say it. All of a sudden, I realised that what I was describing was severe emotional neglect and abuse. The counsellor simply agreed. That left me in shock for a while. I couldn't really believe it at first.

I think when we marry young, we don't have enough life experience to realise that sometimes what happens in our marriages is not right. Even when I did say something to my then h about how he treated me, he would say I was imagining things, or I was too sensitive - what I now know to be gaslighting - and it worked. I swallowed it hook line and sinker. So naiive.

But not any more, hey? We're learning quick.

TX, I hope you don't mind if I say what I'm thinking about that walk down memory lane? I'm sorry but I don't think it's good for you to let your ex touch you like that and talk like you're still together. He no longer has that right, and it's hard for you to heal when that happens. He's being disrespectful of you. If you like it and it doesn't upset you, just ignore me.

love and hugs
kamary

Oh, Kamary, no worries!!! He gave up the right to touch me in any shape form or fashion or to call me any pet name he used while we were married (his fiancee would certainly have a fit if she knew). Someone said they thought he was just habit... I disagree... he only did it when no one else would see or hear. He gave up those rights on April 11, 2013! He is getting married in a few weeks.....so I think the trip down memory lane was related to that! And I totally agree... it is NOT a trip I care to take! It was interesting to see the nice part of the man I knew 20 yrs ago! (his fiancee was texting him constantly during the time!!!

I love all these posts...talking about who your ex was THEN and who he is now. And, Jenny...I agree...

<<I don't know if you are a believer but I take my solace in the fact that I was the marriage Gods Blessing was on and any other relationship will not have the peace of God's will on.

Remember too statiscally all marriages after the first there is never the same fulfillment. ( I think it lacks the blessing of God myself)>>


When my ex was married to me, he was a workaholic, corporate executive...respected by all...even me. He is now married to the OW who used to work for him and now he's a housewife and she supports him! He never changed like many of the rest of yours...no motorcycle...none of that. He just "checked out", lived his double life with the OW (unbeknownst to everyone) and emotionally and mentally abused me for 7 years. I didn't even know I was being "abused" because I'd never heard of anything but physical abuse. All I knew was that he was unfeeling and not caring what I thought or felt and there was a "wall" between us. He wasn't one to talk, so he never said a word. To the world, he always remained a good person...good to his parents, his co-workers, etc...just not to me. My counselor was the one who got me to recognize the "abuse". He was a depressed, lonely man who was ignoring his wife and was never home. The only clue I had was when I found him in the bathroom one day depressed and he told me he felt lonely and sad every day of his life. The other time was once he asked me, "Did you ever ask ME if I was happy?" I didn't know I was supposed to have to ASK! He is a quiet man and as DD29 said once, "Dad HAS no feelings." Oh, yes he did...he just kept them hidden away until he told me he was divorcing me....telling me "we were just too different" - which is what he also told our daughters along with the old phrase, "We grew apart." Whatever. I remember chatting with a man online on a dating site who said that's why he and his ex-wife divorced after 30 years and I knew right then and there I would never meet him. Such bs.

So, nope...no bikes my ex...just neglecting and hurting the one person who loved him the most. Because he's non-emotional, it was easy for our daughters to believe his bs and buy into it. And, although they find out later about the OW, it was like they didn't care. I know my oldest though wasn't real happy that he was marrying someone they'd never met. My older 2 lived out of state, so never met the OW until the day he married her. It did upset my oldest that he never even mentioned the OW until the had set a date. My lawyer was the one to tell me that eventually, when enough appropriate time had passed, that the OW woman would appear and that's exactly what happened. But, my youngest found out a year after we separated (through a friend) that indeed, her father and this woman had had an affair, so then all my daughters knew, but didn't seem to care. They all like her and think she's a good person...which, like the ex, I suppose she is...to the world.

Anyway, the one thing I noticed immediately at my DD29's wedding last year was how affectionate he was with his wife...something he NEVER was with me although I was with HIM. That was a little hard to see. My DD23 told me a few years back that her best friend said once how nice it was to be around her father after the divorce because he was so "happy". When he was married to me, he was a quiet, angry, negative man who periodically drank too much and belittled me. So, I totally hear you all about why couldn't he be that happy man with me? Any more, I just look at it this way. I just wasn't the right woman for him. He always got along with people more like himself and who he had a lot in common with. Apparently, our children, our home, our history together wasn't enough "in common" for him.

