Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So, another cousin is getting married. I'm the only one in my generation in my family who is not married. Even second cousins are getting married. I rarely see my relatives, but when I do, I'm always asked if I'm married or when I'm going to get married. Usually, I get some glib response or try to change the subject.
However, the one response I want to give is this one. Groucho Marx said, "I dont want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." I say, "I refuse to marry any woman who would have me for a husband."
First, due to my disorders, I can't feel love. I know people say love isn't just an emotion, but an act of will, etc. But just try it without feeling it AT ALL, EVER, and see if you can say that. Also, I'm nowhere that selfless. Yes, I can be kind and helpful as well as do things supposedly extraordinary, but only because I'm bored, annoyed that no one else will do it or, very often, for reasons unknown to myself. I had had people tell me what a great person I was for doing this or that, or being supportive, for being there, etc. Yet I can go about my day if those people were to disappear completely. So-so died, what's on TV.
Surprisingly, most of the people who would claim I was a friend to them have been female. Be it elementary school, middle school, high school or the various colleges I've attended. I honestly don't know why. Maybe they saw I had no interest in them as well as being helpful in the class. Many were considered very attractive by what I've observed of societal standards. Yes, I have to actually stop and think about it. I don't exactly notice these things, except in rare cases. Whereas most men would be distracted by that, I was more interested in getting the right answer or taking a study break nap. "I bet you wear looking down her top from across the table" or "So-so has a nice a**." What? Huh? I honestly wouldn't notice if she was naked unless she mentioned she was cold and I wondered why. BTW, she figured out problem #6 or were you too distracted to notice. And these are great cookies she made. Many of them did provide a listening ear, especially when I thought talking about my problems might help. So, I guess I can be thankful for that. Although , I sometimes wish I had it ended it all back then and probably would had if they weren't there. Whereas physical attributes fade, kindness and compassion can remain. Although, it often devolves into the bitterness I have, which would have happen if they spent more time with me.
So, while I may find the occasional woman physically attractive, especially redheads and petite brunettes (the aforementioned rare cases), it's just a biological imperative. One I wish I could take out of me and toss into the sea. I especially hate it when my mind resorts to it when I have double depression in an effort to dig itself out. My sex drive actually increases. Anything to ease the pain when it only makes it worse. Objectifying women, causing guilt, as well as reminding me of a life I once wished I had (a wife and family), but know I will never have. Another failure in my life. Another failed goal , which were friendship, true love and a good home. So, I tell myself who would want me for a husband or a father. I know I wouldn't.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I needed to vent.
However, the one response I want to give is this one. Groucho Marx said, "I dont want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." I say, "I refuse to marry any woman who would have me for a husband."
First, due to my disorders, I can't feel love. I know people say love isn't just an emotion, but an act of will, etc. But just try it without feeling it AT ALL, EVER, and see if you can say that. Also, I'm nowhere that selfless. Yes, I can be kind and helpful as well as do things supposedly extraordinary, but only because I'm bored, annoyed that no one else will do it or, very often, for reasons unknown to myself. I had had people tell me what a great person I was for doing this or that, or being supportive, for being there, etc. Yet I can go about my day if those people were to disappear completely. So-so died, what's on TV.
Surprisingly, most of the people who would claim I was a friend to them have been female. Be it elementary school, middle school, high school or the various colleges I've attended. I honestly don't know why. Maybe they saw I had no interest in them as well as being helpful in the class. Many were considered very attractive by what I've observed of societal standards. Yes, I have to actually stop and think about it. I don't exactly notice these things, except in rare cases. Whereas most men would be distracted by that, I was more interested in getting the right answer or taking a study break nap. "I bet you wear looking down her top from across the table" or "So-so has a nice a**." What? Huh? I honestly wouldn't notice if she was naked unless she mentioned she was cold and I wondered why. BTW, she figured out problem #6 or were you too distracted to notice. And these are great cookies she made. Many of them did provide a listening ear, especially when I thought talking about my problems might help. So, I guess I can be thankful for that. Although , I sometimes wish I had it ended it all back then and probably would had if they weren't there. Whereas physical attributes fade, kindness and compassion can remain. Although, it often devolves into the bitterness I have, which would have happen if they spent more time with me.
So, while I may find the occasional woman physically attractive, especially redheads and petite brunettes (the aforementioned rare cases), it's just a biological imperative. One I wish I could take out of me and toss into the sea. I especially hate it when my mind resorts to it when I have double depression in an effort to dig itself out. My sex drive actually increases. Anything to ease the pain when it only makes it worse. Objectifying women, causing guilt, as well as reminding me of a life I once wished I had (a wife and family), but know I will never have. Another failure in my life. Another failed goal , which were friendship, true love and a good home. So, I tell myself who would want me for a husband or a father. I know I wouldn't.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I needed to vent.
About love. I think it is neither an emotion, nor an act of will. I don't even believe it is a biological imperative. Sex is a biological imperative. If you are wired up so that imperative is non existant, or very weak, we are back to the "asexual" thing. My take on love is that it is only known, like electricity, through its observable effects. It is not something you "feel" so much as something that you DO. Yes! I am saying that, for me, love is a verb!
Love is as love DOES. If you DO loving things, you acting lovingly.
As for Groucho, few men in all of history were as successful with a wide variety of women. He appeared to have lived a very happy life.
And, like you, he had a very big brain.
An intuition tells me that just ahead of you in time, you are going to awaken your Inner Lover. When that happens, or IF it happens, I hope you will still be writing posts.
Again, it is a real exercise to carefully read one of your excellent posts. thank you for this one.
I wonder if there is another person, female, like you, who would want to marry..and if you had a child, if you would feel love towards your child after holding the baby, you never know.
Recently, my sister and I were watching some matchmaking show. I commented on how I didn't get how the women dressed on the dates. "Well, they want to look beautiful." I said, I kind of get that, but not the really short skirt or low cut top. Given men are supposedly visual when it comes to sexual matters, what are they exactly saying? I'm not going to mislead them by taking to an expensive restaurant on a small income. I mean they're "offering" (sorry I'm looking for a better word, but one doesn't come to mind right now) their bodies. Unless they can guarantee they'll look like that when they're 60 or 70, I don't see why. someone would lead with that. Also, going on that, I'd prefer, if I ever did date someone, for her to dress modestly. I would take it that she respected me enough not to try to distract me sexually, despite not knowing it wouldn't work in the first place, so I could get to know her mind, thought, beliefs, etc.
Yes, Elena, I've wondered what would happened if I ever met my opposite number. Given my lack of experience in relationships, it's difficult for me to do so. I'd have to ask someone with more experience to ask as a listening ear to learn more.
Charlie, one person I knew wondered if it wasn't fear of love, given how my childhood was, not the lack of it for the way I am. I have to say it's the lack of it. It's just not there. A part of me wishes it was.