I recently broke up with my fiance in September and since then I have been in a very dark hole that I can't seem to emerge out of. All I think about is death and violence. There is so much death in the world these days that I just can't bear it- look at Nepal! over 4,000 people are dead! Everywhere I turn someone is dying of a disease, or a murder, or a terrible car accident. Everyone seems to just be falling over dead. It can be me any day. I constantly feel like I am just waiting to die. Something's bound to get me sooner or later. every day I think about eternity and crazy thoughts about infinity and how everyone just dies in the end. Nothing is permanent and that really freaks me out. I find myself fluctuating between wanting to save my life and not wanting to be here at all. It's like I have this death wish all the time. How can anyone function in a world so terribly unsafe is beyond my scope of imagination. I feel sorry for the dead because many of them didn't even want to die and they had to go, and I do want to die yet I keep waking up every morning. Why!!! It drives me crazy when I really don't want to be here anymore. It's like someone turned off the lights in my mind and I am in such pervasive darkness that it's suffocating.
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