I have no more anger toward stbx. I have forgiven him and given his care to God. I wonder if he was even
a human. Looking back there were so many things that should have clued me in. My therapist thinks he is
a sociopath, no feelings for any other human being. He does love his dogs. I think because he can't love
a human being. But I still miss the home and the lifestyle I had. I could never go back to living like that.
Being treated like a non human. Never spoken to or treated with respect.

I have been working on forgiveness for quite awhile. I've made the decision to forgive my ex and the OW and I pray daily for God's grace to fully forgive, but it hasn't taken all the negative feelings away. Although the intense feelings of anger and resentment are long gone, I still feel sad and at times a little angry or hurt. Does this mean I haven't forgiven? Is forgiveness a decision we make or is it a feeling? How do you know if you've truly forgiven?

Good for you Moscato. The sadness may linger for quite sometime...sadness is a sign of mourning...you need to do that...divorce after many years is truly a sad event...very much like a death. I still have sadness, hurt and a little anger from time to time...today was one of those days...its not so much about him...its more about the fallout. All you can do is ride with it and allow it to work itself out and it almost always does. Those feelings of intense anger and resentment..the kind that is always just under the surface waiting to erupt...those are the ones that kill the soul...those are the emotions forgiveness releases. Since they are long gone...you have answered your own question...Big Hugs and lots of love...Kathy

Moscato, I think it's pretty normal to still feel sad and sometimes a little angry and hurt. This coming August will mark TEN YEARS since the Day of Devastation and in March, I will be divorced 8 years. I have an interesting life and really challenged myself when I sold the farm I had owned for 25 years and moved 1,100 miles away. Life is good! But there are still moments when I remember things about the marriage -- those years WERE mostly good -- and I feel sad. But I realize that it takes TWO people working really hard and being fully committed to make a marriage last. I was in the marriage all by myself for longer than I ever imagined, yet I didn't realize it at the time. Now I know.

The old adage about it taking 1 year for every 4 or 5 years of a marriage to fully move beyond divorce are absolutely true. It doesn't mean you have to put your whole life on hold for that amount of time. It's a process. For me, forgiveness was a major forward step. But like all the other steps and stages, you can't force them along. There is (unfortunately) no magic bullet; no shortcut. Like dairytech says "all you can do is ride with it and allow it to work itself out."

Sending you positive thoughts!
xoxo

I think of forgiveness more like acceptance and I'm not completely there yet but I'm getting closer every day.

I accept what he did to me and our family is a reflection of his poor character and has nothing to do with me. I accept that his affair is in the past and it no longer hurts me. I accept that sometimes things happen even when we don't want them to but that is life and it's our job not to let those bad things define us.

Very occasionally when something bad happens in relationship to the ex, I secretly wish him ill will but for the most part that has become more of a footnote, especially as he gains more footnote status in my life.

I very much look forward to the day when I've reached full acceptance and don't have those fleeting moments of anger towards him.

I don't imagine wishing him well and I most certainly will maintain "no contact" which I established coming up on a year now. Just because you reach acceptance/forgiveness, it in no way means you need to keep in contact with that person. I got burned because I didn't recognize he was a shark wearing a person suit. I'm not gonna serve the shark some chum on a silver platter! For my own self preservation I am staying away but I think you can still forgive/accept under those circumstances.

It's a process starting over but you will get there eventually.

lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Starting over - if that conversation with your daughter ever comes up again - just tell her - "Because I don't want to be around people who lie and cheat. They aren't my friends and never will be."

You may forgive, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to them ever again. If you forgive and wish well, that's enough. You don't need to share holidays. Weddings are going to be enough! LOL

Thanks KRK. I totally agree!

Neverceases.. everything you wrote I totally agree with. Acceptance and forgiveness apparently came long ago. The pain is long gone, but as dairytech said, it's the fallout" from the divorce that I continue to struggle with.

What I feel for my ex is apathy...no feelings at all, one way or the other. It is the actions of my children due to the divorce that hurt me and that's on THEM, not him.