Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

24,601 Members
160,807 Posts
0 Online
Mental Health
/ Depression Support Group

Withdrawal

enfieldguy
enfieldguy

I have what many would consider an embarrassing addiction -- internet porn -- and I am one week clean but it feels like a year. Working from home gives me access whenever I want and I've discovered that I use it to distract, I guess like everyone uses any drug. It was something I became reliant upon on a daily basis I guess to avoid thoughts, depression, anxiety. It soothes me similar to my food addiction (which is still going strong). However, the porn addiction started to lead to much resentment towards my wife. We don't have an active sex life and it's a scary topic for me to address out of fear of rejection. 


I've found myself depressed now more than I had before but also consumed and obsessed with my wife having sex with me. I was brave enough to bring up the topic and we are supposed to get together this week for that but Monday didn't work out (she didn't feel good) and last night she said maybe tonight. I have now taken the step in my mind of rejecting myself for her, convincing myself nothing will happen tonight either and the voices are getting stronger and stronger. I know these thoughts and feelings trigger old rejections in my life, especially from my mom who completed suicide when I was 15. But know this doesn't make them any less comfortable. I just feel so rejected and unloved and I don't think my wife understands the level this can consume a man versus a woman. This is an embarrassing topic so I apologize if this offends anyone. 

hh_xo
hh_xo
First off: don't be embarrassed. I know all too well what it's like to feel unwanted and unloved. Intimacy is scarce in my relationship too, even cuddling or holding hands never happens. When I kiss my boyfriend I feel like I'm kissing my grandpa, very puckered up and short lived. I crave attention now more than ever because I am a stay at home mom with no one to talk to except a nine month old baby. I feel like my post partum hormones make me even more sexual, but my body isn't looking like it did pre-baby so I can't help but feel unattractive and that really bums me out.

I'm only 26 and I refuse to let my sex life go, and have even considered cheating. I know I'll never do it, but just having those thoughts is not ok.
I'm not sure what your wife is like, but I would KILL to have any sort of romance back in my life. Even my asshole ex boyfriend made me feel wanted 24/7, and the inner bitch in me knows that there are at least a handful of guys who would love my company and would make me feel wanted again.

Good luck with everything, and again don't be ashamed. We all have needs.
muskrattiger
muskrattiger
I am just not so sure this is the right place to ..address this topic ..have you tried the ..addiction ......group ........I see you are also depressed .......so that belongs here ......I think ..that it couldent of been easey for you to ..disclose .....all that you have ..............have you tried to see if your wife would go to ..a counclor with you ........one thing ...if your wife knowes about your addiction .....that would be one reason she would not want to have relations with you ....so you realy need to look after that ......your wife might not realize how much you are feeling rejected ....but I don't think you understand how she feels rejected by you ..because of your addiction ........when a man is always looking at porn ..it .makes a woman feel ..not good enough ....and pushes ..them away from you ......there is always the exception ......I ..think you need to deal with the addiction in the addiction ....place and the depreshion in here ....I think you would get better results ..........because you have other reasons that have ...caused you to be depressed ......I am very sorry about your mother ....that is a very tender ...age ....to louse your mother in that way ..........one thing .......it wasent ...rejection from your mother she was sick she had a desease .....depreshion .......................take care ...God bless ...
enfieldguy
enfieldguy
hh_xo, you'e not the only one. My sister feels the same way. She is older than you by quite a bit but has been in a sexless marriage forever and has other men showing interest. As tough as it is on a guy I never thought much about how tough it can be for a woman. My wife lost her sex drive when she went through menopause at a very young age (37, she is now 47) and I don't think it's coming back anytime soon. Thus my coping mechanisms but they aren't healthy at all so I am trying to work through them.
prioritymail
prioritymail
Depression and addiction are both all about brain chemicals and lifting them. Your brain is craving whatever chemical it got from the porn. Were I you, I'd go to a therapist and more importantly a psychiatrist. In fact, and I'm not sure you're aware of this, but there have been studies about sugar consumption, for example. While eating sugary foods, the brain lit up just like an addict using cocaine. Most important to remember - you're not a bad person just because you have an Internet porn and a good addiction. I'm a food addict too - and what helped the most was Overeaters Anonymous at first. But then I found out that I have Bipolar and ADHD. I got on the proper meds and now my food addiction has all but disappeared. It's about brain chemicals, not character or morals.
DepressedRecluse
DepressedRecluse
Interesting post...
Interesting replies...
How does this make me feel?...
It is after all...all about me.
...
... ...
... ... ... Well?
hh_xo
hh_xo
I agree with priority mail, it's not a character issue.... I don't think you are intentionally and maliciously watching porn out of spite. Seeing a therapist is always a good idea, if nothing else you might get a new perspective on the situation and maybe even uncover some triggers or underlying problems.

