So if you've seen me around before, you know that I have fairly severe clinical depression (can discuss that as well) but that's not really why I'm posting. See, I tried to find a group about it on here, but um... it seems that every group on here is dedicated to... avoiding and healing from people like me.
I think I might be a sociopath... and I don't really understand it, but like... I thought it was just my depression, but... can sociopaths get depression too?
It's like... an emptiness where emotions should be. I know what emotions go with what event, my mother taught me about how to think about sadness, but my heart just doesn't connect with it. It's all... you see people laughing. Something is funny. Haha, laughter is the correct response, right? You laugh, but you know they're feeling something... and I'm not.
I try not to let the people that love me know that sort of thing. That would make them sad, I think. I'm supposed to be this benevolent mother figure, always, but I'm tired... or I'm annoyed... or I'm nothing. I'm talking to them on teh computer. I'm laughing on the screen, but I can feel my face is slack.
It's like looking at the world through a window, or like the world is a video game. This response will cause this response from someone else. Click the choice. Tell people the words you know you should mean. You mean them, right? They came from you. You said them. You feel like they're true, but you can't tell.
I care about you.
I want you to be ok.
Please don't hurt yourself like this.
I'm standing beside you...
... if you die, I'll keep going. I'll forget about you. I know I will. I don't want to, but I will.
Meanwhile, they get to sit on the couch and laugh and talk... and I have to wonder if they love me back. It's an empty gesture to me. A symbol of my mutual life in the company of those who I would prefer not to die. Why should it mean anything to them? A hug. A comfortable wrapping of the arms. A moment where you don't have to stand. Someone close. Trusting you. Assuming you're holding them back because you love them... And then it's over.
You're like friends, but less familiar.
Would they forget me too?
What do you do when someone you love dies? How long are you supposed to mourn? When are they the weird ones for not moving on?
I need a rulebook. Statistics. Some sort of 'guide for how to feel'. What is the right answer?
Am I broken? Was I born that way?
I care too much, and too little, and want so badly to hold on to things, but I can't touch anything.
I don't want to be alone. It's hard and it's lonely, and there's too much time with my own thoughts, knowing that nobody will ever impact me for more than the time in which they are actively talking to me.
You leave me there, and I'm right where you left me.
I'm trapped, and it's so very empty...
I just wanted y'all to know that my therapist strongly agreed that I need to go inpatient. It's hard because 1. I was adamant to kill myself. So I'm angry that I caved in. And 2. I've fought so long and made a lot of progress last year. I was determined to NEVER go inpatient again. I feel like I've failed myself and my therapist. I feel like a worthless piece of s*^t. I'm fulfilling...
I went to a neuropsychologist a few weeks ago to test if I had a concussion or brain trauma during my accident. Finally got the results back today.. I definitely sustained a traumatic brain injury and the facilities of my brain that are damaged are cognitive, interpersonal, and emotional (i.e. my emotional reaction and regulation, irritability, memory, executive functioning, etc.). So many mixed...