Gooch it seems that you are living a life that I once did. Fake it till you make it was always a saying that fit me best.

Talk to loved ones about how you feel. Do it in a manner that will put everyone at ease to open up. I have found that I feel better and those around me felt better by me explaining how I felt. The hardest thing for them was not knowing how to handle me on days that they saw through the fake smile or fake interest in a conversation. I printed out as much information as I could about my mental illness. Info on anxiety and PTSD. I talked and they talked and what they didnt understand from talking to me..they read the info and it made better sense to them. You dont have to scream it from the rooftops to reach everyone...but do start with those that are in your life. dont be afraid. I found that my battle to fight my mental illness was much easier by having my loved ones behind me helping me fight. To this day I will get a call from my sister or my husband will come home and tell me about info about meds he heard on the radio or my sister will scour the internet or watch ads and contact me. It is truly wonderful when you have others in your corner to help. Hugs honey and open up. Dont keep it so tightly bottled in.

I have just started really letting people know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have learned to tell my friends and lean on my husband. I still say "I'm fine" when my kids ask me what's wrong. My husband says, "no, mom's not fine but she will be, go hug her!" I can't do that quite yet but I guess that's what he's there for. He's a huge help for me. Hang in there. We will all be better one day. I've seen better and it does come.

Let the world know then who you really are, and most importantly, why. I am certain you have committed no crimes, so guilty you should not be, and as for being sorry, you owe nobody an apology. Depression is a disease which is contracted via external factors and usually those factors are negative and thus depressive in nature. You are human, you have a breaking point and that point has been arrived at, along the way you was one tough ombre, and with a bit of luck, one day you will become so again. Don't be so tough on yourself brother because the reality is that you caught a disease, anothers, and there is no shame in that.