Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have been dealing with a very nice, extremely helpful, and talented chiropractor for my back problems. Today I saw her. Occasionally we chat about things that are outside of my shitty back issues. She asked me about how is going with the latest guy had been seeing. He ran away a month ago for no good reason. The guy I met after that said I love you on the second date. I'm looking for something in between the two extremes.
I told her I'm done for a while. I told her the last decent man in my life was my grandfather who died when I was 16. I'm 33. She went on to tell me how wonderful men can be for us women because her home is filled with them because she has all boys. She has a wonderful husband. I'm glad that you have that. You're a nice person who is helping me and I can appreciate your trying to share that with me.
But what you describe as life sounds to me like a work of science fiction. Verbal and physical abuse since I was 14 years old. Over a decade of mental health issues . Finally, finally got out of it and on my own. Got a job, got a dog, got a place that I could stay and lay my head at night and not worry about anybody fighting or hurting me. Then it was taken away.
For reasons unknown to me other than I have horrific karma, I started having back problems. The back problems led to the loss of my ability to sit, stand, walk, work and pay rent. Then I landed back in the same house right where I had been abused for years, trying to heal myself and deal with my aging parents who treated me like shit for 20 years.
I've also been through a decade of men treating me like I am a second-class citizen for not being the epiphany of beauty that they see in fashion magazines. An attitude of "you'll do for now". And me, having started dating later in life than the average person, accepted it because I didn't know any better. My standards grew higher over time and my tolerance for stupid men decreased significantly. By 30, I was done.
Right now I want a working body, a job, my own place again and then maybe, just maybe, I'll think about dating. But you, nice lady that I really really like, are telling me about something I will never understand. You may as well be telling me what it's like to fly around the moon.
I've suffered a lifetime of mental health problems compounded by abuse. Follow that up with horrendous back pain requiring 30 needles in my back over the last two years and two surgeries and lots of other different treatments that I could list but I don't feel like it right now. Thank you for trying to share that with me but it did not help . Because when I said the last decent man in my life died when I was 16, you continued to tell me how wonderful it is to have them around. It's a really big clue that you should change the subject.
The men I've had in my life aren't worth a dime. But you kept telling me about how wonderful they are. I am neither in the physical mental or emotional space to even listen to that right now because I'm in constant pain, depressed, dealing with parents who are the same parents that hurt me for years and trying to take care of them while trying to fix myself.
In other words, shut up. You're not helping. She really should've picked up on that sooner. I am trying to let it go but today especially was a very hard day for me. My pain was out of control. My emotions are fried. And there's only so much a person can take physically, mentally, and emotionally . So please, next time I see you, let's just do a back adjustment and not talk about men okay? Thanks Doc.
I say all this in a very dry sarcastic tone because that's how I get when I am in a very bad mood . I know the doctor did not intend on triggering something in me but unfortunately she did. She did not pick up on the fact that she should not have kept talking about it after it was very evident that it was a bad topic.
And all it does to me is make me go home and rethink things and wonder, why am I so flawed to have had this experience and you had the complete opposite? I don't need that on my mind right now. Really. I have a lot of other shit going on. Let's just not even mention men and dating.
Please don't tell me I'm being hard on her. I'm not. I kept my mouth shut the whole time when in reality I probably should have said please stop. But my mood was so bad and my pain level was so high , I didn't see a way of it ending any better by me saying anything.
It sounds like you are doing well though reading the signs by stopping the dates with the guy who told you they loved you on the second date. Its actually a huge kudos to you.
One thing that I remind myself when I think 'what the hell is wrong with me?', is that what we perceive as our weaknesses that were taken advantage of.. like actually feeling empathy.. are actually our strengths. While it doesn't change the past its a huge f you and a one up on the abusers. As far as the pressure goes to feel like you must have a man in your life.. just keep doing what you're doing in whats best for you and focus on the present moment. Focus on your health and taking steps to recovery, you're already doing it, and when she starts talking about her sons and husband again just say "as great as they are they aren't going to fix my back now are they?"
