Have you two considered counseling? Is she still seeing the other man?

Gocubbies, I like your quote and I bet your wife loved the roses.

I think you're right. One of the reasons I decided to leave my ex was because he put everything else in front of me and our relationship. I didn't want him all over me and not having a life of his own. I would have felt loved if he chose to spend some time with me and if he had treated me as though he loved me and cared about me.

The truth was that he didn't love me, Gocubbies, which is very different to your situation. He had already had at least one affair, and now I know he was having another one when I decided to go, which isn't a good sign.

Please tread carefully.

One thing: I'd be wanting to know that when she says she wants separation, she means 'with an intent to work at reconciliation', preferably with a marriage counsellor.

I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you.

love and hugs
kamary

I'm wishing you all the best.

I too am wishing you all the best and I fully understand what you are saying. I stayed too long on hope that didn't work out. I hope this works for you.

My next step will be to try and seek counseling with her if she's willing. It's going to take time. I am already getting a letter with another quote and sending it to her. I gotta try. I will overwhelm her with my love like I use to.

This is just me but once i heard the words"i love someone else" I could never in a million years go back.
All the counseling in the world would have never fixed that betrayal.
Can you live with that? Didn't you say she loves someone else? I understand in a long term marriage a one night stand could happen once and even be worked through but a real full blown affair? For me it would never work.

Best of luck -- a willingness to try is the first step. My stbx decided independently that he was done with our marriage and I could never get him to agree to try to reconnect. I hope it goes well for you.

Best of luck -- a willingness to try is the first step. My stbx decided independently that he was done with our marriage and I could never get him to agree to try to reconnect. I hope it goes well for you.

I sincerely hope you both go into counseling. Good communication is a "start", and believe me it is essential in repairing a relationship.

Best of luck to you.

I'm not trying to put a downer on how you feel, but I caution you to be careful.

Remember, she is the person who wanted to know if she could wait until the kids graduate in four years before you divorced. Now she wants just a separation and to be friends. Is she going to give up her lover and stop talking/texting other men? This is where counseling will be very important.

Keep in mind that you are still hurt and emotionally vulnerable. I hate to sound pessimistic, but a separation and being friends with her continuing to see other men is not in your best interest. Tell her she needs to end all contact with other men and have total transparancy to re=establish trust. I just fear that this separation and being friends is simply her original request (waiting to divorce until kids graduate) in disguise. You are emotionally fragile right now and may be thinking she still loves you and that the marriage has a chance. Be careful!! Many a cheater has come back home claiming he/she still loves the betrayed spouse and wanted a second chance. What they really want is to be able to have their cake and eat it too. They typically don't end the affair, they just go "underground" and hide it more effectively. This allows them to manipulate the situation to their favor---as in hiding assets, waiting til kids are all grown so child support and visitation are not an issue, etc.

Go to marriage counseling, but if she resists, I think you know her true intent.

Again, not trying to be a downer. I just don't want to see you strung along and hurt worse.

Hugs.

Hurtinandhealin beat me to the punch on this one.

John, I see red flags all over the place with this -- she is "baiting" you -- and you are still so emotionally upset, you are now doing the classic "idolization" thing that is part of the grieving process.

Wanting to remain "friends" for the sake of the kids is a ruse often used to manipulate. I don't know of ANY divorced couples who actually remained friends -- although after a time (many years) they are at least able to be cordial with each other.

Every book I read on the subject of separation and divorce said the same thing -- you can't just go from being a married couple to being friends overnight. It just doesn't happen that way. Perhaps, with time, it's possible, but this woman has just ripped your heart out and stomped all over it -- and out of the other side of her mouth, she wants to "just be separated" and "be friends"? I don't think so.

I also suspect that your wife has also gotten a shot of financial reality and somehow has figured out that she can't just abandon the marriage and expect you to foot the entire bill for her independence. From where I sit, she's definitely a "cake eater" and is playing you for a fool. Don't be duped!

My advice to you is this: IF she will agree to get into INTENSIVE MARRIAGE THERAPY with you, then there might be a chance. The caveat to that is that she must also GIVE UP THE OTHER MAN. No talking, no texting, no emailing -- like Hurtinandhealin said she must be TOTALLY TRANSPARENT. She broke the vow of trust, therefore it is HER RESPONSIBILITY to REBUILD IT.

YOUR responsibility in this (if she agrees to get into marriage therapy with you) is to take the hard line - set the boundaries and KEEP THEM -- make her toe the line. That's a mighty tall order, but trust me, SHE is the one who has to prove herself to you again. Rebuilding trust is probably the most difficult thing in a relationship. I wish you well, but also urge you to take some time to reconsider all the pieces of this puzzle before you agree to ANYTHING.

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Cowgirl Kathi and Hurtin are right on with their advice. As much as you want this to work, you have to protect yourself emotionally, mentally and financially. My x wanted to stay and "be friends" until our son graduated from high school. I told him that was not an option, and it wasn't going to work for me. Two days later I told him he needed to pack his stuff and leave, and he moved into his mother's basement where he has been ever since. The point is things wouldn't have changed between us. The relationship was broken and unbalanced, and I was unwilling to live with someone who only wanted to use me and my hone as a safe place to fall at the end of the day. Really think about where this situation is heading., and know that I truly pray for the very best for you!
Hugs,
T.

I personally feel some relationships can be saved. I tried to save mine but it takes two to get in the mess and it takes both to try to save it. Both have to own up to their side of the situation that made it a mess and work together to fix it. I agree with the others that marriage counseling is necessary.
Hope is a good thing to hang on to, you just need to realize that sometimes it is beyond our control when you are depending on someone else to create your happiness.
Over the years, I've realized I'm responsible for my own happiness, not anyone else. My STBX isn't a horrible person, he and I just grew apart and he's unable to give me what I desire. I may b naive but I think he and I can be friends when its all said and done. only time will tell.

oops, I hit reply too quick....
good luck, and remember keep your happiness in focus while trying to hang on to that hope

My3zjm makes a good point about being responsible for our own happiness. I say that all the time around here. And the deal with marriage counseling is also true BUT both parties have to be willing to do it in a very honest forum. The now-X would NEVER go to counseling of any kind -- either by himself or with me. That said a lot over the years -- primarily that I was the only one who was really willing to put forth any effort to make our relationship better. Oh well. Too bad so sad for him. My New Life is 1,000 times better than that old one was -- even on its best day! Yours will be, too.