Not me. Medication has saved my life. I will be on it to the end, .. no doubt.

Deciding factor??? Results.

I'm also avoiding meds for the same reasons you gave, plus a few others: side effects. In my case, this decission is based on my ideology and fear that meds will mask something important in me and my ability to be *real*, it's like giving away my power to deal with my own problems, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I think that meds would help me live through most stressful and dark moments, but I'm not getting these 100% of the time.

I can't advise you one way or the other, everyone's symptoms and severity are different. It's worrisome that you feel so suicidal all the time. You don't really *want* to die, otherwise you wouldn't try to seek treatment and help. I often think I wished I was dead, but never actively attempted to take my own life.

It's great that you made a year without meds, it must have taken a lot of strenght. Was your depression worse or better than when you took them?

Have you considered counselling? I just started on CBT, too early to tell if it works but I think that learning a logical and objective approach to my problems won't hurt. I'm aware of some deeper issues which counselling won't heal, only if my life situation changes I'll have a chance to be completely free from depression.

I also find that exercise and spiritual practice (meditation) are great to keep my mood in shape. Social support is extremely important, though I don't get much of this (my family is distant and doesn't even believe in depression) and I don't have any reliable close friends.

All the best, whatever you decide.

I am similar to Wandering,...Medication has definetly saved my life,..I couldn't handle those feelings of wanting to commit suicide every day and night,..and I actually did make an attempt,.while off my medication,...I tried to go without the meds once again,..and those same feelings came back,..
I guess it's how much are you able to handle without hurting yourself,..and also a quaility of life issue,..perhaps the medicaton will ease your mind a bit,.so you are not obsessing and ruminating about those suicidal thoughts,..
I wish you luck in whatever you choose,..

Lilja: Thanks for the message.

I also feel like meds just cover up the symptoms instead of actually dealing with them. I'm scared that even if I find a med combo that works, what if it stops working one day? I don't want to have to be dependent on things if I don't have to.

I think on my year off meds, my depression was better, but I was cycling more than I have in the past. I've been pretty unstable.

I have individual counseling once a week and I go to a group therapy meeting once a week. I've been doing CBT for about 4 years and DBT for about a year. I'm just starting ACT, maybe that will help. I also exercise everyday, although I think sometimes it hurts more than it helps because I'm so compulsive about it.

This may sound crazy, but I feel like sometimes social support hurts more than it helps. I get offended and triggered so easily when I'm around other people. I also find it really difficult to feel so suicidal around people. I feel crazy and alone and like no one can relate to me. I know I should probably hang out with other people, I just find myself hating myself SO much and I often cut after social situations. I dunno.

Our families sound similar :)

Ohh, titillating topic.

I am off meds for a couple of months right now, but I'm not at all anti-meds. My issue is depression.

In the past, I have been in that place of obsessing over suicide without actually being suicidal. It was awful. I would go to bed with a vision of a headless me slumped in my desk chair and bits of skull blown everywhere, and wake-up with a vision of my limp body swinging from a noose in the bathroom. Fun stuff. So easy to talk about, too. I felt like I wanted to talk about what was going on in my head, but I also wanted to keep my shoelaces. And, how many people can you trust to even talk about this stuff? I believe that this situation was a result of misusing my medication - not intentionally - I was already really low, and not in my regular routine, and missed taking my meds for several days in a row, then would take my regular monstrous dose, then forget for a few more days, etc. That's always been the most difficult part for me about taking meds. I'm usually on the maximum dosage of whatever I'm taking by six months into it, and if I flake out (which happens a lot) it makes me crazier than if I were to not be on meds at all.

I would like to stay off of medications for the time being. I'm using exercise, and it's not perfect, but it does help. I think medication works better at times, but is not always foolproof. I keep telling myself that if it does get bad enough, I will consider going back on antidepressants. After reading your description of what you're feeling, if I were in that situation, I would give some serious thought to going back on my antidepressants. But, to play devil's advocate, it will get better whether or not you take antidepressants, as long as you give it time. Just, how much can you stand? You shouldn't have to put up with it for too long if you can get relief, though. And definitely, definitely get help if your thoughts threaten action.

Good luck! Either way, I really hope that you feel better soon. Being in the hole sucks bad.

BlueLaura: You describe it perfectly!!!! It's just these constant gruesome thoughts that feel so intrusive. ANd I'm just absolutely obsessed. LIke anything I hear in the news that has to do with death captures my attention or anything I read, etc. It's obnoxious and makes me feel so crazy.

And I really really REALLY want to talk about it but am afraid that I"ll be locked up. At the same time, when I tip toe around it, I feel like people don't take me seriously. I called the counseling center today to finally ask for some help and they tried to schedule me for 2 weeks from now!!!!

I feel like I get this constant "anti-med" message from friends, family, school, etc. Maybe it's because of the people I choose to hang out with. A lot of them are the "I only put natural things in my body" type. Obviously I don't agree with them, but it's difficult to tune out their opinions. Same with school and professors who talk about big pharamceuticals manipulating doctors and clients to turn a profit. How do you tune this stuff out?

