(hug) have u tried mindful meditation? Listening to nice music and focusing on it?

i am very proud of you for finding the strength to come here ...........this is a very good place for you to come here you will find people who realy understand what you are going through because they are eather ware your are or have been there ............................it sounds like if it gets eney worse you schould put your self in the hospital ...............if you put your self in you can leave when ever you want .............you schould be seeing eather a phicatrist or a councler and most important you need to be talking everything from your past needs to come out if you want to get better ................i learned that the hard way i use to keep everything inside and than came a time i just couldent do it eney more and i ended up in hospital for 2 months the doctor wanted me to stay longer but i had small children to look after and he knew i would do what i needed to do to get better and that i would go back to the hospital if i got worse so he let me leave ...............i had to have ect it saved my life ................so i encourage you to keep coming here and to get the help you need and keep talking ................i will keep you in my prayers .........god bless

The pit of depression runs deep. it really warps the mind. Struggling everyday,. its hard to see past our narrowed vision. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Are you going to therapy? cognitive therapy is powerful and it might help. people underestimate it sometimes but you should give it a try, maybe with a medication combo.