Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm 29 years old, and I have tried moving out of my parents' home before, but setbacks would occur forcing me back (breakdown in college 10 years ago, job loss a few years later). Now, I find myself in a position where I could move out again, and I want to take my brother with me. He's 23 and has Aspergers, and is also suffering from a lot of anxiety due to butting heads with our parents. Financially, I could support myself and my brother if we got a small place; we already share a room, so getting a one-bedroom apartment where I would perhaps sleep in the living room isn't that big a deal.
The thing currently holding us back is the great need to de-clutter. When we first moved to the city where we now live, we had previously been living in a four-bedroom house for all of my brother's life (he was seven at the time). We didn't get rid of as much stuff as perhaps we should have at the time. Then, we lived in the same apartment for over ten years, and amassed more. We're not hoarders, just not very good at organising. We have since moved to another, smaller apartment, and though we did get rid of a lot when we did, it still wasn't enough.
We are completely cramped in our current place, and the only one I can get to help me is my brother, but I have to find the right words to say to motivate him because of his Aspergers. I can tell he is aware of this problem, but finds has difficulty working around it. I'll remind him that I had asked him to do a task an hour previous, and by his reaction I can tell he is frustrated with himself for having not done it. He knows it's a problem, but he can't figure out why he just won't do things immediately. Unfortunately, it's difficult to motivate him when I lack motivation myself. Mom has a mental illness which often leads to her misunderstanding things we say, thinking everything is an attack against her; she is also blind, so she can no longer help with cleaning. However, dad also features a lot of Aspergers symptoms and it clashes with my brother's form of Aspergers as well as my A.D.D. There will be some days where dad might do dishes for a few hours (we don't have a dishwasher where we currently live and keeping up with them is a daily struggle), but he won't do anything else. He claims he has no part of the clutter since he stays in his room most of the time (easily the messiest room in the apartment). However, he uses the kitchen table for a catch-all, his CDs are in the living room, as are most of his books, and I have often found trash that made its way out of his room into the dining area which can only have come from him (no one else in the family drinks diet soda or uses insulin or eats his particular type of chips, for example). He is also prone to losing his temper at the drop of a hat (has never been physically violent, thank God), and all this weighs on me so heavily that I often feel powerless so that even though I desperately WANT to clean everything, I find it difficult to actually get up and do it.
If it was just my dad, I would tell my brother "Ok, we'll just downsize our items and then pack up what we want and move out." But with my mother's diminished eyesight, I feel bad about leaving her high and dry in that mess considering that dad's idea of cleaning involves packing everything into bins and taking care of it "later." We are surrounded by these "later" bins, which makes the space even more cramped and difficult to keep clean.
I've been feeling more and more down lately and it scares me because if I lose it, I can't help my brother. If he weren't living at home, I know he would fare much better because being at home adds to his stress as well, which is one of the two reasons he hasn't had a job yet (the other being the difficulty in finding something low-stress when you have no experience).
I already know what I want to do to declutter, I need to figure out how to start and not stop.
I need to get us out.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
You then have to write a list of all the stuff lying around. Not too detailed, just general ideas. "Clothes", "rubbish", "business papers".
then on one day of the week, you go and get all the clothes lying around, wash them, fold them, put them away. I'm thinking this is a weekend task if you work.
If you have a 'rubbish' day, that is easily an hour task, in the evening after work with brother. Brother will be far easier to move if you move too. Have a 'tidy up time' that you two can pavlovian train yourselves into, with a treat at the end if you like.
When you've done this for a couple of weeks (and you don't have to get it perfect first time) you might find you are ready for what I call a spring clean.
A spring clean involves taking everything out of a room, cleaning the room (including walls, ceilings and curtains, which may only need dusting on a bedroom, but in a kitchen may need a good clean). Once the room is clean, you return everything into it. You leave large items like beds in the room because it's too hard otherwise; but move them out of your way to clean and then put back in position after cleaning them, too. You then return everything else to the room, item by item, and throw away anything you don't think 'fits' in that room. If it doesn't add to the room, ie make it beautiful (like a painting) and it is not of actual use, seriously consider either throwing it, donating it, or if it is special to you putting it in a keepsakes box.
Decluttering involves two things: current items (clothes, toothbrushes, hairbrushes, things you use right now) and historical items (memories. Loved items from the past that you cherish.)
current items should be in good working order. Clothes, for instance, should fit and be in good repair, and also you should like them. Don't keep clothes that are useful but that you never wear because you don't actually like them.
Historical items should be gone through, memory by memory, once every year or two. Some things still trigger the memory. Some do not and can be biffed (that panorama you made when you were 10 in primary school.)
Sorry I've gone off topic. You want to know how to start and not stop.
The answer to that has to be scheduling your time and writing it on a board. Aspergers people often respond to lists and plans but my experience has been that they don't self motivate well. ie they'll get up if you get up but not on their own and that's just a thing that won't happen.
