I can't keep going right now. Everything is just too hard. Life is too fucking hard and I can't take it. It just keeps piling up and piling up and I'm simply not adequately able to deal with it all. School is pretty much impossible right now, I haven't slept properly in days, or eaten right for that matter. I've had to hand in 3 papers so far this week and written a quiz - all of which was handed out midway last week. I have another midterm tomorrow and 2 more papers due Monday which I haven't had time to start. I have to go home for my moms 50th birthday this weekend so I won't be able to get much done at all. I'm getting sick, I feel worse every day like my body is just going to collapse. My school faculty was on strike for 2 and a half weeks earlier this semester, so everything is crammed into a much shorter time span, meaning more work all the time for us students. It just keeps coming at us and doesn't stop or slow. On top of all that extra stress, my student assistance has been on hold all semester, adn I finally was able to get ahold of someone and found out yesterday that the reason it hasn't been released is because my income is so low that they require documentation showing how I have managed to pay my daily living costs for the past 2 years - but I had never received any notification that I was required to provide this information. No letter, no phone call, no email. Nothing. So now it's the end of october, and I have still not received money that I desperately need to keep my house, pay my bills, and eat. I've been living off my bank credit line, which I have only as a last resort and hate using, meaning that I am paying interest on EVERY PENNY I spend, and have been doing so since September. I haven't paid my tuition yet because I haven't received my funding, so I'm racking up interest charges hard core from the U. I can't find a job because the economy in my city is virtually dead - you can't even find minimum wage anywhere. My parent's are furious with me because my last months phone bill was over $300, which I ended up racking up because during the strike I was calling my parents every day to keep them up to date, and had to call my bro on theother side of the country a few times because I am moving there in a few months and we had a lot we had to sort out. And it's the only thing they pay for for me while I'm in school and the bill is rarely over $80. They're threatening to take my phone away, and I simply can't afford to pay another bull every month. On top of all the stress of school and money, I am still trying to deal with my break up at the end of the summer. I've been talking to my ex again lately and sometimes it seems like we'll get back together when I get back out west, and other times it feels hopeless.. and he is going trhough a lot himself right now and keeps leaning on me and it's draining me and I can't handle it anymore. I just want to either be with him and depend on each other or have nothing to do with him and forget he exists, and I can't do that right now when he keeps coming to me for help and for someone to care about him.
And adding even more to the pressure that seems unceasing, ever since the faculty strike when myself and a few other students became actively involved in advocating students rights, we've become known across campus and every fucking day I have someone asking me for help on this or that, or to do this or that or whatever, as if it's suddenly my job to fight everyone's battles!
There is just so much goddamn pressure coming at me from all different angles that I feel like I am going to explode! And it's all different kinds of stress and pressure - it's not just the school kind or just the love life kind or just the money kind or just the expectations of others kinds, it's fucking EVERYTHING and it keeps piling and piling and piling and none of it seems to dwindle at all as more comes at me. I am going to explode. And there is no way out.