Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I don't know where to start...or why I'm doing this. Feel so desperate at the moment and this was the only thing I thought I could do.
I feel bad because I think I'm probably wasting your time anyway. I don't think anything will help right now.
I'm a day patient at an eating disorder service, I go 5 days a week but Anorexia isn't the only thing I deal with. I've been severely depressed for a long time now, before I had the eating disorder. Im dx BPD too. Everything is just too much to cope with now and all the hope has gone. I don't have any. I used to want to recover. I wanted to go back to work again and get my life back but it's all gone now. I want nothing. How can I keep fighting this when I don't have anything I want to fight for? I've always said the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my family (Mum and Brother) but I've starting doubting that now too. My Mum has just started a new relationship and she's happy, I'm just going to get in the way. I think they'd be better off without me.
I self harm and the urges are there constantly. Ive done it more than I ever have over the last 2 weeks. I see a therapist at the clinic I go to and I've been able to tell him all this but he just keeps asking me what I want from them, what will help me? I haven't got a clue and it just upsets me even more because I know unless I can change, they can't help me either! But to be able to change...I need help! What's got to come first? I've told them I've felt suicidal before too when things have been like this but still there doesn't seem to be anything they can do. They just ask me to keep doing that journey everyday and try to keep safe, that they don't want to keep me in because it's just proving that I can't do it by myself. How long do they expect me to be able to do this for though? The thoughts are getting worse everyday!
To make it worse whilst all this is happening a friend at the clinic died last week. All I can think about is how unfair it is, I sound so horrible for saying this but I'm envious of her. Every night I go to sleep and pray (I'm not even religious!) that something will happen on my journey the next day. Hit by a car, have the courage to jump in front of the train, anything! And she gets taken. She wanted to live, I don't! She wanted to do things with her life! How is that fair?
I just don't know how much longer I can cope. I don't want to cope anymore. I don't want to do this day in day out. I've had enough and it's not getting any easier.
x-Bliss-x
I feel bad because I think I'm probably wasting your time anyway. I don't think anything will help right now.
I'm a day patient at an eating disorder service, I go 5 days a week but Anorexia isn't the only thing I deal with. I've been severely depressed for a long time now, before I had the eating disorder. Im dx BPD too. Everything is just too much to cope with now and all the hope has gone. I don't have any. I used to want to recover. I wanted to go back to work again and get my life back but it's all gone now. I want nothing. How can I keep fighting this when I don't have anything I want to fight for? I've always said the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my family (Mum and Brother) but I've starting doubting that now too. My Mum has just started a new relationship and she's happy, I'm just going to get in the way. I think they'd be better off without me.
I self harm and the urges are there constantly. Ive done it more than I ever have over the last 2 weeks. I see a therapist at the clinic I go to and I've been able to tell him all this but he just keeps asking me what I want from them, what will help me? I haven't got a clue and it just upsets me even more because I know unless I can change, they can't help me either! But to be able to change...I need help! What's got to come first? I've told them I've felt suicidal before too when things have been like this but still there doesn't seem to be anything they can do. They just ask me to keep doing that journey everyday and try to keep safe, that they don't want to keep me in because it's just proving that I can't do it by myself. How long do they expect me to be able to do this for though? The thoughts are getting worse everyday!
To make it worse whilst all this is happening a friend at the clinic died last week. All I can think about is how unfair it is, I sound so horrible for saying this but I'm envious of her. Every night I go to sleep and pray (I'm not even religious!) that something will happen on my journey the next day. Hit by a car, have the courage to jump in front of the train, anything! And she gets taken. She wanted to live, I don't! She wanted to do things with her life! How is that fair?
I just don't know how much longer I can cope. I don't want to cope anymore. I don't want to do this day in day out. I've had enough and it's not getting any easier.
x-Bliss-x
I couldn't handle it. I left the hospital after the meeting without speaking to anyone. I sent a text to my Mum but she couldn't call me back straight away so I went for a walk. I went down to the river again. I only things that stopped me from chucking myself off that bridge is:
1) It's too risky. I don't want to be saved if I decide I want to die. Plus someone could jump in after me and die themeselves, I couldn't live with that...ha! How ironic!
and 2) I've spent the last 3 nights from about 11pm to 4:30am researching. I have a plan and I'm sticking with it.
I sat by the river for a while and then my Mum finally called. I told her I was coming home and left a little while after.
I cried so much when I got home, then I just went to bed as I didn't sleep at all last night again. Too busy reading up on stuff.
I got a phone call at 4pm from my key worker asking where I was and why I left the unit. I told him I was at home and that I'm not going back. And I'm not. I'm sick of that place and them. They don't and never will understand. I've probably been branded for attention seeking by saying I'm not going back as well but I don't give a shit anymore. If I don't have to see them again, I don't care.
Earlier on I was convinced I was going to carry out my plan, but tonight my Mum has been talking to me about everything. She knows how long and how hard I've been fighting. She said no one can make this decision for me, it's no one else's choice but mine. I know what she would want and how it would effect my family if I did it, but ultimately it's my choice.
I don't know how I feel about it now. I still want to but I'm feeling kinda spaced out about everything. I wish I'd taken my keys with me today...I wouldn't have had to go back home at all.
I used the morning catch up group to talk about why I left, how I was feeling about the ward round and why I decided to come back.
I then found my key worker and met with him a bit later as he was not in the morning group. I told him what I told the others and also suggested that I cut my days from 5 to 4 in preperation for the transition into outpatients.
In the afternoon I met with my therapist. Explained how I was feeling and he reassured me that they did not mean I was attention seeking. It's long winded to explain why I percieved it that way so I'll just say I understand what they meant and why they said what they did.
So how am I feeling and what are my thoughts? Well the 2 main things that changed my mind and made me go back is:
1) Avoiding going back wouldn't have achieved anything
2) My biggest fear about opening up is that it will intensify the emotions and cause me to become really suicidal....well, I don't see much difference to how I am now anymore. I have a plan of how I would commit suicide and I'm sure I could do it. So even though I still believe it's not going to help me, I'm have nothing to lose in trying it.
I feel totally worn out. Mentally and physically. This weekend I have a feeling I'm going to spend most of it sleeping.