Depressed recluse: if this is in fact about you then you should absolutely voice how this makes you feel!!!!
bridgie101
bridgie101
There is an extremely good video about sexual rejection that I watched... I had a husband who was uninterested in sex, and what it does to a person's soul is indescribable. The self esteem is just zero. And of course all of the power is in the hands of the one saying no. Anyway I think it will help give you a door in the wall.

The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

I am not allowed to post links here: so copy and paste that into a browser and take yourself to youtube to watch.

I had an internet addiction for a while in the nervous breakdown which was the culmination of a powerless, choiceless, hopeless 17 yr marriage to someone who I now realise was probably autistic or something. The internet addiction reduces when the need for it goes away. I would say your porn addiction is giving you chemical highs, and you're getting no stimulation or happiness in your 'real' life so at least this is giving you the basic hormones and endorphins charging around your body.

So I wouldn't waste time feeling bad about it. It's a consequence of a lonely, horrid existence. Watch the video. She talks painfully slowly, but there is some VERY good stuff in there. :)
enfieldguy
enfieldguy
I appreciate the info and the support. Thursday will be two weeks "sober" so to speak and it seems like a lifetime. However I did talk to my wife about our intimate life and we have made at least one breakthrough there in the meantime which is good. Will hopefully keep the voices at bay for a while. It's almost like a "proof of love" thing for me but I don't know why.
tmax66
tmax66
Please don't feel embarrassed I had this addiction in the past too. Its difficult to overcome because the internet is always there. Take it one moment at a time don't try to think of next week or even tomorrow. Today is your battle.... Each hour you are able to stay free is a victory! Give yourself credit for each victory. If you slip up don't beat your self up. Start over again that much wiser... I have faith you will get victory over this just hang in there. Look up the twelve steps use them. As for the higher power thing if that is uncomfortable for you. You can use a chair or nature as your focus or the universe. Good Luck....
Community LeaderWanderingVet
WanderingVet
While depression and addiction are separate issues, they are not mutually exclusive. BOTH are extremely complex and REQUIRE professional treatment. I urge you to pursue that .. for each.
enfieldguy
enfieldguy
I see someone for depression and anxiety and just admitted my "problem" yesterday in session and yes it is very complex. It's providing me an escape, a way to relax and calm down and most importantly a distraction from my true thoughts. She's more of a eastern philosophy person who wants me to try meditation when I feel the habitual urge but we'll see how that goes. I think becoming an adult entertainer would be easier :)
bridgie101
bridgie101
dear me it's not complex. It's about as simple as anything gets. Eastern meditation? ffs.

You're getting an endorphin charge from the porn, and getting an orgasm on top with all of its chemical releases. Men have gonads which constantly fill up, and those gonads require to be emptied. You have to empty them somehow.

And what you associate your orgasms with will become positively reinforced. you have positively reinforced porn via orgasms. This is not rocket science.

As to why: because you had no other available choice that you were prepared to pursue. Why your wife doesn't have sex with you is the complicated bit. Why you seek porn is not. What damage the porn may do is an issue: as your expectations and what turns you on will slowly deteriorate into less and less realistic and less and less achievable by the wife - but again, why you're watching porn is NOT complicated. Cave man could explain it. And he wouldn't try to save you through eastern meditation either. lol.
bridgie101
bridgie101
I had an ex boyfriend who told me when he was not an ex, that the only way he came on to his first girlfriend was by refusing to let himself masturbate. He would build the pressure until it was so extreme he had to ask her out. He held out a month and he said by the end of it power poles were looking sexy and giving him come hither smiles.

he said he barely kept his mind.

if you are using the 'no porn' thing to create enough pressure to actually deal with things with your wife - well and good. They need dealing with! but if you're just 'giving it up' because you think it's like smoking - well, there's no value in that. Unless, of course, you're watching porn 8 hrs a day and rubbing poor old mortimer raw. In which case yeah, take up swimming. Lots of swimming.