2 days ago I had a very bad dream. I think many people never experience the type of dreams I have. It's a bit like lucid dreaming but also I can literally be at two or more places at the same time. 

I felt my own existence and my self so strongly in that dream. I have had those type of dreams for some years now. It just seems to be how my mind works. I also had sleep paralysis a couple of times.

Damn I'm scared of sleep right now. It's very unlikely though that I'll have another one of those mind-shattering dreams. They don't usually come in quick succession, only every few months. I mean I had another dream that involved traumatic memories yesterday, but it wasn't on the same level. At least it had a comforting undertone. 

It's like my mind makes me look at the stuff I don't want to look at against my will anyways. That's what those dreams are like. 

I think I would have been perfectly fine without knowing that somewhere deep down I have always felt like I deserved every shitty thing that happened to me. I mean I knew that. I just didn't really experience it because I DO NOT agree with this thought or feeling. 

Actually over the years I'm pretty sure the knowledge that some part of me doesn't disagree with my abuse has made me more impulsive and aggressive in singular situations. Just not wanting to accept that reality. I want to take good care of myself. I do.