support, the more I learned to love myself, the more I could love and accept others.

You have already pointed out some positive things about you and your family, that you are nice and soft spoken. Love those parts of yourself accepting them as part of who you are. When see them as negative traits becaause they dont get you as far as the loud and overbearing, you devalue them.

You can:

Recognize your good qualities and love those things about you.
Make a list of the things you compare to others and find the positive in them.
Once you begin to see how much value your qualities have you will take focus off what others do

One thing I have learned is that my children listen to me much better if I speak measured and low. If I get anxious and start yelling, they tune me out. Being gently soft spoken is definately not a bad thing, SMILE. I think you have a gift.

Hugs

Support - try to make a list of things that you are grateful for. This puts the focus on the positive instead of the negative.
This helps for your acceptance of yourself and others.
I used to end my journal entry with what I was grateful for.
Little things sometimes like getting my dishes washed to bigger things like passing an exam. I know this sounds really small - but it is something that will help you in your journey soooooo much.
love and hugs!

I really appreciate the value you place in the little things Gecko. I have had such a revelation about enjoying life moment by moment. All the little things we do add up to life. Feeling good about the little things has an amazing way of building self esteem. Just the act of telling my kids I love them everyday has made me feel like a better Mother and has made them feel more loved. How many times do the experts say someone needs to hear something before it sinks in? I can't remember but with all the trials of raising kids, I knew I needed to start telling them how much I love them.

Acceptance has been another life changing state of mind for me. I have stopped judging myself so critically and started realizing that I am human just like the other mothers. I make mistakes and I forgive myself for them and stop reliving them. I have stopped comparing myself to other people as this only created a barrier to change. It overwelmed me so much, then depressed me and at that point I could no longer be objective. I have set my personal goals for improving. I now compare my progress to my goals.

I have made it ok for me to stop trying to be perfect.

If I decide I don't want to do something one day, then I don't. Maybe it's not cleaning a single thing in my house or doing a single piece of laundry or whatever it happens to be. I have made that ok and it was a choice I made. I removed the old expectations I placed on myself which was causing me to feel like a failure if I didn't meet the expectation. Now my life is filled with choices instead of expectations that used to fuel my desire for perfectionism, which we all know is unobtainable. I am so glad I don't have to be perfect and that I can love myself for who I am.

How did I get here? I believe it was a combination of acceptance of myself and at the same time acceptance of other people. I did have to realize some things about myself that I wanted to change. I continue to work on those things and accept that I am a work in progress but also that I AM LOVEABLE and deserve not only others love but love from myself. I realized that in order for me to love and accept others, I had to first be able to love and accept myself COMPLETELY, UNCONDITIONALLY. The kind of love that allows me to forgive myself for my mistakes and look forward to the future as my playground, or my canvas, whichever you prefer. The thing is that life truly is what you make it, full of choices. Choose to let go of the expectations and unforgiveness and start deciding the person you want to be. Decide this based on what you WANT to be not what you EXPECT. Be gentle and love yourself. Forgive yourself like you would anyone else.

Supportplease, Repeat after me, "I love myself, I am loveable, I love my children, I am a good mother, I am human, I forgive myself for my mistakes...." Now you add any other affirmations you need and say this to yourself, everyday, preferably in the mirror. Not sure how many times the experts say you need to hear it but after a while you will like hearing these things and they will become part of your being. In the mean time, I'll keep telling you these things. Believe me when I say I had to hear these over and over. I have lived a life of unacceptance of myself for a very long time. You will get through this. HUGS :)

Once again, I have gone off on a monologue probably repeating myself many times. The good part is that you could have just hit the scroll arrow and kept going...LOL. Thanks for listening guys. Hope this helped.

I will try to tell myself positive things every day and make lists of what I am grateful for. I REALLY DO appreciate myself for being soft-spoken and kind but I don't see that I get so far being this way. BUT I am proud to be this way and really don't want to change that about myself.

My biggest challenge is that I am angry and disappointed with the way people behave and treat eachother and it makes me depressed. What can I do to help myself with this?

I really do tend to relive what goes wrong in my life and always obsess over the details. This definately takes away my happiness.

support, I dont much like the way people behave or treat each other either. I try to focus on what I can do to be my best otherwise I will obsess. I imagine it is difficult for you because you are such a warm and sensitive person. I actually hurts you when they act that way. But, you have to realize that it is only hurting you to take it so personal and it wont change the way they are for you to worry about it. It may change them to see you NOT acting like that and instead being very peaceful.

Try substitution. When a thought about something you think is wrong in your life comes to mind.........say "STOP" and think of something good in your life. Making your lists will help you have a reserve to use.

Hugs

Supportplease I want to say some things I have seen about you and learned about you and the progress you have made since you came here.

What I have come to learn is that you are soft spoken and kind and caring to your family and all the people around you.

I have come to understand that you have a family that you can be proud of and who will stick up for those who csan't defend themselves and always in their hearts try to do the right thing.

In comming here you have shown a great willingness to talk about and comfront your issues and I can see that you have become more enlightened in your thinking about yourself and your family.

