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I don't really know anyone on any other boards, but feel free to tell me if there is a better place to post this. Apologies for the length...
I have a 17 year old girl living with my family. She has been our babysitter for the last 2 years and she has become close with our family. A month or so ago, her mom lost her house and this girl needed a place to live so she could finish school. She's a junior, so she's got to finish out the year and she's got another year of school left. I don't know if her mom is even actively looking for a new place, or what. Her mom is a bit of a flake.
Our babysitter is somewhat independent because her mom and stepdad have been on and off drugs all of her life. She's had to learn to look out for herself. She felt that she needed to know God and goes to a Christian church. My family is Christian as well, but we go to another church. None of this has ever posed a problem. Our babysitter is very involved in her church and I've liked that because she says she is a "Jesus Freak" and I felt like she had some good morals.
The other day, she said she was going to go for a walk with a boy. She said she was going to walk to the corner and meet him at the gas station. I felt weird about her just leaving.like that and meeting someone at the gas station, so I told her that he should at least come to the house. She acted weird about it and said her mom wouldn't care if she just left, so she didn't know why I would care. Anyway, the boy came to the house but she just hurried outside to go for a walk with him. She came back a couple of hours later and told me she walked with him to his house, and that his mom was there. She said they went downstairs and told his mom they were going to watch a movie, but they ended up having sex. She doesn't even really know this boy and she says she doesn't even really like him. She doesn't even know why she had sex with him, she just did. She doesn't seem to feel remorse about it or anything, she just acted like "whatever" about it.
So, I don't know what to do in this situation. She is acting like it is no big deal and at first she told me not to tell my husband because she thought he'd want to kick her out. I don't keep secrets from my husband though and I told her I'd have to tell him. She said okay, and I told him and he just wanted to stay out of it unless she kept doing it or started bringing people into our house or something. I just don't know what my place is here. Should I talk to her mom about it? That seems like a betrayal of trust because she told me as a friend. I told her I was pretty hurt and disappointed that she put me in that situation and she didn't seem to care about that either. I realize she's only 17, though, so life revolves around her and nobody else. I just thought she had better standards than that and I was somewhat shocked about it. This boy doesn't live far from here, what if I leave her to babysit and she has him over? I feel like I can't trust her. And, if she is living in my house and gets pregnant or gets a disease, I'm going to feel somewhat responsible... I'm just not sure what to do here.
I have a 17 year old girl living with my family. She has been our babysitter for the last 2 years and she has become close with our family. A month or so ago, her mom lost her house and this girl needed a place to live so she could finish school. She's a junior, so she's got to finish out the year and she's got another year of school left. I don't know if her mom is even actively looking for a new place, or what. Her mom is a bit of a flake.
Our babysitter is somewhat independent because her mom and stepdad have been on and off drugs all of her life. She's had to learn to look out for herself. She felt that she needed to know God and goes to a Christian church. My family is Christian as well, but we go to another church. None of this has ever posed a problem. Our babysitter is very involved in her church and I've liked that because she says she is a "Jesus Freak" and I felt like she had some good morals.
The other day, she said she was going to go for a walk with a boy. She said she was going to walk to the corner and meet him at the gas station. I felt weird about her just leaving.like that and meeting someone at the gas station, so I told her that he should at least come to the house. She acted weird about it and said her mom wouldn't care if she just left, so she didn't know why I would care. Anyway, the boy came to the house but she just hurried outside to go for a walk with him. She came back a couple of hours later and told me she walked with him to his house, and that his mom was there. She said they went downstairs and told his mom they were going to watch a movie, but they ended up having sex. She doesn't even really know this boy and she says she doesn't even really like him. She doesn't even know why she had sex with him, she just did. She doesn't seem to feel remorse about it or anything, she just acted like "whatever" about it.
So, I don't know what to do in this situation. She is acting like it is no big deal and at first she told me not to tell my husband because she thought he'd want to kick her out. I don't keep secrets from my husband though and I told her I'd have to tell him. She said okay, and I told him and he just wanted to stay out of it unless she kept doing it or started bringing people into our house or something. I just don't know what my place is here. Should I talk to her mom about it? That seems like a betrayal of trust because she told me as a friend. I told her I was pretty hurt and disappointed that she put me in that situation and she didn't seem to care about that either. I realize she's only 17, though, so life revolves around her and nobody else. I just thought she had better standards than that and I was somewhat shocked about it. This boy doesn't live far from here, what if I leave her to babysit and she has him over? I feel like I can't trust her. And, if she is living in my house and gets pregnant or gets a disease, I'm going to feel somewhat responsible... I'm just not sure what to do here.
All this is trauma to a child. And to be honest, you don't know what else is in her past. So all this is leading to her being reckless with her body because she does not know what healthy boundaries are.
You've done such an honorable thing by letting this girl live in your house. And I can understand the dilemma in that you feel like you WANT to give her what she needs, rules, guidelines, boundaries, but that your not her mom, and she knows that and will throw it in your face.
But i'm with PhoenixKitten, by showing her warmth and understanding, you can help her know that you ARE on her side. By telling her that you care about her wellbeing, that you don't want anything bad to happen to her, and that even though her mom isn't living with you, you do feel that some rules are needed.
And to be honest, I would help her to consider counseling. She will probably reject the idea, cause she's not "crazy", but it's simply about helping her, because it must have been very hard for her during her childhood, and probably is right now, that she's not living with her mom.
I hope your situation gets better, and I feel for you, you are not in an easy situation at all. But showing her compassion, with keeping rules that you feel are necessary, it will be what she truly needs, even if she doesn't realize it.
But please, try to get her some help.. these are symptoms of a much larger problem, one she will be very confused about until she works out her feelings with someone professional that can truly walk her through this.
Good luck
Thanks for your help!
If you decide to continue letting her live with you until the end of school, consider drafting a contract and having her sign it. The rules in it of your choosing, i.e., no leaving the house after nine p.m. (not meaning that if she goes out at seven she has to be home by nine, but just not starting her night after nine), no boys in the house without you being there, no exposing your child to anyone you have not approved, stuff like that.
She needs sex education, and self-esteem counseling.
Good luck!
I'd talk to her, let her know some things are important to you that she needs to understand, and probably suggest she connect with a pastor at her church regarding the extra support she may need during this difficult adjustment time. Losing your place to live is huge, HUGE, huge.
I suppose the other important question is whether or not this is something God has for you. You know the Scriptures, you know the drill. Pray and wait, seek His face, fight the good fight.
Finally, let me think about those who have lived with me over the years. J for two years, V for nearly two years, C twice for a few months each time, T for a month, but in fairness to you, my kids were out of the house by then. I believe in God opening doors so you are in the middle of a test that has opportunity to enlarge both of your worlds. Blessings to you.
She is in a new place, with new rules, with stability. She does not know what that is. Most schools would have let her finish out the school year. Moving is not going to kill the girl. There is something going on with that girls mother. Just guide here like you would one of your other friends. She is a woman now and deserves to know the truth. The girl should be the one to tell her mother so if she is going to be sexually active her mother can help her get protection.
You said she was "like,whatever" about the experience. Sadly, many young people don't attach much significance to sex nowadays.
If you're allowing this girl to live with you, you DO have some responsibility for her and you DO have the right to set rules, boundaries and limits for her. But at 17, she is old enough to rebel and do whatever she wants to. She doesn't consider herself a child, even though legally she still is. If necessary, tell her that if she wants to remain in your house, she must accept your guidance or find somewhere else to live. Let her know this is a good deal for her, being with you. You care about her. She could end up being somewhere, or with someone, who doesn't.