Depression Support Group
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I wrote a short story one night when I came to the realization that I could no longer cut. The story is called Her Reason... and I thought I would share in hopes that it might help others
*Why am i still here?* she asks herself as she stares up at at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. *I've had so many opportunitys to end this hell, yet each time i back out. What keeps stopping me?* She lifts her ars up to see the remaining marks of her previous attempts that seemed to glow in the moon light. *All those do are remind me of the pain that made me leave them, I know that happens each time but i still cant stop myself. It eases the pain.......... temporarily* As she stares at her arms, the reason for each mark coems to mind. *Hmm that one was my grandmohter, that one, i didn't think anyone cared, oh and this one...* She began to run her fingures over one particular mark *... this one, was placed there the day the love of my life left me* With out realizing it, her hand slid down to her hip, where his innitals were. *I don't know why I didn't just go through with it that night, the blade was right over my wrist, WHY DIDNT I DO IT??? Why did I slide it away, down my arm farther, just to leave another rmemory that would stay forever?* Suddenly her brother, who had fallen asleep in her arms stirred and images began to flood her thoughts. The 3rd one was the worst. She felt as if she was accually living, thinking and feeling it:
** *Wow I think I can accualy go through with it this time, just one small step and its over* she takes that step and tumbles down each and every step to the basement floor. *How did I survive that? OH SHIT I DIDN'T!!!* Seeming as if she was her spirit floating over her body surrounded by a pool of blood. *Footsteps? I didn't know anyone ws home, besideds my brother, but he's sleeping. What if he heard me falling and woke up?* The next second she heard him screaming her name as he ran down the stairs. **
Returning form this vision she realized why she always stopped herself. Her brother needs her here, who else does he have to look up to? She began to run her fingers through his hair. He wakes up and asks her whats wrong.
'Nothing buddy, go back to sleep, I love you...'
*Why am i still here?* she asks herself as she stares up at at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. *I've had so many opportunitys to end this hell, yet each time i back out. What keeps stopping me?* She lifts her ars up to see the remaining marks of her previous attempts that seemed to glow in the moon light. *All those do are remind me of the pain that made me leave them, I know that happens each time but i still cant stop myself. It eases the pain.......... temporarily* As she stares at her arms, the reason for each mark coems to mind. *Hmm that one was my grandmohter, that one, i didn't think anyone cared, oh and this one...* She began to run her fingures over one particular mark *... this one, was placed there the day the love of my life left me* With out realizing it, her hand slid down to her hip, where his innitals were. *I don't know why I didn't just go through with it that night, the blade was right over my wrist, WHY DIDNT I DO IT??? Why did I slide it away, down my arm farther, just to leave another rmemory that would stay forever?* Suddenly her brother, who had fallen asleep in her arms stirred and images began to flood her thoughts. The 3rd one was the worst. She felt as if she was accually living, thinking and feeling it:
** *Wow I think I can accualy go through with it this time, just one small step and its over* she takes that step and tumbles down each and every step to the basement floor. *How did I survive that? OH SHIT I DIDN'T!!!* Seeming as if she was her spirit floating over her body surrounded by a pool of blood. *Footsteps? I didn't know anyone ws home, besideds my brother, but he's sleeping. What if he heard me falling and woke up?* The next second she heard him screaming her name as he ran down the stairs. **
Returning form this vision she realized why she always stopped herself. Her brother needs her here, who else does he have to look up to? She began to run her fingers through his hair. He wakes up and asks her whats wrong.
'Nothing buddy, go back to sleep, I love you...'
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Today, I get to be 63. I have a good life. I get to contact good people on DS and elsewhere in my life. I could have missed it all. Life is so very rare and fragile. And it is so very worth it!!!!
Thank you for YOUR life. You are doing good service, in my opinion.
Keep on doing it!!!
recently.. i have had the urge to cut again... but so far i have been able to hold off. I have gone back to my rubber band trick... and reading all of the time.. but idk how much more I can do to avoid it
I loved what you wrote. It's really beautiful. I really enjoyed reading it, and I envy your creativity and your ability to articulate yourself
I've been planning to write something similar for awhile about choosing to stay alive for my family. However, if I wrote it now, I wouldn't be able to articulate it well because my thoughts and brain are all messed up from a illness I have. I have outlined it a little and done some brainstorming. It's going to be an extended metaphor and it's going to be long!
By the way, if you start cutting again, it'll be very difficult to stop again. Since this story helped you to realize why you shouldn't cut, you should print out this story and hang it somewhere that you'll see it constantly as a reminder of your reason. You should often read it occasionally.
It's kind to live for your family instead of yourself despite the overwhelming pain you're feeling. I hope that someday you'll be able to live for yourself as well as your brother and that you'll actually want to live and enjoy being alive. You're still young, so keep exploring this world. I'm still young, too. Hopefully, we'll both be able to live for ourselves as well as living for our families.
Hugs
I was going to read this and put my reason for stopping cutting but it had nothing to do with thoughts of who would find me or such.. I had an operation that gave me a staff infection that almost killed me.. I was in the hospital for over 6 weeks.. Dirty instruments from the operation... dirty blade that cut my arm.... I never wanted to go through that pain again,..
Yours is a beautiful story.. mine is what could happen to someone who is just crying out from all the pain in life, does not really want to die but feel better and what can happen with the next cut... If you get what I am saying..
Thanks for sharing that.. It brought tears to my eyes..
Meandthebeast, I am sorry you had to go through such a thing, I cant believe hospitals would allow something like that to even happen. I would love to read your story as well