I really am just so sick of trying to get things worked out just so they can turn around and tell me I was too late. It wasn't even my choice. Everyone gave me the run around with college. Every department directed me somewhere else. They'd tell me to call on Friday or whatever day things should've been processed by each time I'd call. I followed every instruction every single time and was so persistent in getting the semester figured out. I moved back home, away from the people who were helping me the most with my problems, just so they could tell me it was all too late and I'd have to completely redo all my general education courses for this semester since things weren't processed in time.

I just called them telling them I won't be attending their college this spring because I'm not retaking every course and building up my loan debt even more. With that being said, I'm going to be working my butt off to afford my apartment, bills, and now my loans each month and I have nobody I can talk to from back in Delaware. I'm just completely alone here (even though I have my family) and I'm just about to say screw it all to everything.

The last thing I ever wanted myself to be was a freaking college dropout. Now I'm quitting college, struggling with bills, don't have my closest people around me for support, my ex keeps bugging to talk to me as if he actually gives a shit about me (he was talking with his ex and chose to be with her and a whole other complicated situation which I felt vulnerable and used), and I am never going to have my dream career. My grandma is dead so it's not like I have my best friend to vent to. I can't even go talk with a psychologist or get medication because I have to wait on a letter from Delaware to show my Welfare office so I can apply for health insurance.

I just hate everything at this point. I'm just done... I don't want any of this. I just want to be gone. It's just ridiculous that any hope in this world is ripped from you and you just have to sit and watch it be taken. You can try to better yourself or do something that benefits your life, but it's only going to be taken and replaced with something that'll screw your life over even more. I should've never left Delaware. I should've just kept to my routine and found help out there instead of this dumb fantasy that I could actually get the education I needed back home and make progress toward my dream job. I'm just another failure and everyone is going to only see that rather than what it really is. I'm just going to be someone who everyone thought was going to be so successful just to turn around and be a dropout.

Everyone had such high expectations. The next thing they're going to be disappointed in is why I did something dangerous and stupid and injured or killed myself. Honestly, the days are becoming more and more tempting... I am trying really really hard not to do something stupid here... I'm sorry for the long post. I just really need some encouragement... Please.