Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So I should actually know better than to watch depressing movies, at least the type about people with mental illnesses that spiral out of control and commit suicide. I'll always end up seeing myself in them.
So yesterday I watched such a movie with my bf and surprise, surprise, I had a medium-sized depression mood swing.
So what I was thinking is that when I was a kid that I knew I was never going to be happy so the only way to keep alive would be for other people. But back then their were no other people, at least noone I was quite that close to. I knew a few nice people but I saw them only monthly or so. I thought that honestly, because I had so few connections that this would be the perfect time to kill myself. I was bullied at school, my mom was caught up in her disease and mostly out of reality when it came to observing me, my father wasn't there, my brother beat me up every time I smiled... The only "friends" I had bullied me too and that not too little... It was perfect.
But then I didn't kill myself. Then I decided to wait it out and build up a life and for fucking what? It doesn't matter how good I'm doing, I could not be happy right now.
There's a few moments though every day when I do feel mainly just something like joy. For me depression feels less like a cloud surrounding me and more like a dark version of the grand canyon within me. But sometimes I also manage to fill the emptiness.
I am hard on myself for not being high-functioning. The thing is that when I don't achieve stuff my depression might worsen so it's really a neglect of self-love as well. But then again, I can't heal myself in just one day. Going to gym today won't make me magically whole. (I'm not going because of sleep withdrawal due to a work placement I'm doing)
Self-love can be tricky but I think I know what love feels like now.
You'd think that after all these years of loneliness and being attacked in some way or another that I'd appreciate the life I live a little more. Couldn't that have been my takeaway message? That life doesn't always give you what you want or need so when you get it, you need to enjoy it as much as possible?
I would really like to be the person who thinks that way instead of questioning everything, trusting nothing and not being able to enjoy even the best things in life.
I've only felt the feeling of trust for like five seconds once
I didn't realise it was a feeling tbh
But dying is so unpleasant and the thought of an after life worrying
So I'm still here
After all the intense suffering I've been through I'm very grateful to just have an absence of pain
Might be in my cave for a long time
To answer your question mindfulness practices might help you just enjoy the moment and train yourself not to think about the good times ending
I get how the joy is fleeting and when you have it you're almost robbed of it because you're afraid it's going to leave just as soon as you notice it's there.
You are still alive. There is still hope and this can and will get better if you do not give up. Keep....on......Fighting.
And try not to bully yourself because of not having more optimistic thought processes and feelings. This is not something you could have stopped since you were shaped into this since childhood. But you can reinvent the mindset, hard as it may be with depression digging it's heals into your brain chemistry. It's a fight. (But you know that)
Also, aside from turning to God and getting to know His word and Jesus' teachings, I think medication is important. It doesn't have to be a forever thing...it can be your aide while you're trying to rewire yourself. It took me a while to find what worked for me and it's by no means a cure, but it helps give me the energy and the want to get up. If you have questions, I can share my experience and what medications worked for me and what to ask your doctor about.
I also recommend this article because it sounds like guilt is weighing you down and it's a hard thing to kick <3
If the hyperlink doesn't work in this forum, just copy and paste into your browser :) http://bit.ly/2rFvAtX
True/lasting love BEGINS with love of self. It is ESSENTIAL to happiness.
Read up on it ... practice it, .. do NOT limit it. Possibly the MOST important thing a human must do.