I could post this in so many groups, because I have so many issues. But I'll post it here, because it can all be summed up by depression. I sat in the parking lot at work for two hours, paralyzed with fear and lack of motivation to go in. I finally told my boss what was going on, and she understood, though I still can't believe that. I was recently hired and have already missed many days. I'm lucky to have such an amazing boss. But I can't skip everyday. She'll have no choice but to fire me at some point, and I need the money, and I WANT to work. Well, I want to want to work. I don't understand what's up with me. Why I can't just go in. Part of it is that I'm afraid I'm going to absolutely hate it and be miserable, though I know that's irrational, because I'm miserable regardless. A lot of it is that I'm scared of doing the wrong thing or people thinking I'm incompetent. Logically, I know I shouldn't care. It doesn't matter what other people think. But that doesn't change the fact that I DO care and it's so dehabilitatingly scary. I'm so alone. My only friend recently told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm clingy and continuously ask for reassurance. Not only am I so extremely sad to have lost her, but I'm also so ashamed. This is not the first time this has happened. There have been multiple times that people have cut me off because I was "too much." Constantly asking for reassurance to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was okay. I should learn my lesson. I'm trying to learn my lesson but it's like I never do. When my brain goes into overdrive and craves that reassurance, it's like I can't stop myself. I find purpose in nothing. I find joy in nothing. I have no passions or no talents. I just don't care about anything and it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do about that. I'm so tired of being in pain. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and OCD seven years ago. I have been to multiple therapists and have tried multiple meds and I'm still not managing. Not as well as I'd like to be. But I don't know how to change. I don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself but I just don't understand what my options are. Nothing works. I hate myself. I can't force myself to love myself. Trust me, if I could love myself, I would. I'm just so awful. I'm so terrible and I'm a burden on everyone. I add nothing to this world and I don't find joy in anything. I have no reason to love myself. I'm just so awful and I want to change and I don't know how. I'm ugly and broken and pathetic. I'm not feeling suicidal nor do I feel in danger of becoming so. I'm just frustrated and wanted someone to listen.