damn

I hope you have someone with you at this time and you are not doing this alone. My prayers are with you and your brothers. Keep us updated.

One of my other brothers is here with me. My favorite brother is the one who did this to himself. I'm falling to pieces over this.

You are allowed to, I am sure anyone of us would fall in a heap.

I'm so sorry.

My older brother that's with me right now is trying to rationalize my thinking. He's trying to make me remain calm and he says he's scared cause I can't cry. I don't know if he understands how someone like me preceives this situation. I'm not even sure I understand. I remember being 10, almost 11, and wanting to die. I remember wishing I had someone to tell that would help me. I tried to help him, but he acted on impulse. Not my fault, sure. Do I feel like shit anyway? You bet. He's 6 years, almost 7 years, younger than me and he looks up to me in every way. I guess he inherited the bad genes I did that made me suicidal so young. I guess that means that gene is on my moms side, cause he and i have different dads.

It's not a bad gene in the sense that it makes anyone a bad person. I have the same characteristics as my father, and my oldest son threatened suicied to the extent he was watched round the clock when he was 10. I refused to have him hospitalised because I felt it was my responsibility he had got ill. Truth is, it's no-one's fault, so I hope you really DO believe that you are not to blame.

People react in different ways to shock. Some may find themselves crying weeks later during a sentimental TV advert. You brothers are all made differently. Your older brother just needs to stay with you. He's doing a good job of keeping you calm.

I lost my best friend to suicide a few weeks ago and now I might lose my baby brother. It's so hard to deal with. I don't understand it. My older brother is trying so hard. There's such an age gap between him and I plus the fact that I have a few mental illnesses, one in particular that makes me think irrationally and do irrational things and I know it's hard for my older brother to deal with. He tries so hard but he doesn't get it. I locked myself in my room and put my iPod on. He's worried that I'll physically get worse because this is stressing me out. He's probably right. The doctors told me to stay as stress free as possible so my body can fight my illness that threatens my existance.

You have so much to deal with for one so young. If it helps to "talk" here then keep talking. It's good to keep the channels of communication open.

im so sorry
hugs!

I have the hardest time talking in person. This helps more than anyone will ever know. I'm so exhausted but I can't fall asleep.

I'm glad this helps. As an aspiring hermit DS has helped me so much. I hope you will sleep, but I know how hard it can be findind that sleepy place. Hang in there.

On top of this happening, I'm very ill, which doesn't help my sleep at all. I just got released from the hospital the other day for inhome care or what they call end-of-life care. I bone marrow transplant soon, as a last ditch effort to fix me. On top of THAT I have the flu.

Gotta love when my phone misses some words


That should say I have a bone marrow transplant*****

Jeez. That really sucks.