Whew!!! Yuck!!! Ick!!! Do you ever look back and think "what was I thinking?"....how did I get to the point that I let him treat me that way? I do truly hope that he can be content with his new life. I say "content" because I think that comes from within while "happy" comes from outside. When I look all the way back, it seems he had always had those tendencies but it wasn't until the last10 yrs or so that the withdrawl began... the connection that should have been growing as we raised children and create a world together... it just never happened!

TXTeacher:
My therapist told me that the majority of these runaway husbands run away BECAUSE it's easier to "start over" than it is to be totally honest with themselves AND THEIR PARTNER. It's a way for them to escape their own reality -- that being, that by the time men reach a certain "age" they are probably at the top of their game career-wise, just about to become empty-nesters, and they are beginning the long, slow physical decline that comes with age. For some odd reason, they believe if they change-up partners (usually for someone younger) the clock will stand still for them -- OR go backward. Such folly!

Mine ran off with a woman who was actually OLDER than me and absolutely couldn't hold a candle to me in ANY way, shape or form. THAT lasted for about a year after the divorce was finally final. Then she dumped him and moved on to her next victim.

I learned last summer that he had actually remarried in 2013 -- to a woman only a tad younger than myself who he'd only known for a short time. He sold his house and moved to another state with her -- something he swore he'd never do. My sources have informed me that he didn't really have any friends left in the area; they were all pretty well disgusted with him for how he ended OUR marriage, so I guess he really went slinking away. Too bad. So sad. I don't wish him any ill will, but even our 28-year old niece said, "It will be interesting to see how long it lasts."

It takes a pretty good while to truly move beyond divorce. Somewhere it says it takes ONE YEAR for every 4 or 5 years of the marriage to truly get over it and beyond it. I will say it took me the full amount of time. But I didn't put my life on hold; I moved on gradually. I'm well beyond the point of forgiveness and back to indifference -- a good place to be. You'll get there. Just be gentle with yourself and take your sweet old time. xoxox

"....should I be further along in this process.... should this stuff still bother me? "

Hi TXTeacher. There's a phrase I learned from a wise and kind nun, a dear friend of mine. She was leading a woman's retreat, on forgiveness of all things, and someone suggested we should do something or another. This sweet, wonderful woman stood in front of the gathering and said, "Do not "should" on me." She went on to explain how many ways that word can be used to control, harm and abuse ourselves and others.

I'm taking it a step further. Please repeat after me: "I will not 'should' on you, do not 'should' on me, and we will stop 'shoulding' on ourselves." It's a wonderful mantra for people on a journey such as ours.

Where we are is where we are supposed to be right now. And when it's time, we will be in a different place/state. Be gentle with yourself. I would be hurt seeing my wasband be the spouse I wanted for someone else too, but keep reminding yourself that he wasn't the spouse you deserve. You deserve better and that just isn't going to come from him.

Funny enough, it wasn't another woman after the divorce that got what I wanted. He went and fixed up our house exactly the way I had planned to from the day we bought it. Got rid of the ratty carpet, down to hardwood floors, new tile and cabinets in the kitchen...... Oh well.

Startingover, remember he only shows the world the good. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors - or do you? Please don't be so quick to believe what you see.

My ex was also a workaholic salesman, respected by all. He rarely showed his true self in public, though after we separated, I met several people who he had treated badly and they told me their stories. One of them knew about the ow but I didn't believe them when they said my ex was having an affair because I hadn't even considered it! He also wanted to say "we had grown apart", used PA to keep me quiet about the way he treated me, and revealed the OW a respectable time after our separation,square in the middle of our settlement negotiations, when he knew it would have the most devastating effect on my clarity of thought.

I don't think they change at all. They just want the world (especially us) to believe they have. I recently heard that my ex is seeing a psychiatrist. About time. I doubt it will make any difference to him.

love and hugs
kamary

TXTeacher, I have asked myself how did I let my ex treat me the way he did. I think in the early days, it was because I was too young and naiive (also living overseas far from my family and friends) and I didn't recognise red flags. I fronted him on his drinking and how he would neglect me when he was drinking, and he did cut back on the daily drinks, but the neglect of me when he drank a lot, went on until the day I left. The trouble was I loved him and was willing to put up with the bad to have the good back then, I guess. And then slowly, he did more bad things which I again chose to let go in favour of the good. I guess it was just one bad decision after another, always letting my love for him keep me there, and eventually, he did whatever he liked no matter what I said or how it effected me, and it was time to go.

love and hugs
kamary