I totally get you. Depression hurts so bad, especially when you feel alone and unsupported. There are alot of people who do get you and if your family is not there for you, we can be there for you.

Sorry to hear your dark place. It seems like you had a reason you didn't stay, and did the best you could at the time. Maybe things can turn around with your wife. Or maybe it's irreconcilable. Hang in there. Hugs

thanks. i haven't heard from my oldest two daughters at all. i expected the silence from the middle one, she hasn't talked to me in a long time.
the oldest, i really dunno about her, what's going on inside her head. she has two teenage sons, the oldest has a LOT of emotional, psychological issues and i'd dare say 90% of the time she's rather mean to him, doesn't understand him or treats him all that well. she has little patients with him and personally, from what i saw when i was there for a couple of months horrified me: she is more important than her relationship with her sons, she comes first, it's all about her...that and her husband, he's really no better either. best aspect of him is the fact he's a workaholic and does really good financially supporting her and the sons, who are not his, btw. other than that, he's rather self-centered too.

i'm not sure what happened during the three years between seeing them, especially the oldest, my middle one, well, i think it's all about a bad marriage and she feels stuck. the oldest, that's the one which is confusing.

even though my sister is helping me, letting me stay while i work out this damn social security thing, and looking for a job (at 63 with health issues, yeah that's fun) and no money...i appreciate that. her oldest daughter let me stay with her family for about three months, i could probably go back there, but its way out in the woods and hardly any people and certainly no "available" women for me to meet.

i just feel like i am an alien and they just want to stay away from me. i am, at this point, getting to be quite apathetic about it.

my youngest, she means well and tries to help out, she understands my depression and anxiety and has a fair understanding about the situation. as i said, she tries her best and at least we communicate, of course via Facebook (she lives in Idaho, I'm in Texas). Both of us have gone through a lot together, and we're quite a bit alike, maybe that's why we have a good connection.

but, i still feel alone, seriously dislike my life right now. wishing it would be better, and trying to do something about it. but i'd like to have more emotional and moral support from my daughters.

thanks for your comment, it is much appreciated.

B

bluebird20 --- my wife had a schizophrenic break. too involved really to explain. i didn't leave voluntarily, i was sort of forced away...NOT by my "wife" but by her alter, the one i identified as "the protector." my "wife" for all intents-purposes kind of vanished about three weeks after the protector took full control. i know it sounds very weird, but it wasn't my "wife" who forced me away, she loved me, as i loved her, it was the protector who did it. i'm just wondering what, eventually, when the protector thinks it is "safe enough" to let my wife come back, just how much my wife will have, psychologically and emotionally changed. i mean, surely her brain would have been "re-programmed" to explain why i am gone. i have such sorrow, she won't understand, she won't know what happened, and, well, will have this in-error "reality" her disorder "wrote" for her.
in truth, we are both victims.

i don't think we will ever be able to get back together. maybe if she wasn't schizophrenic (or DID, etc)...and had a "dual-reality", now that is one hard to explain. i still love my wife dearly, somewhere inside her, she is there, the real her, the one with the real memory of reality---maybe, i dunno how disorders like this work...is she there, still, is it possible for her to actually remember what is certainly "the truth"---or is she cursed with just the "reality" of what her schizophrenic brain has come up with, as reality?

that is something i deal with, almost on a daily basis, that and this horrid anxiety that is based on, my wife is "lost"...it's as if she has passed away.

missing her is pretty close to being the worse of it all---but not having my two oldest daughters even acknowledging MY existence and trying to understand that my wife is the worse victim than i am...well, i guess they'll never know because they don't even communicate with me. i seriously doubt i could even explain it, i don't really understand it either.