I am so sorry that you are so sad. It sounds like you are going through a very tough time! You are looking for peace, so I encourage you to keep searching! Please keep reaching out and talking to people. Figuring out our triggers sometimes helps us to learn new behaviors, but we usually need help to do that. Have you considered seeing a counselor who might help you sort through your symptoms and your past? Have you considered a support group, possibly through a church? Please hang in there! You can get through this! Keep letting people in!

So you're getting flashbacks: i think you need to let yourself have them. Have the attacks. Let it happen. Your brain has evolved over thousands of years to work, and all you really have to do to make it work is let it work. That may involve some crying and adjusting.

Every change or difference in life has to be adjusted to, and if you aren't in the habit of letting that happen they quickly build up. Bad experiences from the past, even if you accept them, can take a few years to get over. Paranoia is part of not having them resolved.

so you have to take the long view. yes it's uncomfortable. It's awful. Horrible in fact. But you know what? You're not going round and round in the same wheel. You're travelling forward. Every thing that hits you is a new thing in the road, and you are getting somewhere even though you don't think you are.

you think you're going downhill. Well: life has valleys. And you have to go down them to go up the other side. So have faith in your biology. Have faith in your chemistry. Let go of your concerns about your concerns, and get back to a simpler state of just having problems as you go, dealing with them, crying over them, and moving on. You're adding layers of complication and worry on top of something that is quite natural and will sort itself out if you just let it.