So sorry for what you are going through sending prayers and hugs your way.

Don't. Just because she messed up, doesn't mean you're doomed to it. Think about what went wrong for her, and walk in the other direction. She would want you to. People who suicide don't realise the effect it has on their children. So you have to overcome that effect to save her from having harmed you so badly. Yeah... I know what I mean. :D

You're down now, but you're not out. You're down, right now, but you're not out. You're 44. Heck. I was 44 2 yrs ago. I've risen from my own ashes in my forties. It's like my forties are my second twenties. Except I'm less energetic, fatter and more wrinkly. :D

Anyone can start again at any time. Where do you start from? The bottom often. if you're anything above the bottom, you've got a head start.

And quick. go rescue some kittens before the old cats kick the bucket. :D

I know you are being supportive. Thank you. But the sort of 'things will/can get better' is hard to absorb when I'm so alone. I'm new to this group and I'm trying to hear others stories. I'm glad you were able to do that. I''m more depressed now about my life than I was after she died. She was actually kind of terrible person in many regards and not just the suicide part. I'm having trouble getting my dishes, laundry, even showering done. Someone tried to steal my purse, keys, jacket and car two nights ago and I walked out of the bar and punched her twice to stop it. I'm not a violent person, but my inner rage scares me. Cops called. Reports. No she wasn't caught. I have a bandaged left hand after a left hook? I'm right handed. I'm so angry inside she picked the wrong person. I'm lucky to have stopped her but I think j could because I do feel like it's me against the world. I'm so upset with a break up that I just can't get a handle on. I scare myself.

You won't believe things can get better for maybe 2 yrs. :) There you go. that's the hard word. 2 yrs of wanting to die maybe. But you'll wake up one day and be back inside your own skin. All I'm jumping in on is that at 44 you're too young to decide that life is over. you've got maybe 40 yrs left. That means you're half way. Only half way. What you learn in your forties will set you up for the rest of your life, for good or ill.

I'm very proud of you for punching that chick. Scared of yourself? Ha. A pair of people attacked me in my home when I was still in the state you're in: I went ballistic. Who knew I was a berserker? Well I didn't, but now I do. At the time that freaked me out, I'd never hit anybody before. But they were in my house attacking me: so screw them. And wow. Cool to be a berserker. Cool to discover that you'll eat glass to get your attacker if they push you that far. Violent? Ha. Self defensive. I have never attacked anybody.

I'm at peace with it. I don't see why I should have to lay down and die just to be nice. You got to find out a little bit more about yourself: there's more to you than meets the eye. you have unplumbed depths of strength and courage. :D :D :D

Not being able to do my chores lasted a fair while, and still comes at me. My house is a mess right now and I should get up an do it. It becomes much easier, but it is still hard. So long as nobody finds out, you're fine. So long as you get yourself together before you make too many friends who want to show up, you're okay. :) You have a private time of your life to lick your wounds, and that's good. As to showering, I spent a good few months not really showering when i should. That was not good. If you are able to go see a doctor and get a little something prescribed you might find that tides you over till you get stronger.?

Perimenopause can give you depression too: people can get something mild just because of that alone.

as to mum? I do understand if how you feel about yours is complicated. People who kill themselves can be deemed not to be very together. I recommend you quit the drinking, just quit it entirely. The chemical rollercoaster will not be your friend at a time like this, and you'll worsen the depression and add anxiety to it. I avoid alcohol as I don't like coming down off it at 4am the next day. I don't have the strength to go through those kinds of anxiety attacks.

I remember in the hospital after an operation coming off the morphine, and I was shaking, and everything was tense and awful and the nurse said she could give me a half shot and slow down my descent. I said no. to myself I was thinking WHAT ARE YOU NUTS??? She wanted to take me back up the mountain so that I had to go down it AGAIN? How does that help?

Drinking takes you up the mountain towards happy. But withdrawing from the alcohol makes you go back down the mountain. Better to not go up and down the damn mountain. Better sit somewhere on the bloody mountain on your butt and stay put, than spend all your energy going up and down this thing.

Let your body stabilise chemically. This can take six months. And THEN see where you are at psychologically. Because your psychology will be enormously impacted by the chemicals you are having to process.

I know that sounds crazy but having got off cigarettes I know what I'm saying. Anything that affects your mood affects it far, far more than you know at the time. It's only in hindsight you realise what it was doing.

I totally understand the harsh reality that is upon you. I also am in my 40's ( upper 40's now.)
My life sucks, I have no friends, I have no man, no kids, no pets. I do have a loving family but I don't want them to see me like this. Menopause is going to be knocking on my door soon.
I just reached out to a counselor and hopefully will get an appointment soon.
Just keep posting on here, messages from people going thru the same thing is so helpful. Even if you post several times a day do it !!!!

I agree with bridgie101's response. Suicide is not the answer and it hurts those around you. Also, think of your kitties. You know, it might not be a bad idea to get a couple of kittens. It will certainly liven up the house and help as an distraction for negative thoughts. Also, are there any non-profit groups in your area who are looking for volunteers? . What I have discovered is that when I am feeling not so good about myself that the best thing I can do is to get out of the house and do something positive for someone else. And....surprisingly, doing so makes me feel better. Just a thought.
Take care and know that you are not alone and there are people who do care about you. <Hugs>

I'd rather hear other people's stories that be told to get some kittens. I'm sorry. But people sometimes just need to be listened to. If you jump to problem solving, you're really not acknowledging their pain. I'm not sure if this site is filled with well intended rescuers, but mostly people want to be HEARD because no one in their life is listening.

Hi Shaunac.how are you doing today?m really sorry about what you are going through..and if you dont want to adopt kittens it is ok..Peri menopause can really mess with your mind...however i think Bridgie101 has a really interesting take,what do you think about it?..hugs...and have you already seen your doctor about these symptoms?