I'm basically only posting this to get it off my chest. I'll try and set up the situation some before I say more, because it can be triggering to most people I would assume. The past couple of days, I have not been feeling any better. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables, less sweets, and purposefully walking around more throughout the day when I can. Doing little projects, like today was a puzzle, gives me a sense of accomplishment. That only lasts for a few seconds though, then I'm back to being "blah". Today my dad decided to go shooting with his friend, except apparantly something came up so he didn't fire the guns after all. Since I haven't told anyone except my counselor how I've felt, he's completely oblivious to my current state. He wanted to show me the guns: both rifles and handguns, he let me hold them, showed me how to load them. I've seen guns on tv and on cops before, but never this close. It felt good to hold them, I felt good, in a scary way. The problem is that once I saw the smaller gun, I immediately thought back to a video about suicide. I could picture and actually feel the metal in my mouth. I've never, ever, ever had that thought before. It's been several hours since that happened, and yet every once in awhile it'll pop back into my thoughts. It makes me shudder, because I don't want to think about it, but when I do the picture feels good. I'm not sure if I'm saying that right. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT suicidial and don't even know where they're kept at, I have a good life right now and don't want it to end. But...no matter what I've done today, that thought keeps coming back to me. I just don't know how to make the thought go away...and to be clear, in my mind I never even pulled the trigger, I could just feel the cold metal in my mouth.