Not expecting too much of yourself is also important, but doing 1 - 2 hrs an evening or so. Seeing results is your best motivator. Seeing change is your best motivator. Getting your first area clean is a motivator. I would recommend you just make one room perfect and shove all the junk elsewhere but there is nowhere else to shove the junk; you will have to take some off the top I think for a couple of weeks till there is even enough space to say 'right, cleaning the lounge today so all the stuff in there is being put in the kitchen for the duration.'
Don't think about the surrounding issues. Say to yourself 'once this house is tidy, we will make our next decision about moving or staying, when and how.'
So, say you do get the minor miracle of getting the house de-cluttered. You find an apartment for you and your brother and move. 1. I highly doubt a small 1 bedroom apt. would be adequate. With your brothers Asperger's there are times, many times during the day that he'll want to be alone...its hard to do in a small 1 bdrm apartment. Even if you sleep on the couch your going to have to put your clothes and things somewhere, like in the bedroom with him. 2. If you're working all day, who's going to be keeping an eye on your brother during the day to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or get into trouble? Because you've automatically made yourself his primary caretaker. How many times do you think your employer will let you leave work to deal with a situation with your brother or miss work to take care of your brother..... 3. You suffer from Depression, serious enough Depression that you've not even been able to be out on your own with a job and a home. There's no way to know when Depression is going to flare and you'll be unable to care for yourself much less anyone else. How are you going to handle that? 4. How's it going to work at your new apartment so that all of the cleaning and such gets done so that it doesn't turn into a cluttered mess like your parents home. Its not like you can just give your brother a list and say "do this". You'll have to remind him over and over again, and you'll have to do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, on top of having a job and taking care of your brother....while trying to keep yourself stable and not depressed. This sounds like a very stressful situation and stress is one of the major triggers for Depression.
I'm not saying all of this to hurt you, or scare you, or make you mad. I just don't think you've really given all of it as much thought as it needed. This is not going to be easy, its hard when a completely healthy person is caretaker of another with a Mental Illness....
I hope that your able to really think things through and that some plan comes together so you and your brother can have a more stable place to live, it may not be in the same place, but that doesn't mean you both can't have it better.
Take care,
kat
I guess I didn't make it clear in the description of the situation:
My brother is actually well able to take care of himself; he can cook and be left unsupervised without worry of his doing things which could lead to injury. High-functioning is the term.
When I mentioned having a one-bedroom place, that was more to the effect of, it's living with our parents that is making things difficult for him to cope, especially being around dad and his temper. So, in order to get out more quickly, go for the cheaper option.
My break down ten years ago was being away from home for the first time, when I went away to college the same year I graduated high school. The other incident was that the company I worked for had to start downsizing and I didn't make the cut (they've been bought out, since). Once we're away from that environment, I'm certain my brother's mental health will improve and there are programs where we live that help people with ASD find jobs. It's just that so long as the home environment is stressful, he wouldn't be able to deal with having a job on top of everything else. Once he can work, we can find a two-bedroom place. I actually could afford a two-bedroom place on my own, but only if the rent is below a certain amount and utilities are included; that makes things more difficult as selection is scarce. However, if we move out, then my brother could apply for income assistance and say "Hey, I'm moving into an apartment and this is how much rent I have to pay," without mentioning me as his sister. He can't get assistance now because they look at "Oh, your parents are supporting you." and they don't send you cheques unless you have an address.
Basically, my brother technically could live on his own, if the assistance system didn't suck the way it does, and if his stress levels weren't through the roof preventing him from working.
I do appreciate your concern, though, and I do get where you're coming from. I know it's going to be hard when we move out, but I'm ready for that bit. What I wish I could move past is the decluttering aspect.
I live in New Brunswick. Out of all the provinces it has a really messed up assistance system. Some years ago, one of my mom's cousin was a single mom on assistance; she was dating a guy, he wasn't helping her financially or anything, but someone reported her, and they cut her off. He married her and it ended up working out, but it could have just as easily gone the other way.
In this province, if you want assistance, you have to be living on your own. Roommates are okay, but if you're with your parents you're considered dependent on them. It didn't used to be like that, as my mother's mother lived with my grandparents near the end of her life and welfare didn't cut her cheque or theirs, but, at some point, they started cutting corners. An even worse part of it? They don't give you cheques if you don't have an address, but they don't help you get an address. If you're homeless, you're screwed unless someone can take you in so that you can declare an address to get started.
He doesn't exactly live a black and white existence, he does like going out for some things, so long as he knows there will be people there who have similar interests. But, yeah, he has to know the plan and works best having someone beside him.
I already listings for places that help ASD people specifically for help finding employment and the like, which I'll be turning him to after we move out. Thanks for your recommendations.
Unless you are willing to go home and clean once a week, they will deteriorate again.
So if making it nice for your mum is what is standing in your way of leaving, I'd say leave. You need to talk to her, say you wish to move on, and talk about how they are going to function without you. Talk about what help you can give before you go - and talk to Dad. maybe a whole family confab. I don't know: but their mess is not your responsibility (although yours is). And it's only when you two are gone that they will be in a position to establish a new balance of power and a new set of expectations. Remember they ran their home before you were born and they can run it after you are gone.
They married each other and they are each other's responsibility and their own - not yours.