I want you to know that I am so very happy about what you have achieved and I think that not just myself but many people on DAPA watching these threads have been encouraged in their own lives from seeing your growing self awareness.

As we somtimes say here you are beginning to shine with the light of a million suns.

support, there is a website that I found a few years ago that helps me a great deal. It is called Gratefulness.org There are many good ideas there and a link to the left where you can light virtual candles for yourself and others. It is really a neat process to light the candles. I have already lit some for people here including you. I also light candles for intentions I have for myself and my family. It is a way to let go of things or pray for others. Check it out..............Hugs

AnjiQ - that was amazing!!! Please please reply and post more - you are truly an inspiration!!! I love reading anything you write!

Support - 21 days.... that is when you start to make the positiveness a habit. If you do anything for 21 days straight you can retrain your brain. I know this from stopping smoking. : )

Simon and Shelly - you guys are shining like 5 billion stars.

Thanks Gecko that is do nice.

awwww feel the postive energy in the group..... we need a song Simon! : )

I had a song but when I look back it seemed to be gone so if it comes twice sorry here is the song (turn up the volume for best results)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZyNKrYo9I4

Here is the monologue at the start of the song.

Alan Parsons Project - A Dream Within a Dream Lyrics

For my own part,
I have never had a thought
which I could not set down in words
with even more distinctness
than that with which I conceived it.
There is, however,
a class of fancies
of exquisite delicacy
which are not thoughts
and to which as yet I have found it
absolutely impossible to adapt to language.
These fancies arise in the soul
alas, how rarely,
only at epochs of most intense tranquility
when the bodily and mental health
are in perfection,
and at those mere points of time
where the confines of the waking world
blend with the world of dreams.
And so I captured this fance
where all that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream.

Is this positive enough Gecko?

You guys...I feel your strength and love and it gives me the strength to move forward with the knowlege that I have people on DAPA who really care and are here for me whenever I need someone to lean on. THANK YOU ALL, you are absolutely awesome!!

So much of what you all are suggesting makes sense to me and I can see it helping me. My biggest challenge, by far, is going to be to stop allowing the people in my family to dictate how happy or sad I feel on a hour to hour basis. One of my kids has a serious, negative temperment and the other is sensitive and open. When my kids experience sadness or seem to be struggling, I obsess over them and get depressed. I will try the STOP method...is there anythong else I can do? My heart breaks when my kids are unhappy.

You are awesome support!

My suggestion with the kids would be - if they have something going on - remember 90% of the time (I have found with my daughter) she only wants me to listien and be there for them. Remember the "fix-it" urges go crazy when they come to you - but they usally just want your ear. Try to stay calm and let them know everything will be ok. They will make a bigger deal of out it it you do.

Simon that was an awesome song. It speaks of our ability to find peace within ourselves.

Support, you amaze me and make me smile. When you speak of learning and moving forward and looking toward a happier life, you inspire me.

Gecko, You are so right about our children. They just need us to listen, especially teenagers. Whoaaaaaaaa, do I have teenagers, LOL
They are not in a place to "hear" what we have to say and we cant "fix" them. Although, my "fix-it" urges ALWAYS kick in, I need to constantly say STOP and think before I approach the situation.

Support, I am trying to remember my boys when they were your childrens ages. At any age, but most when they are young, children "behave" and "react" the way their environement makes them feel. When mine were younger, I was not very well. I was very depressed and suffering with bouts of dysphoric hypo mania, which is agitated, anxious, angry energy. Every little thing set me off. Imagine, four small, active children on top of that. They literally "felt" my mood or attitude and acted accordingly. Their father is very calm and gentle and mellow. In his presence they were always much calmer.

I am NOT saying that your childrens behavior is a product of your behavior. I am saying that their innate nature is to "feel" their environement. If you are sad, they may be sad. If you are angry, they may feel angry. If they feel helpless to help you, they may act out in some form of behavior. You also have to take into account their own personality.

That being said, the very best thing you can do is to work on you. The more positive you become, the better you feel and the more positive your environement. It is so natural to "feel" your childrens pain and anguish over their suffering. But, you cannot "fix" what is going on with them. You can only "fix" you, so to speak.

You might try teaching them some of the same techniques you are learning yourself and helping them apply it at their age level. Compliment them as much as possible. Point out their "good" behaviors and qualities. Help them get involved with things that will help them feel good about themselves. Help them build positive, healthy self esteem. I can promise you IT WORKS. I have seen it first hand with my sons.

Remember, this process takes time. You cannot "worry" about what might have been done. You can only move foreward toward a better life. It is NEVER too late, not for you, not for them, not for your husband. You have tremendous power to turn the atmosphere of your home around with or without your husband. You can be the catalyst for tremendous change in your own heart and the hearts of your children.

I love you, I love your determination, I love your desire. Take the power that belongs to you sweetie. Hugs

In reading all of your wonderful thoughts it struck me that when my kids feel sad, maybe I experience their sadness so strongly because I never allowed myself to feel ANYTHING when I was a child. Their emotional openess scares me because I never dealt with those feelings. I listen to their little hearts breaking and my heart hurts too. Sometimes I come across as kind of matter of fact because I'm afraid to cry and let it out because I'm afraid of losing control.