Hi all

I have been subscribed for a while, but never really took an active part here. But that will all be changing. So appologies in advance as you will ALL be sick of me soon hehe

I wanted to use this tread, if that is ok, to keep a kind of blog of my diet. It would help me to just put the thoughts and feelings out there. I do not want everyone to respond all the time (though feel free to talk and chat away in the tread), I just really think an outlet would help me through what will be a tough two starting weeks for me

So here goes..............

291.8

Strange number to me, means nothing to you, but it is a number I will remember for the rest of my life. So what does it mean?

The number of miles I get from a tank of fuel?

The cost of a months shopping for a family of 4?

17.08215443 squared? (This is a correct though not the right answer for this)

Well..

It is (or should I say WAS) my weight on 1st April 2009 at 05:15

Hmmpff

I knew I was fat, my clothes were telling me that for along time. The rails of un-wearable jeans, the sacks of un-fastenable shirts. The t-shirts that never needed ironing, because they were so tight, it did the job. The struggle I had to actually buy some trousers that fit me

Outside things were telling me. The squash to sit on a seat on the train (especially when someone sat next to me), or any other chair for that matter

MY BODY was telling me. The huffing and puffing, the masses of sweat my clothes soaked up after I had walked from the train station. The tiredness. The lack of meaningful brain function. The fact I had not made love with my wife for over two years (my unconscious thoughts of loathing and disgust at my self, my self image and self worth, and nothing to do with her)

Yip, all the signs were pointing in one direction. But for the longest time, I was looking the other way

I could never make the connection between it all. I would go on a diet for a couple of days, but think why? And get a bag of fish and chips. I kidded myself that the box of cereal I was eating in a day was ok, because I was not really having anything else (except the all-day breakfast sandwich from my local coffee store (and the caramel shortbread)). The two or three bars of chocolate I was eating every day. They were all ok because I was drinking diet coke, skinny late, skimmed and semi skimmed milk

I could think of any excuse. I will start next week. My medication was stopping me (for depression). Too much going on at the moment, let me get past this and I will be good to go. I was good at that, passing the buck along onto something else. This was the connection I would not let myself make. And thinking about it now, I still do not know why

I guess it has something to do with the fact I was bullied at secondary school, day in and day out, from the 1st day to the last. I know that this has affected me psychologically, hence why I am on medication now. But I still cant make a physical connection. I talk it through in my head, reason it, tell myself it, but its like yeahh whatever

But I am not doing this to go through all the past as such, though I may ramble to it at some time or another, but more of a looking forward to get MY life back

So what finally made me do it? I think it was the fact my wifes current job is being made redundant, and realising I had had my head in the sand for a LOT of years with finances, and what a mess we were in. This made me look at everything really, and then I saw it

BOOM

There it was

That was a few weeks ago. But of course my immediate reaction had been to reach for the food, and I did. With a vengeance. Then about a week ago, I think the faint little flicker of a light finally started to shin through the cloud that is my mind. A little beacon of hope raised its head and whispered now is the time (Melodramatic I know, but that is what it felt like)

So I started to research some diets on the internet. I know I am the kind of person who needs something very physical in my life when I do something. Like the time I quit smoking, I needed to use the patches to help me. I am SO black and white

I knew that just following something like Weight Watchers would not work for me. I had done Slimfast for 2 days before, that sucked. BUT I liked the idea of the drink/soup/bars etc, that fitted with my need for a physical thing. My best dietary experience, the easiest to follow, was a full blown Atkins plan. That had lost me 3st in 3 months. BUT all the rich food I had eaten then, well my digestive system does not like it now

Thinking through it, I remember the low carb thing was good for me. After the initial few days of headaches and hunger, my body got used to the ketosis state the diet put me in, and I stopped thinking about food all the time, stopped being hungry, and to be honest, my Atkins time made me feel better than I had been sine I can remember. My body would then be burning the fat to live, instead of sugars

So I wanted some kind of mesh of the two, but found nothing. The when I was in a pharmacy getting my prescription for me medication filled (a pharmacy I almost never use), they had a huge display for Celebrity Slim. Ok another fad I thought. Celebrity, so it would be a WAG thing blehh. But I had a look on the internet about it, read some reviews, trolled some forums I trusted, and the vast majority of people gave it a definite thumbs up

So I thought about it, read some more about it, looked at the cost, compared that with what I was spending on all the late, dinners, chocolate, and thought why the hell not

So, on 31st March 2009, I trundled off to Argos to get a set of scales (something I always said I would NEVER have in my home), round to the pharmacy to stock up on the starter pack and told my wife. I was worried about the money, but she was more worried about me. Such a nice feeling. I gave her a hug and went into the kitchen to make myself my last supper, a final piece of my old life, some chips and bread, tomato sauce, salt and vinegar, MmmMMMMMMmmmm

DAY 1
Then came the fateful morning. 1st April. My hands shook as I put the scales on the floor. Turned them on and stepped on

Well you know the figure, can you remember?????

The initial shock blew through me, but that little light kept shinning. I was like this. I was 291.8lbs. There was NOTHING I could do to change that fact as it was (VERY Zen). But I could do something about it for tomorrow. It would take time and work, but I think, no I KNOW I am ready for it now. So I ripped open my first meal replacement shake (Caf late flavour (Can you tell I am a coffee addict??)), made it, drank it and thought of a bacon sandwich and toast. One day at a time, is what I need to tell myself

It was then I realised that will be my battle to win, not the food, but the thought of the food. Those smells, sights and sounds. All connected with food. That is what I need to control to make this happen. So I pushed the bacon out of my mind (well for a few minutes, but that was a good start), and went to get ready for work. Packed my bag (including my beef soup meal replacement)

Deliberately avoided Costa (sorry Costa, your profits will have to suffer), and instead went to the local mini supermarket, bought my little apples for my mid morning allowable snack, and some peanuts for my afternoon, got the train and headed to work

I public transport everywhere, as I got rid of my car as I was getting far to lazy, so I know I will get a good 20 to 30 minutes walk MINIMUM a day, so thats good for exercise

Had some green tea and about half of the recommended water intake for this diet, some lemon in hot water and my mid morning apple

Admittedly I did feel hungry, I knew I would. But having the focus there of my soup meal at lunch time, it made me focus more. I must say the soup was nice, very thick and filling. So I was ok until my allowable afternoon snack of some peanuts (non salted), another bottle of water and about 100 trips to the loo ?

Had to go shopping on the way home for my meals. Got some frozen vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli and some spinach), some turkey steaks (better for you than chicken) and some salmon

By the time I got home, it was too late to cook anything. I will have to adjust my shopping habits for next week. So I had a couple of cups of tea and went to bed

I joked with my wife that I need to loose her. THAT was an eye opener, realising I am over twice the weight of her. VERY sobering thought for me

All in all, a very successful day 1 I thought. I stuck with it. AND EEEEEKKK just realised no coffee

Well look forward to the headaches tomorrow. Might get some of the meal bars, as you are allowed a half of one as a snack, instead of the peanuts, we shall see tomorrow