My grandmother is doing better. I'm happy about that. 

I'm taking a break from social media and talking to people I guess you can say. I've been getting this feeling that God is telling me to stop the things that I have been doing trying to get "famous" and my career moving because there are still things that I need to work on with myself. I haven't healed completely. I still seek my own personal revenge with certain people from my past and present. I don't want to be that person. I want my life to start happening, but because I still have hurt and anger in my heart, I believe God is not allowing my dreams to come true. What I'm considering as punishment, God is probably seeing this as an opportunity to let Him in to heal me. I'm not going to lie, this is going to be hard because I don't want to do it. I whether be rich and alone and able to afford the things I want and need. But God doesn't want that for me. He wants me to have abundance, but He wants to make sure I know how to keep it. He doesn't want me to be alone, but He needs to heal me from my past fully in order to bring the people in my life who are meant to stay. Acceptance is the beginning of the process, so there's my start. 

I'm not worried if people will be looking for me because I know they won't. I need to take this solitude seriously and heal. Really listen to God and what He wants to tell me. I know that its not going to happen over night. That's the part that even makes me even more mad. I have to do this because nobody will do it for me. I don't think God is going to send someone along to help me with this and its kind of bittersweet. Having someone there would help me believe that not everyone is evil. But doing it alone will give me a better look at myself. I don't see my self worth and I don't see myself as someone who is deserving because everyone who hurt me, parents included, spoke with their actions to show me I wasn't worth it and I believed it. I have for too long and its just time to make a change. 

I did say 2020 was going to be the year I do the things I need to do to see myself in a better light. I want to look at me as if I've always been worth it and that the people who neglected me, it had nothing to do with me. So here's to the start of a new journey that I will actually do this time. Here's to making a new change for the good.