Just give it some time, for sure, and things will get easier. I know for me, the crazy thoughts of death and suicide ruled me, and it was so frustrating. But, once I found some people I could trust and started sharing, it really helped, and before I knew it, the thoughts had moved on. I just made sure to let people know, these are all thoughts and I don't intend to take action. I'm new to DS, but it seems like the right place to be to share.

As far as trying to tune stuff out... I see that you're from Oregon, where it's all about being all natural and organic -- that's a huge thing there. But, people also drink a lot of coffee and booze, which aren't really all natural organic things... they're kinda drugs in their own rite. So, just try to let it go. There are a lot of hypocrites in the world; all you can do is live the best you can for you. If you need to take an antidepressant to feel like a half-normal being, then please, take an antidepressant. I mean, I myself don't really understand depression, so how can I expect someone who doesn't have it to understand? I can't tell you why it's so inconsistent. Why I can function like a superhero and be a rock one day, and a week later I'm crying because the guy I walked by bumped me and didn't apologize, so I need to get into bed and stare at the wall for the remainder of my afternoon. My family is starting to come around, but they definitely play into my depression. My aunt suffered from depression, and my entire life I just heard about how she did it for attention, and it was because she was the youngest child (I'm the youngest child) and all sorts of other criticisms lacking any form of compassion.

Honestly, you're doing the best you can. You realize that you're in a bad spot right now, and taking medication to help you to feel normal is probably the right move. You have many years ahead of you to try to figure it out. Even if it's only for a few months. I have a buddy who goes on meds every winter for his SAD, and then weans off in the Spring, it works for him, and really well.

I have been on and off of meds for about ten years. I'm a 54 year old woman, a filmmaker, artist and teacher, and have 2 kids, a daughter almost 18, and son, 26, who is a law school student. My husband, who is depressed (dysphoric not major clinical depression) lives far away but we are not divorced and have been trying to see if mending our 30+ year marriage is possible (right now that seems unlikely). I was off meds for almost 2 years. Last year I was living in Poland with my daughter, as an American Fulbright at work on a film project http://www.thelilliputmovie.com I'm a child of deceased Holocaust survivors whose parents victimization, resulted in becoming physically and emotionally abusive to me. My older sister was favored and also abusive. My depression is always reactive. I had a very productive time last year, fully off meds (though I did drink a bit in Poland, and it is a custom and accepted there). When I returned to New Jersey, my daughter's previous rebellion which resulted in leaving high school, left her in a position where at 17 she would have had to enter tenth grade. She couldn't tolerate that, and so opted to do a GED (in progress). My husband left our home to work far away, he says because he couldn't tolerate my mood swings. Fortunately he is earning more money than previously, making it possible to have another apartment, and sustain our family in our urban house simultaneously but barely. I work part time as a teacher in a private school, and my salary is under low, so his income is essential. WHEN I returned from Poland, I found out that after a year of legal intervention to try to get my late father's will probated, that my sister and brother in law, have absconded my late father's assets entirely (over 300 thous.), despite there being a will dictating a 50/50% split for us (she is Executrix), the only 2 daughters (my mom, who was a severe depressant, died 2 weeks before 9/11 in 2001--on her death bed she told me how much she wanted me to have her 1/2). The circumstances/situation that I returned to in the U.S. sent me into a spiraling depression with anxiety. My psychiatrist previously prescribed Effexor 150 mg. which did get me out of a severe depression 2 1/2 years ago, when my husband moved out. I was on that med for over 6 months. He recently put me back on Effexor, the idea being that it helped before. Unfortunately this time the stresses are so great that even at 220 mg. I was still in very bad shape and the Effexor side effect of increased blood pressure stipulated switching meds. So now I'm titrated down to 75mg. of Effexor, and on 10mg Prozac. Next week I'm supposed to stop the Effexor, and increase the Prozac to 20 mg. I am praying that helps the depression, which is now hell. I too have suicidal thoughts, but do not want to do that to my daughter and son. The legacy of suicide is terrible for kids. I think seeing their mother miserably depressed for 4 months now, and several times previously is no picnic for them, but I feel dealing with my suicide would be too much (especially for my daughter) to bear. So I trudge on, one foot in front of the other, and try to fulfill my immediate responsibilities. I have a warm and caring therapist, who I've been counseled by for 2 1/2 years 9my daughter also has a good therapist). He and I would Skype every week while I was in Poland, so there is much familiarity and continuity to my treatment. My therapist understands how betrayed I feel, and keeps hope alive for me, and for that I'm grateful. Sorry to write such a long post. I wanted to share my story as best I could. If meds work for me this time, I think I'll stay on them for life, which sucks, but I really don't see an alternative with my predisposition to horrible relapses, when my life becomes too stressful. Any thoughts and input will be appreciated.

What's psychological becomes biological, and vice versa. Medication can save your life and make it bearable and easier to make positive changes in your life. Therapy and cognitive changes can help you to feel happy again. I'm not a fan of big pharma either, but who knows where I'd be without their products. Many generic antidepressants are available, so you wouldn't necessarily be succumbing to their marketing ploys if you took a generic. If you haven't had much relief from meds in the past, I can understand your reluctance to take meds. However, some people try like 10 meds to no avail and then the 11th works.

Good luck!