It's that weight and grip depression that feels so hard to pull away from. I'm so sorry that it feels so powerful. Have you been able to talk to a therapist? I'll be thinking about you.

Look things will eventrually get better but please hang in there:) im rooting for you

There is a positive side to this, you clearly see the Depression and know it's there and are very capable of knowing the symptoms. That's not always the case, and it is a big plus. So, what are you doing to Treat it? Do you see a Counselor or Therapist? Are you taking meds?

Someone with the insight that you have to be able to describe their Depression monster as well as you can, to verbalize the way it's coming at you, you have a very good chance at Treating it. So if your not treating it, please start, if you are, talk to your Pdoc or Therapist openly about how you feel so things can be adjusted and your Treatment can be successful.

Take care,
Kat

'Hey there, depression. It’s nice to see you again..'

'8. Treat loneliness as an old friend who’s dropped in for a visit (despite not having received an invitation).

This is a way of not resisting how you’re feeling; resisting only makes you feel worse. Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to take care of our anger and other painful emotions. Making friends with how we feel is self-compassion in action. So take care of your loneliness as if it’s an old friend. Sometimes I say, “Hello, loneliness. I see you’ve come to visit again for a while.” When you let painful emotions into your heart with compassion, it disarms them and that takes away their sting. This eases your pain.'
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201612/10-things-try-when-you-re-feeling-lonely

By the way, I think you write well.

'I’m still contemplating on all my life decisions'
I think you say: contemplating all my life decisions.
No 'on'.

You can ask yourself: 'What are the causes of my misery?' What can I do something about? The usual routes are therapy and meds. Along with this I'd suggest finding out who you are spiritually speaking.

She was caught in the blizzard. The snow was slowly starting to bury her exhausted body. The other mountaineers heard her shout out into the cosmos: 'Why me!'

True story.

Why not her? You climb a mountain - that's a risky endeavor; you go diving in the ocean - that's a risky endeavor. You sit alone at home hiding from the world - that's a risky endeavor.

In this world everyone gets to suffer - it's a fallen world after all - be grateful your suffering isn't worse than it is.

Your post is very poetic.
Very descriptive. It's strange how people who don't suffer from depression can't really relate.
I do. I know those feelings well.
Relief from this misery comes in many forms for different people. For some it's to stay grounded. Find something, ANYTHING or ANYONE to keep you grounded. A reason, a love, even if it's making a deal with yourself to make it through one more day.

Some of the best poets and musicians suffered from depression. Writing down your feelings, posting here or talking to someone sometimes gives us a chance to reflect on our feelings. Sometimes that helps.
One day at a time.

Thank you. Reading all your replies makes me tear up a little (in a good way). I’m trying not to cry right now, but what’s the point of holding it all in NOW? I reread my comment, and it seemed like something that would get a lot of questions, but no! It turned out you all understood. You have no idea how entirely grateful I am of finding a support group that knows me like I know my own mind: not at all, but we TRY. Thanks again.

Agree with MS901: Your writing is exquisite...And yes, we all know how your feel.

Hey, thanks for sharing this stuff--there's nothing about your post that sounds totally crazy. Lots of people experience depression in varying forms...sometimes, it most certainly is a tangible force that has imposed itself upon you're life (without invitation, I might add). The title of your post grabbed me, because so often that's our heart cry, but so often it's not just one particular thing or event. It's simply a cry to make it stop. I have to say, however, when we're comfortable in that dark place, that's the most dangerous state of mind we could be in. Depression and its lies start feeding us irreversible ideas. As much as we ask "why?!" we also need to keep pushing through. And if those around you walk away, keep looking elsewhere. Know that when friends or family turn from these kinds of issues, it's ultimately due to a lack of understanding, not a reflection of you. Seek older, wiser counsel wherever that might be. If you want to explore professional help, there are plenty of credible outlets for that as well (cost-effective, too).

You will ALWAYS be worth more than what Depression *with a capital D* uses to try and convince you differently. It is no mistake you're here. In fact, I would challenge you to examine what about yourself Depression is trying to hinder....what is it so scared of in you that it would try and force you to end it all? If you really marinate on these questions, I think you'll find some really enlightening answers :)