@Paintbynumbers You know when someone may say "it's me, not you"? No, I don't do that. I tell them it's them and I break it off. I realized that, if I was going to take the risk of marriage or even a long term relationship, a guy had to have some basics: job, car, valid and not suspended drivers license, doesn't live at home at 40 unless it's to help the parents or he himself is hurt or recently laid off (extenuation circumstances). Not many can get over THAT bar. So I am flabbergasted when I see people in happy, committed relationships and assume they are an anomaly lol. I didn't really date until I was 22 (conservative upbringing) so I was clueless for a while. Then I see my cousin who is in her 40s, dating since 16, still attracting and ACCEPTING the same type of loser over and over again. I do give a decent man a chance. But they are sooo few and far between. IDK if it's my generation or what but it's unbelievable how hard it is to date someone worthwhile. And the one's that I did give a shot, proved in the end to be unworthy for reasons such as: blatantly telling me they prefer me thinner, telling me I don't look like Megan Fox, forcing my dad to pick me up in an emergency even when my boyfriend said he would be picking me up anyway in 2 hours and had no job or other responsibility to attend to. He was "tired. I'm almost home now. I need to turn around? I'm low on gas." And the only reason he drove me is because I didn't feel so hot to begin with but didn't want to miss class and expected a boyfriend who had said I love you to do something decent for his girlfriend. Hell, I'd do it for a stranger. This same guy spent $2 on a stuffed animal for a valentines day present on our second valentines day together. I spent $30. He didn't even take the gift I bought for him because he realized what an ass he was. I saw it in his face how ashamed he felt. So when he left, I gave the toy to my dog to play with. We broke up the next day. It's basic, simple things I'm looking for that these guys arent' capable of doing or being because they show their true colors later and since it's pretty hard to anger me, historically speaking, if a guy angers me and doesn't make an effort to fix it - gone. Not asking for a lot. Just a decent human being who likes me and I like in return who has his life reasonably together. Can't find it. And thank you for the compliments. I know my family abuse has skewed my perspective and I often give a guy a little extra headway to make sure I'm not jumping the gun. I even gave the guy who left me stranded another chance until Vday. Men aren't on my priority list. I tried to date again because I thought I was getting well and figured I'd try. I'm not well enough and they still suck so I'm not missing out during my downtime. Perhaps the tide will change later when Humpty Dumpty is put back together again. For now, if you aren't helping me get well, gtho of the way. Thanks for your comment and reading this far into my followup to yours. I didn't realize I was going to write a novel :)
I love the way you put your thoughts down in writing. I've always thought I'd never have what other couples do, and I wasn't even sure of what they had, all science fiction to me. I could see what they portrayed and compared it to what I believed I didn't have. On the surface of my feelings I embarrassed myself, wondering why I seemed jealous, knowing it wasn't jealousy. I thought they had something in the way of intimacy & friendship I couldn't feel, maybe they did?
I've been married more than once and have had a lot of boyfriends. Not bragging, believe me. It wasn't that I set my standards so high, I didn't. It was more about not wanting to be hurt, I'd end a relationship before giving it a chance. I'm talking about me, not your situation because I don't know you. But that science fiction thing I do relate to. You started dating at 22, I already had one divorce under my belt! I'm old enough to be your mother, as a matter of fact I have a son who is 32. And a daughter who is 27. I grew up in mayhem and neglect. I've suffered with depression for a million years! I'm on meds and have been forever! Isten to me, exclamation marks and all.
I sure hope your back stops interfering in your very exsistence. I like your attitude, willing to give yourself a break from the confusing couples world. Feel better.
I will use an example, when you start to stress about something, sometimes you get more of it. When you stop stressing, the doors are opened for you. It is in EVERY aspect of your life. Personally, professionally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is. When you're hungry, like really hungry and on the way home from work what happens? You might see four pizza delivery cars, a handful of restaurants, people on the bus/train with you with their take out food in a bag smelling oh so good enough that you could tackle them to snag their carry out.
All kidding aside, when you try to force something, it does not come to you. I have learned that first hand.
Personally, professionally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. We are not to live like the neat ads in between a magazine portray. Enjoy each day, each minute and your life just as yours. What you're seeking will then be delivered to you. When you try to force it, it keeps escaping you.
Everything is my opinion on that. Best to you in your quest(s).
I really do appreciate that when I come on here, I can get a TON of support that I don't get elsewhere, from people all over the country or even the planet.
@AnxietyFreak40 I should have put up a NSFW advisory lol but I'm glad I made you laugh. I feel like I do something right if I make someone laugh. Thank you for the hugs and support. Improvement is slow but if I hadn't done all this for my back, I would be very close to being in a wheelchair if not in it already so it's not perfect but I can walk, sit and move more than before surgery. Still working on it. Looking for other treatments and if necessary, more surgery. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
@Robin-Mc I consider it a high compliment that someone says I wrote something well. I've been a starving writer for 20 years. I do/did it part time freelance for about 10 and just started getting back into old areas of writing that I haven't touched in a decade (fictional short stories and that novel I started a year ago). I decided to pick it up again because I can't work or even volunteer at a nonprofit atm. I don't want to date until I'm on my own again. I won't be like I was when i was 23 but if I can walk, sit, write, work, pay rent etc, then that's when I think I'll consider getting back into the dating game. Depression sucks, we all know that. So it's just nice knowing I came come on and either give an encouraging comment or, as of 4am, need to vent. Thank you for your support.
@middleoftheroad lol nice metaphor. I know logically and intellectually that this woman is a good person who has done a lot to help me, especially since I had one doctor make two huge screw ups and not just cause pain but prescribe me something that, if it hadn't been caught by me and my other doc, she might have killed me. This one hasn't attempted to outright or inadvertently do that. She's very good at what she does. I also get it's hard for people who haven't' suffered these things to not quite know how to say the right thing all the time and like I said, really bad day to begin with so normally, probably would have rolled off my back. I appreciate you reading my post and your comment.