Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Ive already poseted this to the rape support group. I kust want to share my story. Im ready to
I’m going to take you back. No not to the beginning, but to the nights that will haunt me forever.
Night 1: October 13, 2014. My 19th birthday, the night my whole life changed. Now this isn’t easy to write and I’m going to get in to major details. My birthday, I had to work that night at steak n shake (that’s where I worked my first job) and my boyfriend at the time was planning on picking me up which he did. On the same day I had started my period, so I wasn’t feeling to great. So, we got to my mom’s house (the first place it all happened) I go to the bathroom and change in to sweat pants and a tee shirt and we were laying watching something on tv, this is one thing from that night I can’t recall. I had made it very clear that night before we got home that I didn’t want to do anything sexual. So, there we are alone in the basement (that’s were my room was it was spilt in half and I shared the other half with my brother) laying on my bed as we usually did when he starts to touch me. I had said no and to stop as I said no he turned me on my stomach by the side of my bed where my wall is and I feel my pants being lowered. I keep saying to stop but at that moment I feel myself freezing as I feel what is being done. I was being raped… but not just raped anally raped... I’m lying flat on my stomach with him on top of me holding me down. I lay there lifeless for a few minutes and I start to cry, I finally get the strength to get up. He’s sitting on my bed and I’m in the hallway to my closet area, I tell him to leave... He tries to apologize. But I stand there not making any eye contact and tell him to leave and he does. I didn’t want it to happen so for the rest of the night I lay holding my pillow.
Night 2: October 18, 2014. I know what your thinking why give him a second chance. Looking back, I ask myself why all the time. At that time, I still loved him and thought he would change, boy was I wrong. On this night we are at his house. I’m in sweat pants again because I am in the end stages of my period. Again, I made it very clear that I didn’t want to do anything. So, we are laying in the bed he’s on his side I’m laying on my back when I feel him turning me to my side. So, I thought we were going to cuddle like we normally did. I felt his arm reach around my side and he pulls me closer, at this time I finally felt safe around him and thought he was really going to change. Then I feel him pulling my pants down again I pull his arm away with my hand and I feel him grab my arm and put his weight on me again. I again lay there lifeless like by body had froze in place as I get raped the same way I did that other night… I lay there frozen for the few minutes tears going down my face. When I finally break free again. That night he took me home that was the quietist car ride I’ve ever had…
Typing this isn’t easy… Fighting to urge to cut again for the second night in a row as I type this isn’t easy. All these flashback and memories I have aren’t easy to live with. Feeling like in ready to give up the fight is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I have nothing to live for and that it would be better if I was gone and away from all this pain. This isn’t a story there are no happy endings…. I’m so tired of feeling hopeless. This is for the people who didn’t believe me. Who thought it was something I did…. the first time wasn’t but maybe the second time it was.
I want you to hear me when I tell you that none of this, not the first time and not the second time, is your fault~ He should be jailed for these crimes.
Hear me also when I tell you that your reactions, even down to trusting him again are normal reactions when you suffer this kind of abuse at the hands of people you love and trust.
I am an incest survivor , and I was a cutter back then too. I know what I am speaking about and I am so so sorry that you have known this pain in your young life.
Please try to be gentle and kinder with yourself. We tend to blame ourselves and become more self destructive with time. I needed therapy and medications to survive. not all the time, but sometimes. If you haven't given any thought to seeking out a counselor, maybe you should give it some thought.
even with meds and counseling, it will not be easy and it will not go away over night. It will never completely go away, but you can learn to manage your reactions to the memories and you can lessen your pain and even find happiness.
after 32 years, i met a beautiful woman and we were together happily for twenty years. she died this past September.
My abuse began at 4 years old. so believe me when I tell you that though you can not imagine a time in your life where you will not be tormented by what happened to you , that you will enjoy happinesses that you can't imagine now.
triple hugs of support.
if you listen to nothing else of what I said, believe that none of it was ever your fault, because that is the truth~
There is only one way out of this to find peace. It took me 30 + years to figure it out. " First you need to find a great support group; family, friends, a local rape support group...A doctor or a pastor can help you find a group and get you started in the right direction. Second; you need to talk to anyone and everyone you can and tell your story ( you are doing that right now). Communication is very important! Seek out wise counsel and follow through with it. Pray, Pray and Pray some more! Keep praying! I always felt like I was in this prison, in bondage and could never get out of it. Then one day I figured it out. "It was me who was always feeling guilty. It was me who was always feeling sorry for myself. It was me who was always replaying the scenes in my mind. It was me who was always afraid. It was me who always hated myself and could not shake all these emotions that were whirling around in my head. I needed to figure out how to get rid of all of that once and for all!
I got to thinking about the word "bondage" and I thought about how Jesus came down to earth and died on the cross to forgive us and free us all of our bondage of sin. I thought, I need to give myself permission to forgive myself of feeling guilt and shame (even though it was NOT my fault) I needed to forgive myself. When I did that, it was amazing I felt care free, like I had just been handed a get out jail free card. The bondage was broken! I had one more step to do before I was finally released from this prison. I had to write a letter to the rapist. To bestow forgiveness upon him. I expressed my anger and all my emotions in that letter to him. I expressed how sorry I felt for him. Then I expressed my forgiveness to him. I told him how I forgive him for the awful things he had done to me. I told him, how he no longer has any hold over me and my life. His threats are meaningless now, his ways are meaningless. The only thing that matters now is that Jesus helped me get through this and I am free to live for Him, for He has given me a sense of calm and peace in my life." Then I signed it and put it in an envelope and I mailed it to him. You do not have to mail it though. You can store it away in a safe place. You can write it and then burn it, tear it up and throw it in the garbage....Whatever gives you the sense of relief and confidence once again.
I still remember from time to time, but now I know, I can go on with my life, I can tell my story and help others like you. May God Bless you and keep you!
I will pray for you!