I also agree with Hurtin...just be careful your not being played. I believe that if there is even the slightest chance a marriage can be saved...its worth the effort and time to try. I support you in your hope...but at the same time...dont let your hope blind you to the truth...the truth will show itself fairly quickly providing your willing to see it. Big Hugs and I wish you all the best in your efforts...Kathy

Of course she wants to slow things down with the divorce and just keep it as a separation. Since her confessions, idea is motivated from her not having a commitment from the OP. Like I've said in an earlier post, " she'll drag this out for as long as she can. Sounds like she's got some strings but nothing permanent. She wants to be a roommate and not a wife." The bottom line is, she wants the FREEDOM to wait for the OP's promise of a future.

Make no illusion separation plans has risks. Legal separations has a sole purpose to legally keep the marital status in name ONLY. In truth, separation may buy you time but it's final purpose serves you nothing to gain by means of marital roles, especially if you wish and hope to keep it. In other words, although being very candid as an adult, usually separation is often for the purpose to allow one the goal to pursue sexual intimacy . Surely, she won't say that but unspoken intentions may undermine your hopes and expectations.

Please discuss with your lawyer your rights in legal separation. Think of separation as a form of financial business between you and her. Her personal performance is out of the equation and you may not require or demand any changes other than child provisions. You may be allowed to enforce financial boundaries if opposite sex has slept over night are examples of what controls you have.

I know where you are coming from. I made a huge effort to save my marriage. I was thrilled when my EX made the appointment and actually went to the marriage counseling. In the end it was just so he could say he tried. It was for show. That is how he rolls. Everything can be rotten to the core on the inside but the outside must look good to family, friends, neighbors and strangers.

I am agree with the others to not try this without putting down boundaries to protect yourself. If there is no initiative on her part to do anything aside from being a roommate then what are the chances of success.

Good luck

My ex and I when we married, in 1980, made an agreement that if we ever wanted to split up or had some issues, we would go to counseling, he kept that promise. We went for a long time, and our therapist is the one that suggested that we separate and we did, he moved out at the end of 2003.. he was back in 6 weeks. Unfortunately that was not the end of it... we did eventually divorce. I have never thought that counseling was not a good idea, we went individually, and we together. I believe that for me, it really did help me, as nothing was unsaid or left hanging between us. I also and so did he, owned what we wrong and what we did right. That may be why I am where I am today, Not all marriages divorce because of infidelity, and I am tired of arguing with those who say it is, anyone can look up credible statistics to show otherwise. My heart goes out to anyone who has that pain, but some survive that also.

There are many many people that go to joint counseling and do reconcile and do not divorce. This board is a bit one sided, we are all divorced and or in the process. Unfortunately the ones that do not divorce, who did come here and post for awhile, move on and we never hear from again, as is should be. Not to give you false or over optimistic hope, but it does happen. Counseling can never hurt if someone is willing to go. Counseling is counseling.. and for some it works. I wish you the best, and remember that some people never ever get over the divorce and for some, here and otherwise, they believe divorce is inevitable in all situations. Hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst, and either way, divorced or not, doing counseling may not hurt. The best to you.

I agree that if both parties in a marriage TRULY want the marriage to work, then they both need to go to counseling and really work on the marriage. In my case, my x "didn't believe in counseling" and would not go after several times of me asking throughout our 25 years together. I knew there was no hope of our situation getting any better because he wouldn't take responsiblity for his part in the problems. The motive for going to counseling and staying in the marriage are very important. As my counselor would say, "what is your gut telling you about this?" If your gut is telling you that your wife is truly vested in saving the marriage then by all means do it.

i wish you the best. men sometimes forget that we do need attention

After reading what rbsingle1959 wrote I thought about what you wrote in your reply#5: I will overwhelm her with my love like I use to.

Just want to give you a heads up and let you know that women are very complicated. What we like now is not what we liked before. That old saying about it being a woman's prerogative is said in part joking but it is true. So don't just rely on doing what worked in the past or when you were dating each other. Do some research. find out what she is interested in and use it to either have conversations about or something to do together. Find out what speaks love to her. Just because you might like having your favorite meal cooked for you doesn't mean she would equate that as love. There is a really good book (don't worry, you can read it in one day) called the 5 love Languages. I highly recommend it.

Wishing you all the best. Would love to have someone in this group rebuild their marriage and stay together. I still want you to be careful though.

HealingT, thank you for your perspective and as I said in my post (and in MOST of my posts on the topic of counseling) I am always clear in that the now-X always REFUSED to get into counseling or therapy for any reason throughout the course of our 30 year relationship -- and FOR THE RECORD -- his act of infidelity (which occurred at the very end of our marriage) was, to the best of my knowledge, the ONLY one.

There is nothing wrong with holding on to HOPE, but as the Monsignor of our local Catholic Church advised me, "There comes a time when you will have to give up hope when faced with a hopeless situation." His words still resonate with me. When only one person wants to salvage the marriage, there isn't much hope to hang on to.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with hurtinand and iquitnow... Be careful! My STBX tried the scramble to save things yet I knew he was still seeing ow.

I wish you the best but do caution you to guard your feelings somewhat and take it slow... If she does not go to counselling it does not sound hopeful. A dear friend of mine waited 3 years for his wife to come back. He said there was a therory that this amount of time was prime for reuniting. I am not sure of anything but he is with his wife again after her infidelity. Be good to yourself!!
Cheryl

".....men [ we're not gender specific ] sometimes forget that we do need attention" ????? I hope this statement doesn't point any fingers to gocubbies that some lack of attention has anything to do with his wife's cheating and abrasive denouncement . As a matter fact, he is the one who had been deprived of attention !!!!! Remember, it's his wife who spent her energy on the damn cell and claims her new beloved. What worries me the most, his wife has not expressed any remorse nor made any expressions of wanting to reestablish marital connections.

Just how high has the man got to jump to get through her head. But then again, some of us HAS jumped through many of hoops trying to get our ex's head back on straight. Much later, to find that they wanted their freedom. So, yes, counseling might quickly draw out her intentions. It may be the needed task to know what new steps to take.

hurrtin said it very well. I am giving my H a secound chance, I was the one who wanted out after 38yrs. Neither one of us ever cheated. He has made a big effort to be the person he was when we married. BUT i still have all the papers I need, a stash of money for a lawyer and am on this site. We women plan, when not totaly blindsided.
So be careful and remember you might of been an @#$# but she cheated. Just my opinon.


Hugs and Hope

I don't know gocubbies situation, it's just that when I read that comment about needing attention it reminded me of all the years I was neglected. My EX thought sex was attention......it wasn't the attention I needed or wanted. He (gocubbies) expressed wanting to give it his best shot so I thought I would give him some advice is all. Im sorry if it sounded as though I was blaming him for his wife cheating. My EX was the cheater in my marriage and I have always believed cheating was a selfish act and that no one can drive anyone to cheat. I think I wrote that on another thread within the past week.

My apologies gocubbies. Hope I didn't insult you.